Do I have a right to feel offended?

[chrislt]

I'm pregnant with my exes baby, due in 6 weeks.
He has treated me pretty terribly over the course of my pregnancy, has been very manipulative, narcissistic through majority of our relationship and we are currently on low/no contact.

A co-worker made a comment to me about getting an autism test in utero, so that if my baby is autistic I can abort him. My ex heard about this as I made a formal complaint, and asked if it was true (we work together).

His response baffled me and has left me feeling upset (see photos).

I then sent a video of my belly moving, as I happened to catch it on video and thought it was so weird & beautiful and regardless of how uninterested he is at times in the baby, and how awful he treats me, I still keep him in the loop and share scan pics/info etc. He then responded (also see pics).

I understand we aren't together and we are a little contact as possible, and some people are grossed out by pregnancy, but I can't help but feel that his response comes across nasty.

It's made me feel like my body is something disgusting, and I feel like an idiot for even trying to keep him in the loop/ give him the priviledge of these special moments. I feel really embarassed and humiliated, and I feel hurt at his lack of reaction to what our coworker said.

I don't know why I am surprised, he is extremely narcsisstic and has the empathy of a plank of wood. I know his opinion of me shouldn't mean anything. But I am shaken by his response.

Am I being unreasonable or overly sensitive?

Give the baby your surname.

I agree with your last paragraph. Maybe I feel less sympathetic to a male partner because, for me, I did consider the possibility of pregnancy (no matter how careful I was) as a consequence of sex, and knew that if it happened the only option for me was having the baby, so I find it hard to relate to anyone who hasn't accepted this reality. I've definitely educated my sons, as much as my daughters, about this reality too. In the end, at least I know my partner has had to consider it because I told him upfront before we had sex. He doesn't have to be enthusiastic about it but he can't say he wasn't forewarned and given the opportunity to make a choice not to risk it.

OP, if I were you I would not put him on the birth certificate and I would give the baby your surname.

Take him at his word and expect financial support via CMS.

Yes , your co worker’s comment was unacceptable, you have complained, end of issue.

You say your ex is manipulative, narcissistic etc so keep yourself at a safe distance. The important relationship now is between you and your baby. Don’t get distracted by exchanges that just waste your energy.

Give your baby your surname! There are so many threads on MN by single parents regretting that their baby had a different name to them and is named after an absent / flaky / abusive ex.

Eyes forward, enjoy your baby.

I would assume you will be doing the alone. I'd keep conversation brief. 'Had scan all well"

The autism stuff is disgusting.

What a trite and superficial answer, and also probably based on mild and not severe autism (though people with mild autism struggle a lot too). I worked with SEN children for years and have seen firsthand how hard society makes it for them despite how incredibly loveable and talented they are. Why would I wish that upon my child?

Like 99.999% of parents barring you, I don't actively hope for my children to be born with any SEN, physical disabilities, etc... Or if it's more accurate, I actively hope that doesn't happen.

If it happens, just like 99.999% of parents, it won't affect my immense love for them one bit.

I actually have both SEN (running from mild to severe, aka still living with aged parents and sh*tting their pants in their 30s) and a heritable physical disability condition running through my family line so it is a big decision as to whether I'll have kids.

If I decide to TTC, I'll make sure I have the financial resources and social network before then, as well as bulletproof contingency plans for eg if my child is severely autistic and still needs care as I become old and die. Otherwise it's just a selfish decision on my part that affects my potential child imo.

If you keep contacting him and hoping for a positive response, you will keep being upset and hurt.

You've clearly pointed out how awful he is and this almost certainly won't change.

Block him and stop updating him. He’s uninterested.

Why would you even consider putting him on the birth certificate and using his surname? Use your surname. Bloody men and their surnames! Pathetic. He is telling you that he isn’t interested and does’t want a child. You can’t make him change his mind. Yet he’s still harping on about his surname, I wouldn’t want my child having a disinterested losers surname. Give him yours. You will be doing all the work. You are your child’s family, your ex will slope off if possible. (Until a new girlfriend comes on the scene and encourages him to fight for his ‘rights’).

Accept you are single and don’t make life harder for yourself by keeping this numpty in your life. If he’s bothered (he isn’t) he will go to court to be added to the birth certificate.

Sounds difficult, he doesn’t sound like he wants to be involved. He sounds like a bit of a cunt.
I wouldn’t put his name on the birth cert, stop contacting him, as hard as it might be. Hope you have family around you.

