Do I have a right to feel offended?

[chrislt]

I'm pregnant with my exes baby, due in 6 weeks.
He has treated me pretty terribly over the course of my pregnancy, has been very manipulative, narcissistic through majority of our relationship and we are currently on low/no contact.

A co-worker made a comment to me about getting an autism test in utero, so that if my baby is autistic I can abort him. My ex heard about this as I made a formal complaint, and asked if it was true (we work together).

His response baffled me and has left me feeling upset (see photos).

I then sent a video of my belly moving, as I happened to catch it on video and thought it was so weird & beautiful and regardless of how uninterested he is at times in the baby, and how awful he treats me, I still keep him in the loop and share scan pics/info etc. He then responded (also see pics).

I understand we aren't together and we are a little contact as possible, and some people are grossed out by pregnancy, but I can't help but feel that his response comes across nasty.

It's made me feel like my body is something disgusting, and I feel like an idiot for even trying to keep him in the loop/ give him the priviledge of these special moments. I feel really embarassed and humiliated, and I feel hurt at his lack of reaction to what our coworker said.

I don't know why I am surprised, he is extremely narcsisstic and has the empathy of a plank of wood. I know his opinion of me shouldn't mean anything. But I am shaken by his response.

Am I being unreasonable or overly sensitive?

It's a huge spectrum. I have a ds with sn's. I think most parents hope their child doesn't suffer so wanting a NT child seems reasonable.

It's a huge spectrum.

I think it's ignorance to assume otherwise. Many parents burn out carrying for thier children who have autism.

@Josette77 and while I have every sympathy for that what was said was if there was a test then the op could abort so even if somehow a test was developed as it is a spectrum how would you know whether to abort or not?

Anyway it was a horrible thing for her coleague to have said and if she reported them then fair play. Ignorance is never to be tolerated.

Oh please their are some autistic people that will never be independent, require round that clock care, are in nappies and can't speak or communicate as a parent you would surely hope that wouldn't be the case for your child? He didn't say he didn't want an autistic child he said depends on how severe and I imagine most parents wouldn't want their child to struggle like that?

I didn't say it was the right thing to say. But this thread was about the babies father. I don't think he said anything wrong.

If there was a test I would let mother's choose.

@CatCatCatCatCatCat I assume you know that autism can be genetic and you have no idea what is or is not going on with my homelife. I said the question at all was moot as autism is not something you can test for so the entire conversation was bizarre with her colleague but more bizarre with her ex who clearly wants nothing to do with her. It is a sad fact that if he wants to walk away he can and believe me when i say i know firsthand you cannot force a man to be in a childs life and he has told her he doesnt want pics and vids etc. He doesnt want to know at all. This was not about autism bar the ignorant comment of the colleague the op shared with her ex initially anyway.

Stop trying to involve him in the details of your pregnancy. He isn’t interested. You know this and you’re still flogging that dead horse.

You seem offended by my comment so I'm responding. I've known women with autistic children to say they won't have any more children because they don't want them to also be autistic because life would be too difficult, is that offensive as well? I don't see anything wrong with his comment. Seems like the op told him this in hope he would kick off and prove he cares but he doesn't...

You’re well shot of him OP! What a vile human being! He comes across as very immature in his messages, saying he’s grossed out by a pregnant belly is ridiculous! I’d stop updating him, good riddance.
Focus on yourself and your little one, you don’t need this loser

@CatCatCatCatCatCat I think the OP is very emotional right now with only a few weeks to go to the birth and is trying her level best to involve the father by any means necessary including telling him about a conversation had by some numpty she works with. I am not going further with the autism thing because again a moot point. There is no test so nothing to discuss. Fully understand the OP wanting the childs father in the childs life but sadly this is not looking favourable. He has opted out. Child could have anything wrong or right but that is not really whats going on here.

My childs father has told me numerous times he never wanted our son, and I apparantly forced him into it by keeping him. However, he also said he will 'be there', will take custody, give baby his surname etc. He is very hot and cold. Says he wants to be involved then acts otherwise. Says he never wanted him whenever I say something he doesnt like. Wants updates, yet tells me then to stop sending them. It seems I can never win...he has told me that if he comes out autistic or gay or anything 'wrong' at all, its on me not him. The minute I told him how I felt about him, he started with the hot and cold, manipulation, cheating etc. Then when I fell pregnant it all blew up and now he barely acknowledges me yet wants to be involved. So what am I to do when I get responses like this?

What you are to do is stop contact. If he wants to grow up and be involved, he knows where to find you.

Stop dancing to his tune.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

I'm assuming he didn't want this baby? If so he has the right not to be interested. If you have chosen to continue the pregnancy then I think you should keep contact to a minimum and hope that when the baby is here he takes an interest in being a father. Good luck.

I can’t help but agree with this, I’m afraid. The video was very intimate and probably not appropriate to send to an ex. And he doesn’t need to be offended by all the same things you are. I don’t think he’s done much wrong except… act like an ex?

