Husband seems distant. I don’t know what to do

[Ghubs]

For the last two weeks my husband has seemed really distant. We have had a few conversations about it and he has said he just feels like he is in a ‘rut’ and questioning everything in his life, about himself, his pathway, etc.

The summary is that he feels he has to compromise more than me. I am vegetarian and gluten free and so meals can be complicated. He says he wishes he could make his bolognese or chilli recipe more. I suggest cooking different types of pasta but he will just say it’s more effort or more washing up. I then tell him I am happy to make myself a separate dinner and he can make whatever he likes, but he just says he wants us to have the same thing :( I feel like I am offering solutions and he is rejecting them.

I had a miscarriage at the start of this year and he was great at the time and really supportive. However, he has now voiced that he feels a bit burdened that he has done most the housework this year so far, and he doesn’t want that to be a permanent thing.
He says he feels more himself at work when he can banter with colleagues and have a laugh whereas at home he is fed up and always has lots to do. This made me really sad, to think he’s not happy at home, and he could see that and said sorry.

MIL has been diagnosed with cancer and that has been an added pressure on him and both of us, of course we are very upset and trying to support her.

On paper we have been through a lot recently but I just feel as though he is not happy with me anymore. He has apologised for being ‘distant’ of his own accord, but is just very quiet these days and when challenged he just says he is thinking about stuff and won’t share what.

I’m worried. I love him and I want it to work. What can I do? We are relatively recently married, too. Is there a chance it’s not me or do you think from the sounds of this he has gone off me and lost the spark?

It just feels there’s a disconnect from the usually-affectionate, full of energy DH I am used to knowing.

I think you've had enough going on in your lives to not immediately jump to 'he's having an affair' but admittedly if things don't change, I think he'd be vulnerable to starting one.

Not saying any of it is your fault btw!!

I do think perhaps with all the grief you've both experienced there hasn't been any room for quality time as a couple. Can you focus on having fun together?

Think about the domestic chore split - is this a case of man-feeling-hard-done-by-for-pulling-his-weight or has he been doing more than you?

What help & support has he had for his grief about your miscarriage?

If none of these things help then maybe others are right & he's already had his head turned but equally, he could just be really low right now

Thank you for this.

I will be absolutely honest and say I’ve really not lifted a finger, at all. I have maybe cooked one or two meals in the last month. He has done everything else. He has gone shopping every time. He has cleaned the house weekly, every single room. He has taken the bins out, made sure the cars are fuelled, done the admin, done all the laundry and put it all away. Hasn’t complained once until the other day.

I didn’t want to say this because I feel a bit embarrassed about it when I say it all like that, as I know I would be resentful if I felt it all went to me. I don’t know why I didn’t stop and think about how he felt. I guess because he didn’t say anything was wrong and seemed happy to do it I was too consumed with my own issues to even see that he was doing far and beyond the lions share.

He hasn’t had any help or support for it. It’s been a busy time at work for him so he has just kind of got on with it and didn’t take any time off. He told my mum when she checked in on him that he was only bothered about making sure I was ok, but felt very sad and powerless in the situation. I only know this from speaking with my mum, DH never mentioned they had such an exchange and stayed very positive and upbeat for me at the time

@Ghubs then I think you have your answer. He's stepped up for you, are you feeling strong enough now to step up for him?

Also, I am terribly sorry for the loss of your baby

Is going away for the weekend an option? Somewhere you can pick off a menu and nobody needs to do housework or cooking?

It might just help you reset.

Ah with that update @Ghubs I think he has fair reason to be feeling it. He sounds like he needs support from you. I think you need to look at readjusting the chores and take on your fair share again.

I think he sounds like the multitude of women on here who are fed up of doing everything at home and he's voiced it.

He's got a lot on with his mum and obviously the miscarriage too. I'm not blaming you, but I'd be trying to meet him in the middle somewhere.

I'd also be coming onto him to connect on that level again as well.

Wow chill out with ‘the script’ and affair stuff. The much more likely scenario here is that we have a man who is suffering mentally after a miscarriage of his child and his mum suffering with cancer. Just because he’s a man doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about this stuff and is obviously having an affair. Many people, myself included, can clam up when feeling stressed. It can be upsetting for partners but constant asking about it only adds to the pressure. You are both having a rotten time of it and I’m sorry. Hopefully with time things will get better and you will come back together, but in the meantime please don’t add to own stress with this script nonsense.

@Ghubs - as PP have said, with your update, it’s no wonder he’s feeling resentful. It’s good he’s voiced it. You can work at putting things right. I’ve had to hear some painful home truths from DH sometimes. It’s never fun but it’s always been useful at getting us back on track.

I’m sorry for your loss and your Husbands OP. You both have and continue to have a difficult time. It’s good to hear how supportive your Husband has been, just getting on with it and not burdening you. It’s aliso good he’s been able to let you know he’s struggling physically and mentally.
If you can afford it could you get a cleaner to help ease the load?
Is he depressed , would seeing a doctor help him, things are not likely to get any easier at the moment .

