Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Husband seems distant. I don’t know what to do

67 replies

Ghubs · 30/03/2024 15:45

For the last two weeks my husband has seemed really distant. We have had a few conversations about it and he has said he just feels like he is in a ‘rut’ and questioning everything in his life, about himself, his pathway, etc.

The summary is that he feels he has to compromise more than me. I am vegetarian and gluten free and so meals can be complicated. He says he wishes he could make his bolognese or chilli recipe more. I suggest cooking different types of pasta but he will just say it’s more effort or more washing up. I then tell him I am happy to make myself a separate dinner and he can make whatever he likes, but he just says he wants us to have the same thing :( I feel like I am offering solutions and he is rejecting them.

I had a miscarriage at the start of this year and he was great at the time and really supportive. However, he has now voiced that he feels a bit burdened that he has done most the housework this year so far, and he doesn’t want that to be a permanent thing.
He says he feels more himself at work when he can banter with colleagues and have a laugh whereas at home he is fed up and always has lots to do. This made me really sad, to think he’s not happy at home, and he could see that and said sorry.

MIL has been diagnosed with cancer and that has been an added pressure on him and both of us, of course we are very upset and trying to support her.

On paper we have been through a lot recently but I just feel as though he is not happy with me anymore. He has apologised for being ‘distant’ of his own accord, but is just very quiet these days and when challenged he just says he is thinking about stuff and won’t share what.

I’m worried. I love him and I want it to work. What can I do? We are relatively recently married, too. Is there a chance it’s not me or do you think from the sounds of this he has gone off me and lost the spark?

It just feels there’s a disconnect from the usually-affectionate, full of energy DH I am used to knowing.

OP posts:

hurlyburlygirly · 30/03/2024 22:34

I'm really sorry to say this but it all sounds a bit familiar and like the starting stages of the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" script.

If he suddenly starts going out for meaty meals with a group of colleagues, I'd be on high alert.

The more you can call this out early, the better. Don't fall into the trap of being accommodating of this self indulgent crap. You've been through a trauma and so he bloody should have supported you. Who cares if that meant more than his fair share of housework for a while.

Have you got good support in friends at all?

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 30/03/2024 22:36

hurlyburlygirly · 30/03/2024 22:34

I'm really sorry to say this but it all sounds a bit familiar and like the starting stages of the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" script.

If he suddenly starts going out for meaty meals with a group of colleagues, I'd be on high alert.

Have you got good support in friends at all?

Exactly that and IMO, he has a bit on the side or almost there.
So sorry OP, hope I'm wrong but marriages are not what they were years ago

Is he on his laptop/phone more than usual is a good give-away.
Is is back home a bit later than usual or our earlier?

There is something going on

bossybloss · 30/03/2024 22:37

Do you not think he maybe depressed. You have suffered a miscarriage and his Mum has cancer. Dont jump the gun in thinking he may be having an affair.

SpamFritterSandwich · 30/03/2024 22:40

It sounds like he could be depressed. He's been through a lot (as have you of course). Would he consider a GP appointment to discuss that possibility?

ShrubRose · 30/03/2024 22:45

I then tell him I am happy to make myself a separate dinner and he can make whatever he likes, but he just says he wants us to have the same thing :( I feel like I am offering solutions and he is rejecting them.

Very sorry you are going through this, OP. But it's good that you are being observant with DH, rather than excusing him.
To me, the behaviour you relate suggests that he is controlling and antagonistic. He seems to like keeping things on the boil rather than partnering with you for a smooth and happy home life.
You may have a very tough decision to make. He may well want to stay, but you have to seriously consider whether this is the best path for your life. I wonder if you have considered counselling, or whether he would cooperate for it.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/03/2024 22:45

You need to have your eyes wide, wide open. Your husband has begun The Script, and I think personal issues which are causing stress leads many men to have affairs. Their reality is not so great so they are very prone to looking for an escape.

Everything he's saying is textbook, all the way to him essentially blaming you for a lot of his issues.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 30/03/2024 22:54

God their so predictable aren't they...

MadamVastra · 30/03/2024 22:56

The food is just a diversion

TakeOnFlea · 30/03/2024 22:59

"He says he feels more himself at work when he can banter with colleagues and have a laugh"

This translates as "I fancy someone at work or I'm already cheating on you with her"

"I am vegetarian and gluten free and so meals can be complicated. He says he wishes he could make his bolognese or chilli recipe more."

And this translates as "and when you find out about it this is the reason I'm going to use to blame you and make it all your fault"

Floatinginatincan · 30/03/2024 23:03

Wow, the 'he's having an affiar' gang didn't take long to arrive, did they. Sounds like he's having a hard time and with good reason. I have a sick family member and a kid with a restricted diet. When you add that to the constant merry, go round of work and keeping on top of the house and laundry it can really get you down. Give him some space and maybe take on some of the house load. What does he enjoy doing? Maybe encourage him to take some time for himself.

RamblingAroundTheInternet · 30/03/2024 23:05

He says he feels more himself at work when he can banter with colleagues and have a laugh

Hmm, has he started mentioning any female colleagues a lot? Could be head has been turned and he’s picking fault with you so be on alert.

