Not 'bad-mouthing' your ex to the children

[WinterDeWinter]

This is considered to be a universal rule for helping the children cope with a divorce.

But I'm really interested to know from people whose own parents divorced whether it really is the case that you should never say anything to the children which might appear to be critical of your former spouse.

Obviously it's very age-dependent - but i wonder whether sometimes if there is no sense of cause and effect, nothing makes sense to the children.

My own late childhood was spent desperately wishing my mother would protect us by leaving my domineering father.

I knew he was a shit, and if she had left him and then said 'mummy and daddy couldn't make it work, but he's a great guy' I would have lost even more faith in her. She would effectively have been gaslighting me.

I can see that if they truly were simply incompatible then that would be different. But Mumsnet shows us every day, I think, that many / most men do not put nearly as much in to family life as women do. When the relationship finally breaks down, is it really in the interest of the children - or ultimately likely to lead to social change, so that our own children don't repeat this pattern - to pretend that it wasn't the case?

Not interested in Not All Men Are Like That, at all - I have eyes 😂- but very interested in hearing from MNers whose parents divorced where one party was clearly more at fault than the other, and what their experience was.

I read this:
I'm really interested to know from people whose own parents divorced whether it really is the case that you should never say anything to the children which might appear to be critical of your former spouse.
... as meaning that this was an example of bad-mouthing people. I thought the title of your thread and the question in the thread were referring to the same thing.

My mother was like @CatCatCatCatCatCat 's...constant bad-mouthing that still goes on today, 35 years after they split.

Both myself and my two brothers were emotionally blackmailed into going no contact with my father - at the time it seemed the 'fair' thing to do, but I had only just turned 21 when they split and was very emotionally immature.

My mother had always put her marriage ahead of her children and her bitterness when that backfired - and it had been obvious that it would for at least a decade - was off the scale. I already knew that my father had many faults, I didn't need my mother slagging him off and using myself and my brothers as weapons against him.

I've been low contact with my mother for nearly 30 years now. Neither myself or my two brothers have gone on to have children of our own.

I don't bad mouth my ex or his partner (OW) my oldest son knows that his dad left me (he was old enough to realise) , that he doesn't love me , but I always say it was me he left etc not them that he loves them,he is a shit & i could say so many things & if he asks when older i will tell him. My oldest son realises that his dad could be better so I don't add to it. Plenty is said about me by them esp his GF but I tell my son it's ok don't mind them,& I ask him if what is said is true,we talk about it & talk it through, I can't stop it even though it is part of our court order not to disparage each other but she thinks she can do it but I am going back to court for breaking the order etc as she does it all over FB as well.

@WandaWonder stupid comment. People do change or reveal themselves a lot later down the line.

I didn't slag him off.

My dcs saw him verbally, physically and financially abuse me.

They slagged him off.

This isn't a black and white question. My DD saw enough before I seperated from her Dad to know that he is abusive and a liar. Id never put those words in her mouth, but we have discussed his behaviour because she needed to do that. She loves her Dad and I would never make her chose or make her feel guilty for seeing him. We have boundaries in place around contact that she feels safe with.

I haven't told her younger brothers why they don't see him more, nor have I told them that despite him blaming me he didn't actually push for 50/50. When he says something that is incorrect factually like he pays for everything at my house or Im spending all his money (he pays zero cm) or when the kids get worried because he keeps telling them he earns very little (is a high earner) I'm not going to collaborate those lies and I tell them the truth factually.

If it came up I'd say their Dad loves them because he does, I wouldn't say he's a good Dad because he's not. When we split up I said that we didn't love each other anymore and couldn't live together because we'd hurt each other too much. If the boys ask I will tell them something age appropriate, I won't lie but I won't go into detail either. My middle boy actually experienced some of it too, but was a lot younger than his sister when this all happened. Neither of the boys are completely oblivious to what went on. I follow their lead and if what they needed was to discuss it we would, but Id chose non emotive words and fo lite on the details. If they need to discuss how their Dad is upsetting/worrying them than we'll do that. I won't badmouth him or lie about him or put them in the middle like he does. They get more than enough of that from their Dad.

I never slated my ex (who was an abusive dick) to my children. But I never lied and praised him. I stayed neutral, put them first and tried to support them. If they slated their dad to me I wouldn't join in but I wouldn't defend him either.

I think kids figure out the measure of people for themselves. Lying would have made me untrustworthy but so would trying to poison them.

Their dad slated and tried to belittle me lots.

I am really close to my dc. They are not close to their dad.