Am I overreacting or would this anger you?

[Sugarysusan]

My partner and I did a family video call for Easter earlier. He’s abroad, not English, no kids, late 50s. He chatted with my DS who is 18. They were making small talk in our other language & he jokingly said “when are you coming over? I’ll introduce you to some beautiful girls!”

I understand it was meant to be banter but I’ve asked him before not to crack these jokes & he’s knows I get pissed off by it. I asked how he knows such “beautiful girls” to introduce my son to, and he joked & spouted some crap about how pretty people should be looked at.

I’ve told him to reflect on his immaturity & not to speak to me until he’s ready to apologise for his disrespect. He’s supposed to be a role model for my DCs & not an idiot.

WWYD?

Perhaps a better example would be if I’d said to his nieces “I’ll introduce you to some handsome boys”

And what would the issue be with this?

It sounded very much like - “ we will go out on a laddish night & i will introduce you”.

Did he actually say that, or was it your inference? And, again, what specifically would be your issue with this?

I don’t like it. I have daughters too & wouldn’t particularly like for them to be introduced for being beautiful.

Why? And would you also have an issue with your son being introduced as a handsome boy? People introduce attractive (and less attractive) young people to each other. Always have done. It’s generally not nefarious.

Who made him the judge of eye candy for teenagers?

This is a bit of a mad response. I don’t mean that unkindly, but come on.

Since I’ve asked him before not to make these sorts of jokes with my son, I think he’s also undermining me.

Can you give an example of something else he’s said?

That is quite a staggering fictional leap.

It really is.

Mountain, molehill

Maybe I’m out of step, but I just don’t see this as an issue at all. He’s 18, not 12 for one thing. I would just see it as a jokey comment…. I’ll get my coat!

He's 18. It was making small talk. Not a big deal.

What a great example of a family man, how no le and admirable!

You've got yourself a winner and a prince , OP

Well exactly. Charming example for a young man to follow. Might be cultural but even so, why can’t he change his patter? I already asked him before not to crack these little “jokes”.

“Maybe I’m out of step, but I just don’t see this as an issue at all. He’s 18, not 12 for one thing. I would just see it as a jokey comment….”

This. I think it’s just a lighthearted comment and as people have said upthread - could just as easily be said about handsome young men. I don’t see it as particularly objectifying. And I regard myself as a total feminist.

I can imagine saying to a young woman “ I’ll see if I can find any cute boys for you to meet.” Young heterosexual women want to meet good looking guys and young heterosexual guys want to meet cute girls. It’s natural. I think you sound like hard work OP - completely over the top.

Totally over the top reaction from you and if you'd said this to me I’ve told him to reflect on his immaturity & not to speak to me until he’s ready to apologise for his disrespect I'd have told you to fuck right off!

Was he trying to think of things he could talk to your son about that he would be interested in? He probably remembered being very interested in girls at that age. Most teenage lads are.

He would have been better off talking about football, but I don’t think it’s necessarily quite such a massive red flag if it comes from a place of wanting to show an interest in your son, rather than indicating his own interests. You know him better than we do to make that distinction.

There's a middle ground between this comment being totally OK and getting angry about it. It's a pretty standard thing for an older man to say when trying to bond with a younger man because it's an obvious default interest for 18-year-old guys. "Beautiful girls" is a fairly respectful way of putting it too. It may come across as totally cringe to the 18-year-old of course but then simply being in one's late 50s is cringe to many teenagers.

So I wouldn't feel angry at all, but it would definitely raise my eyebrow because it would indicate that my partner was going to take on a pretty important role here - teaching my inexperienced son about the opposite sex. And that's a role better suited to an older man than to his mum. It can be a very positive thing if done respectfully and with concepts like consent and safety at the core. It can also be negative if it's done in a sleazy, objectifying way. So I would want to have a conversation with my partner about what "wisdom about the opposite sex" he intends to impart.

But it's not an inappropriate subject to bring up. Newsflash, the 18-year-old is already interested in and looking at beautiful women, regardless of what your partner says. (Unless he's gay in which case he's looking at beautiful men and your partner has definitely made him cringe.)

I’d be wondering how it made your son feel first and foremost. I think it would make most young men uncomfortable.

LTB

That’s quite a leap

An over reaction from you OP. A cheesy comment from your partner but more likely to produce an eye roll from your son, not shock or horror! Most 18 year old guys are already looking to meet beautiful young women (or men) but wouldn't want a middle aged man introducing them as that would indeed be cringe territory!

That just shows how disrespectful he is as a person. I wouldn't be with him.

Can all of you ‘cool girls’ (ref: gone girl) saying it’s ok truly imagine yourself at 40+ (if you’re not) having this conversation with your step-daughter? Genuinely saying ‘come over here, I’ll introduce you to some hot 18 year olds’ like that isn’t weird??

Why would you know that many 18 year olds? Why are you judging them on their looks and not seeing them as the children they are. How in reality would that work and where would your partner be when you’re introducing your step daughter to random hot boys in a different country?

‘Beautiful girls’ are not a commodity and relationships come from friendship and trust. Which surely is what we should be teaching 18 year olds??

The 'beautiful girls ' could be his nieces, cousins, god children, family friends etc. It sounds like just a flippant comment made in a clumsy attempt to bond with your son.
Your son is 18 and a young adult, the language you use to describe him infantalises him somewhat, assuming he is straight he will probably be very interested in beautiful girls! That doesn't make him a sexist pig, how he treats people will determine that.
I couldn't get worked up about any of this to be honest.

Just to clarify “beautiful girls” are not family members 😆. His nieces are 6 and 8. No godchildren or other family members. Regardless, I’d rather my son wasn’t introduced to women on basis of “beautiful” vs “non beautiful”. Prefer kind, honest, perhaps even clever. Now there’s a thing!

“Angry” was prob a bit OTT, his insinuation of commodity is crap and projects his own teenage years in the meat market. My DS is starting to be interested in girls but he was bemused at the thought of a middle aged letch to guide him .🤣 Plus he has his father to help with any manly advice in that regard.

Partner & i had already had a chat about his being a reliable role model for my kids. He doesn’t drink or smoke or do drugs, but there are some pretty big cultural differences in how men and women are treated & it doesn’t do him any favours.

Thanks for opinions! Has been interesting to read the mixed ideas.

I can’t get offended about this, I guess your son is single? Happily or looking?

If your DP knows he wants to meet someone I don’t see it as a bad thing that he is offering to introduce him to new people.

I don't see the big issue. Sounds like he was being nice to your Ds and maybe he got it slightly wrong but he may not know how to talk to teenagers and was trying to
make him feel welcome. I think you're overreacting.

Oh, for goodness sake, it’s a bit of banter, and your DS is an adult. Hand wringing over nothing.

it does sound like you and your man might not be well suited. And it’s not up to him
to be a role model. He’s your boyfriend not some kind of Disney dad to adult children

My son is doing his A levels school & more interested in the chords to Pink Floyd 🤣 He’s barely just 18. I guess you have to know his personality to see the funny side. 😂