It doesn’t bode well for a relatively new marriage if he’s starting to turn on you now the going has started to get a bit tough.

Original poster

Ghubs · 30/03/2024 23:06

Thanks everyone. Spoken to him again tonight and he is just really worried about MIL. MIL now worried he is worried about her. Obviously it could be something more sinister but I really doubt it given everything that has gone on, we also had a really difficult family situation last year too

OP posts:

Original poster

Ghubs · 30/03/2024 23:10

SpamFritterSandwich · 30/03/2024 22:40

It sounds like he could be depressed. He's been through a lot (as have you of course). Would he consider a GP appointment to discuss that possibility?

He has suffered before with this so could be tbh.

OP posts:

Scrollbreadroll · 31/03/2024 00:38

@Ghubs sorry to say but I think if you dig a little deeper you will find there’s another woman who has turned his head. Sounds all too familiar. He may have worries but thats not the reason things have changed because he’s only distancing himself from YOU. He’s clearly said he’s happy at work, he has a laugh and banter at work so his explanation is a load of bull. The fact he is bringing up silly things is also a major red flag. That’s just typical behaviour when there’s someone else on the scene that they nit pick at their partner over stupid things, it’s them trying to justify whatever’s going on.

TakeOnFlea · 31/03/2024 03:54

"Wow, the 'he's having an affiar' gang didn't take long to arrive, did they. Sounds like he's having a hard time and with good reason."

Yet he's perfectly happy at work and with "colleagues", especially if they like a good bolognese (insert anything his wife doesn't like as a substitute for bolognese). Classic

CottonCandyLand · 31/03/2024 04:00

However, he has now voiced that he feels a bit burdened that he has done most the housework this year so far, and he doesn’t want that to be a permanent thing.

If that’s true, maybe he’s feeling things aren’t an equal split?

Weenurse · 31/03/2024 06:19

Remember, he lost a baby too, but has to suck up his grief to support you.
Also having MIL I’ll is an added burden. This is all put to the side at work as he has distractions there.
He sounds depressed and like he would benefit from some counselling

theplanner24 · 31/03/2024 07:37

Have you always been vegetarian and gluten free? To be honest I'd find that a right pain - having to make separate meals etc

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/03/2024 07:54

Weenurse · 31/03/2024 06:19

Suck up his grief to support you? Is that really how you see it?

Seaoftroubles · 31/03/2024 08:11

Does he have a point? Is he unnecessarily burdened at home or do you work as a team together, do you both share the chores, shopping etc? Re the gluten free/ veggie aspect it's perfectly possible to make veggie chillis and bolognese and you can buy gluten free pasta, which he or you could cook for both of you.
To me it sounds like he is depressed, especially after your recent loss and also as you say he is anxious about his Mum. I think l would suggest a visit to his GP for a chat and a check up.

Bobbotgegrinch · 31/03/2024 11:01

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/03/2024 07:54

Suck up his grief to support you? Is that really how you see it?

Show quote history

My DP had a miscarriage a number of years ago, and that's a pretty apt way to put it. Me and DP shared our grief obviously, but if I tried to talk to any of my family or friends about it, I just got comments about "how I needed to support DP, or look after her". People just expect men to get on with it and ironically I'd have been better able to support DP had I had my own external support network.

museumum · 31/03/2024 11:09

You’ve both got a lot going on. It’s not uncommon for one person to “run away” in these situations to work or friends where life is more fun and less complicates. It’s understandable but not ok. The answer is not to pile on more pressure and guilt at home but to work together to look for some joy. Talk about stuff you like to do together especially if it involves having a laugh and book something fun in to do together.

MoonWoman69 · 31/03/2024 14:13

I'm sorry, but the excuse of him wanting to eat the same meal, really means that he'd rather you cook and he doesn't want to eat what you do! I've been there, so I know! Mine was when I was dieting, DH thought we should both be eating the same, but wouldn't eat what I was making! What he meant was he'd rather have the food he wanted and I should have some of that and not what I wanted! Bugger all to do with eating the same, it was that he'd have to cook his own! I soon put paid to that!!!
He probably is depressed with his mum being ill and feels like work is an escape at the moment.
You'll always get the "oh he's having an affair" lot jumping on the bandwagon! Because obviously, that's the only answer! 🙄

Blackcats7 · 31/03/2024 14:32

Another one here who thinks he is having an affair. The I feel I am in a rut speech is the start of him justifying his infidelity.
Sorry OP.

hurlyburlygirly · 31/03/2024 16:30

He may be depressed. But I also think he's either having or about to have an affair. The two don't have to be mutually exclusive.

It's the little put downs about home life and picking unnecessary fault that are the giveaway. Excusing it all because of external factors shifts responsibility for his happiness and feelings on to op and that is so damaging.

So what if he has done more housework. In reality, that's what most women do most of the time. So what if they have to cook different meals. Honestly, that's trivial. It's the underlying expression of dissatisfaction with home life which is the key indicator here.

Flip

1 2 3