Couldn't get that worked up about the autism test, I’ve a friend who cares for people with severe autism, they live in a facility because it’s so bad, non verbal and violent. So if there was a test to gauge severity I think many people would have it.

With kindness, stop expecting an emotional and sensitive response from someone who doesn’t have the capacity to give you that. He won’t change and continuing to seek something he can’t offer will only lead to disappointment and further upset on your part. Minimise all contact with him so any information you share is on a need to know basis. If this ends up with him barely being in contact then perhaps that is a blessing.

As you're no longer in a relationship, I'd assume that a request for updates is more updates on the baby's condition, scans, if you go into labour, not videos of your bump moving.

As he doesn't seem enthusiastic about fatherhood, I think the best you can hope for here is a basic and civil co-parenting relationship where he pays for his child, by CMS if required, and has some contact with his child to develop their relationship.

Are you autistic?

Keep him out of the loop. Tell him if he wants to see the child hes to contact you or go through court as you wont contact him anymore.
You will need to apply for maintenance.
You need to cut this guy out of your life.
I was a single parent for 11 years, i loved it.
Dont rise to any shit he comes back with. Tell him you've said your piece.

Btw my grandson has autism...hes the kindest sweetest ever.

Neither of us are autistic. My colleague made a comment, I made a formal complaint as he also made comments about me needing to breastfeed so I can lose weight and other sexist remarks, and my ex messaged me and asked what was said, as we work in the same place as he obviously heard through the grapevine.

My ex has made comments in the past about having a disabled child which I understand and no parent would want that. But if for whatever reason our son is born with some type of disability, he has made jokes in the past about getting rid of him. Now I am further along he simply says if there is anything it would be my fault.

I’m afraid I also find sending a video of your stomach inappropriate given the back story .

just have your kid and sort things out. And your colleague is an arse hole

You've had some good advice on this thread, OP. You are the most significant person here, so aim to act rather than react. Your ex will likely never be a straightforward co parent. So protect your child by giving it your surname and not naming the father on the birth certificate. He might not like it, but it's your decision.

And then go back to low/no contact - that can mean saying "nothing much, just X being an idiot" or something equally bland if he asks about a colleague's comments. Let him make contact when he wants and he'll decide how much he wants to be involved in your DC's life.

Good luck. I hope you have a good support network of family and friends.

Your colleague is an arsehole and I’m glad you made a complaint.

Your ex is an arsehole, he only contacted you to learn the office gossip. Given how he’s been treating you I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s siding with the arsehole colleague.

Don’t give him updates as he doesn’t want them. Take him at his word and forget about it, you don’t need this hot and cold bollocks, you have enough to deal with being pregnant.

Give the child your surname as flakey now, flakey when your baby is here. I’m assuming you are not married so he cannot register the baby’s name without you while you can register the name on your own.

Don’t be tempted to give the child his surname as a gesture of goodwill, if you get too much pressure to do it after the birth then put his surname as a middle name (no hyphen) but given how he’s treating you now he doesn’t deserve that.

Childbirth is a very vulnerable time for you so if you feel he’ll just add stress and drama don’t tell him you’re in labour, just inform him when you’ve given birth. Ideally fathers should have the option to be there at a birth but this is not one of those situations and the mother’s mental and physical health come first.

I think you're being very over sensitive. And I really don't think it was appropriate to send the video.

He is abusive.
Just stop contact as much as you can. You are only opening the door to more abuse and hurt by sending him videos etc…

Are you still working in the same place? Because, if you are, I’d seriously consider finding something else tbh.

Oh and yes.
Don’t put him on the birth certificate, dont give baby his name.
Dont engage and let him do the run around/contacting.
Keep any message, answers, to the minimum.

Ofgs just don’t contact him again.
Why on earth would you even consider your child having a different name to you?

You stop contact

You can’t force someone to step up - and I most certainly would not be giving the child his surname .

I’ll repeat , stop contacting him.

This. Updates about the baby doesn't include videos of your belly.

He's never going to react the way you want him to. Stop expecting it and prepare to be co-parents with him paying what he's obligated to by law. It's the best you're likely to get in this situation.

Well of course he's going to say that now you're further along because he can't do anything about it now. And yet you still thought it was sensible to send him intimate videos. For your own sake please listen to people. He's made it clear he wants no part of this. I don't understand why you even responded when he asked what was said. I can only assume there's a part of you deep down that still hopes for a chance of the happy little family.

You need to stop messaging him