Am I overreacting or would this anger you?

[Sugarysusan]

My partner and I did a family video call for Easter earlier. He’s abroad, not English, no kids, late 50s. He chatted with my DS who is 18. They were making small talk in our other language & he jokingly said “when are you coming over? I’ll introduce you to some beautiful girls!”

I understand it was meant to be banter but I’ve asked him before not to crack these jokes & he’s knows I get pissed off by it. I asked how he knows such “beautiful girls” to introduce my son to, and he joked & spouted some crap about how pretty people should be looked at.

I’ve told him to reflect on his immaturity & not to speak to me until he’s ready to apologise for his disrespect. He’s supposed to be a role model for my DCs & not an idiot.

WWYD?

Yes I’d hate that too - he sounds like a perv.

You’re overreacting. How did your DS react?

I would have thought it was banter and it wouldn’t enter my head that he was interested in them because of the age thing.
(not appropriate banter, don’t get me wrong)

Honestly, if someone makes you feel this insecure in a relationship then it’s not a great one tbh.

I’m sorry, your partner said that to your DS??

If so - massive red flag, huge.

Wouldn't bother me...I'd have just taken it as banter

Thanks. I said to my son that it makes him sound creepy & grim.

Padt if me wonders but I’ve asked him before to think about his banter as it verges on creepy sometimes.

What he said to DS was tacky and cringey but nothing to be angry at in my book, and I'm a po-faced feminist. I don't even think it's especially inappropriate to say to an 18 year old (it would be for, say, a 12 years old) and he didn't use any disrespectful language. If he'd said 'Hot pieces of *ss' or something, yes, that would be gross and worth being angry about, but 'beautiful girls' is cheesy but not rude or sexist.

Thanks. He’s not interested in them himself - I’ve no reason to think that - but I don’t think it’s a good example to set a young boy. Maybe I’m being OTT.

It's strange. My first reaction to your post was that's not so bad.

On second thoughts, I couldn't imagine a single man of my acquaintance - similar age group - saying such a thing.

Middle-aged lothario comes to mind. Very unattractive.

Your DS is 18, a young adult not a ‘young boy’.

If he was 12 it’d be different but he’s not a child.

Hmm I do think it is sexist & objectifying .
Pretty sure if I said to his nieces “I’ll introduce you to some hot guys” that that sounds be sexist, too. Agree tacky, cringey & cheesy. Maybe it doesn’t translate quite like that into English.

It was a stupid thing to say, he's obviously clumsily trying to make a rapport with your dh

But this

I’ve told him to reflect on his immaturity & not to speak to me until he’s ready to apologise for his disrespect.

Unacceptable and i personally think he should he running for the hills.

That’s true… he’s a young man and not a boy. Still if an impressionable age. He has sisters who tell him not to be a sexist pig. But maybe it’s not as bad as I think.

YABU.

Can you tell me why? I’m trying to understand my gut reaction!

The kind of dad who'd arrange a sex worker to 'break in' their son . Bleugh

A he's not his dad
B you've literally just made that up

Urgh yuck, I hadn’t thought of that, but it did make me feel a bit like “us lads”. Gross.

Is it not just a friendly comment?
Unless he has form for repeated creepy misogyny it seems fairly innocuous on its own?

Then don’t think about that because there is no evidence of that intention.

Yeah it totally depends on the person. If he is creepy in general then maybe I'd question it but if not I wouldn't think twice. In fact I'd say something similar to my teenage nephews when they are visiting us. Not pervy just talking mindless banter.

I'd question whether you are both suited though if you don't like his sense of humour. It would be a massive thing for me and if I didn't click with someone with banter it would be the end for me

‘Hot guys’, no. As ‘hot’ is quite a sexual term. If you said to your nieces (assuming they’re attracted to men) ‘there’s loads of handsome boys your age here’, it’s unlikely anyone would blink.

What is the example you think he’s setting for your son, exactly? And where does the sexism come in?

He didn’t say “there’s loads of beautiful girls here”. He said “I will introduce you to some beautiful girls” - as per your example, on the assumption that my son is interested. 🤣 Perhaps a better example would be if I’d said to his nieces “I’ll introduce you to some handsome boys”.

It sounded very much like - “ we will go out on a laddish night & i will introduce you”.

I don’t like it. I have daughters too & wouldn’t particularly like for them to be introduced for being beautiful. Who made him the judge of eye candy for teenagers? It came across as creepy to me. That’s the part where sexism comes in for me. It’s not a cattle market.

Since I’ve asked him before not to make these sorts of jokes with my son, I think he’s also undermining me.

but I could be overthinking it!