Husband seems distant. I don’t know what to do

[Ghubs]

For the last two weeks my husband has seemed really distant. We have had a few conversations about it and he has said he just feels like he is in a ‘rut’ and questioning everything in his life, about himself, his pathway, etc.

The summary is that he feels he has to compromise more than me. I am vegetarian and gluten free and so meals can be complicated. He says he wishes he could make his bolognese or chilli recipe more. I suggest cooking different types of pasta but he will just say it’s more effort or more washing up. I then tell him I am happy to make myself a separate dinner and he can make whatever he likes, but he just says he wants us to have the same thing :( I feel like I am offering solutions and he is rejecting them.

I had a miscarriage at the start of this year and he was great at the time and really supportive. However, he has now voiced that he feels a bit burdened that he has done most the housework this year so far, and he doesn’t want that to be a permanent thing.
He says he feels more himself at work when he can banter with colleagues and have a laugh whereas at home he is fed up and always has lots to do. This made me really sad, to think he’s not happy at home, and he could see that and said sorry.

MIL has been diagnosed with cancer and that has been an added pressure on him and both of us, of course we are very upset and trying to support her.

On paper we have been through a lot recently but I just feel as though he is not happy with me anymore. He has apologised for being ‘distant’ of his own accord, but is just very quiet these days and when challenged he just says he is thinking about stuff and won’t share what.

I’m worried. I love him and I want it to work. What can I do? We are relatively recently married, too. Is there a chance it’s not me or do you think from the sounds of this he has gone off me and lost the spark?

It just feels there’s a disconnect from the usually-affectionate, full of energy DH I am used to knowing.

If he is doing all of the cooking and all of the housework then I can understand why be is unhappy.

On a practical level DH is veggie and I’m not plus we have fussy kids so I get the difficulties of meal planning. You (you and him) need to do things like make a veggie and meat chilli and freeze the other 3 portions. I use the slow cooker for ease.

Do you both eat fish/sea food?

Totally.
Who are all these affair people? It’s like the LTB people. Is it for fun?

No. It's because about 90% threads which start like this end like that. Unfortunately.

Ok that’s interesting to know.
but the language, “vulnerable to having his head turned”, it’s very sexist to men isn’t it? Or patronising? Like as if they’re animals or can’t control themselves, like little boys?
that’s what makes it feel like a brigade
If we have such low expectations of “men” that’s what we get

It’s just talking from experience. If it wasn’t something I had experienced amongst close family/friends, I wouldn’t have said it. Patronising, maybe. Sexist, maybe. Doesn’t mean I’m wrong.
As a PP said, the vast majority of threads like this end with the update that the partner is cheating.

I’m not in any ‘brigade’, BTW.

"If we have such low expectations of “men” that’s what we get"

@Nubnut
You've got it the wrong way round.
It's the experience of having been through an unwanted divorce or separation that gives you the low expectations. Unfortunately once you've had your eyes opened it's very difficult to turn a blind eye to poor male behaviour.
I was naïve to think my ex H was different but he's completely unrecognisable from the man I married.
Sadly I now see and hear it everywhere. I hear the way some middle aged men speak to their partners/wives. I notice the way they roll their eyes behind their partner's back when they think nobody sees. In the supermarket, in the pub, or in the shops.
I see internalised misogyny on this thread from those spinning the line about the poor man having to pull his weight too much at home that he prefers to be at work.
My bullshit radar is so sensitive now that I am undatable. Men my age don't date women like me who "see them" They date younger girls who need to be dependent on them in return for an easy life. For the time being anyway, until their eyes get opened too.
Brigade, Bitter, or I am happy with any other label you want to give me. Doesn't make me wrong!

Ok, I take your point and will keep my eyes open to it!
don’t men and women both have a responsibility to helping the other feel valued in a marriage though? It’s about “see”ing the good parts of someone, and nurturing them. That’s what the younger women are doing for these men?
not saying they haven’t behaved badly, just pointing out they are also unhappy

This. It's your turn to support him now. That's how marriage works. My husband had awful depression when his father died and again with his mother. He was also very scared when his mother was in hospital for a time.

@Ghubs are you back at work yet?

Yes I am. Since I posted this I’ve had a few conversations with DH and just realised I totally neglected to think about how he was feeling and just expected him to get on with it. Me coming to this realisation seems to have lifted his mood dramatically, I’ve cleaned the house this weekend and done the chores to give him the weekend off and he surprised me with a meal to my favourite restaurant that I’ve not been to in ages on Tuesday night after work. I feel a lot better now and it seems so does he.

Great to hear

Good update.

Great update OP. Keep communicating and supporting each other, so glad you are both feeling better.

Good on you both, a great update

Wonderful update, op, hopefully you'll both be brought closer than ever by this - all the best to you both!

Such a martyr with the meals. Nobody could stop me eating the food I want, he should make his own.