Keep talking and listening to each other.

It does sound like he's really tried his best to be supportive these past few months and do all the chores. Which has been good for you to focus in your healing process.
Now he's raising a flag and saying he's not in a good place and that's not to do with food or chores. But likely he lacks the language to express what he is really feeling and so he just focused on chores and food as that's easier to describe.

Can you cook with him? Find a tasty veggie dish that works for both of you and cook together. You may find through doing things together it's easier for him to start opening up on his fears and worries. He clearly wants to talk to you ... he's given you a bit of this already. But I bet there's more.
Reach out and connect back doing things you enjoy together

Its natural that you'd prefer the answers that suggest he's depressed and busy at work.
However as others have pointed out, this is textbook behaviour.
He's had his head turned by another woman and is looking to shift the blame into you. In this case blaming your diet and the housework.
He's having more fun at work. His mum being diagnosed with cancer is a possible trigger for him thinking "Life is Short, I want more fun and less responsibility'
Be very careful here. Get your own financials in order

I think if I was him, I’d be feeling very used by you, and it would make me worry for the future of how you’d treat me, the fact you’ve let him
do everything for months and not lift a finger, shows you’d do it again, and that you don’t really care about his needs before or equally to yours iyswim?

It sounds like he's making excuses or telling you about more trivial issues because he doesn't want to tell you the truth (which could be he's gone off you or an affair is at hand).

If he's moaning about the level of housework he's been doing, he would NOT cope with a baby!

Sorry but none of this looks good.

I don't understand why he's done everything, and you've just let him OP.

Is that going to change?

He's got the OP (and several posters here) blaming herself!
Pulled a blinder hasn't he?

How many weeks pregnant were you ?
This is not said in a bad way , and I get you needed to recover , but why have you given up on all household jobs , including shopping etc ?

Seriously stop with the destructive posts on here. Look at what these 2 have been through, and are still going through. Making out that he’s obviously having an affair and the marriage needs to be exploded is scaremongering and not helpful. I’m sorry some of you must have been burnt and are bitter, but let’s not tar all men with the same brush, support is needed here not this jumping to worst case scenario pesamistic conclusions. OP I would leave this thread if I were you as some of the ideas that are being put in your head are just not helpful. Just go and talk to your DH and try to understand and support each other through this tough time as much as you can. I hope things improve for you both soon

@Goodluckanddontfitup
People post on Mumsnet for a balanced range of views from both sides.
The OP is getting just that.
Those of us that have been through this type of thing all had ex partners who would "never leave" etc etc.
It's a truth that major life events such as those which the OP and her partner have been through often act as triggers. Triggers for men (and sometimes women) to think "Is this all there is for me in this relationship for the duration?"
The "bitter" label is used both by men and women to invalidate those of us who post. Usually in the hope we will shut up and go away.
It all washes over my so-called bitter and wiser head now.
FWIW my ex didn't cheat AFAIK. But he did leave suddenly in a textbook manner. Blaming me the whole time for his midlife need to be free of responsibility, and to seek something or someone else
By all means disagree, but don't be naive enough to think that this can't happen in outwardly happy partnerships of equals. I was blindsided by a man I adored.
The OP should have her eyes open, not head in the sand.

Ok, the use of the word bitter was wrong and I’m sorry for that. And I’m sorry for what you went through, that sounds awful. My point is though, let’s not automatically think the worst. Look at the male suicide rate, we need to cut men some slack and not just assume that because they are male they will start cheating. This guy has been through a lot, and yes obviously keep eyes open to all possibilities, but surely the first port of call for someone whose lost a child and whose Mother is suffering from cancer is some understanding and support.

Sounds like he’s every reason to be fed up at home thh

not surprised he feels less burdened at work

Why haven't you lifted a finger in months. Such an extended period of rest is not usually prescribed for a miscarriage. He's doing everthing whilst working full time and having to cook 2 meals to accommodate your gluten free and veggie diet. Are you a coeliac? He's also got a mum with cancer. You say you don't think he's happy with you anymore. To be honest I'm not surprised.

It sounds like it’s been a tough time and he’s had a lot of responsibility on his shoulders, which has taken its toll. While i wouldn’t jump straight to ‘he’s having an affair’, I would say he’s very vulnerable to having his head turned at the moment.

I think he wants a separation.

Wtaf are we doing making nasty judgements on how quickly op should be over something distressing?

He has had a lot to do but he's a grown adult whose body has not been through a physical trauma and he should be capable of stepping up temporarily. Shopping can be ordered online, fuelling cars and dealing with bins is just what a lot of us do on our own as a a matter of course. It's not a massive deal. Get ready meals for a little while if needed to cater for the differing diets. Get a cleaner.

I think you need a break and to reset. If you can't start to think about returning to functioning more usually, then some additional professional support might be needed to help you get there. There's absolutely no shame in that.