Block him. Stop contact. You clearly want your baby, you have weeks to go. YOu do not need to be getting this emotional and your baby does not need it. YOu do not need this man around especially now but you do not need to be in contact. I do get it trust me. I know what it is like to have a man say he doesnt want to be around so take him at his word. Stop contact. If he wants to be around after the birth he will find a way to contact you.
Prioritise you and your baby and your final few weeks of this amazing journey for you as it is great. Have your son, bond. Register him. Give him your surname. Enjoy your baby. Ignore your ex. Stop engaging him. I know it is hard I know but do it for you. Your pregnancy and mental health right now are more important than anything he can say to you. Prioritise yourself and prepare for your baby coming in a few weeks. You dont need him. You do not need a man in your life that will make you feel bad for having his baby so consider this child for now solely yours. Just you and your baby.

I think you need to accept that it's over with your ex and that he isn't going to be a good father to your child.

It is an awful position to be in, and I'm really sorry for you. But in your shoes, I would have some pride and not contact him at all, certainly not send him moving tummy videos. It's begging for rejection and of course you will get hurt by his reaction.

Why are you contacting him?
Do either of you have autism?
I wouldn't be subjecting myself to be contacting, justifying, or wanting him in the loop by the sounds of it all.
I have no idea why your colleague mentioned a test for autism do you or him have it yourself?
It feels like you want someone part of something they do not want to be part of.
What will you do if he changes his mind once baby arrives?
Make sure he is financially taking responsibility of anything.
Talk about pregnancy to your family and friends, some people are just plain shitty at being respectful.

He's correct. By choosing to proceed with the pregnancy despite his objections, you've essentially coerced him into a situation he didn't consent to. Men lack the ability to rectify the "mistake" of a child, unlike women. Ensure this is the last time you proceed with a pregnancy without mutual agreement.

Assurances of his presence don't equate to genuine desire to be there. He's not invested in having the child and may feel pressured or obligated due to circumstances beyond his control.

It's advisable to prepare for single parenthood if you're committed to keeping the child despite the situation with this individual.

Once again, it wasn't prudent to continue the pregnancy. The relationship wasn't healthy, he treated you poorly, and he's always been clear about his opposition to having a child. You've ensnared yourself, him, and the child in an unfavorable lifelong situation.

Your lingering strong emotions for him suggest it's time to focus on moving forward. Direct your attention to the child rather than him.

He consented to sex which comes with the risk of pregnancy, knowing he doesn't get to decide what happens to it. Men aren't ignorant of this.

I would never abort my child because it didn't suit a man who consented to have sex with me. Then again, when I did have sex, I made sure the man in question knew that if I got pregnant, he would be a father because I wouldn't have an abortion. Eyes wide open there.

Don't send any more information about the baby to him. He's not interested and you don't need the stress and upset of his responses.

Please give the baby your surname and don't include the dad on the birth certificate. You'll give yourself a lifetime of arguments and stress if you do. (He will have a say in where your child goes to school, when and where you can take your child on holiday, etc...)

Enjoy your last few weeks of pregnancy and look forward to meeting your baby.

I'd be more concerned about the homophobia.

Stop contacting him. Why are you concerned about pleasing this man?

OP, if he was narcissistic and manipulative throughout most of your relationship it was unwise to decide to get pregnant, especially as he made it clear he didn’t want children. You knew he wouldn’t be a good father and partner. And you know he just isn’t interested. So best not to count on him for much support at all.

You state you are low/no contact with him becasue of his narcissism and manipulation, - fair enough to make that important decision to protect yourself and your baby. But sending a photo of your belly to him and informing him about some random nonsense a colleague said which you know isn’t correct anyway is only asking for disappointment. Stick to low/no contact for your own and baby’s well-being.

Maybe, when he said he wants updates, you should now take it to mean that you should let him know when the baby is born. Keep any necessary communication simple, clear and brief and there will be fewer opportunities to feel let down and upset by him.

This is a very difficult situation you now find yourself in but it would be best for you to just concentrate all your energy and spare time on your own health and on your planning for becoming a single mum. Don’t stress about trying to keep your ex in the loop. He doesn’t want to be drawn in for now. And if he did, he could ask. You certainly don’t need any extra stress at this stage.

Just let him know when your baby is born.
I hope you have loving support from family and friends. Good luck with everything OP !

People on Mumsnet always use this argument. Men know that sex can cause babies so by having sex he essentially consented to having a baby.

Except that’s not the case, is it? Women, too, understand that sex can cause babies yet most women would argue passionately that women should ALWAYS have the opportunity and freedom to choose to end a pregnancy and not become a mother.

So why, then, do we argue that the mere act of sex means that a man has consented to becoming a father? It’s very much double standards and not the case at all. Women who choose to proceed with a pregnancy against the wishes of the father should be willing to deal with the inevitable lack of enthusiasm from the man who never wanted the baby in the first place.

He’s said he will offer support, despite not wanting a baby. That’s the decent thing to do. He doesn’t need to pretend he’s thrilled to become a dad when he never wanted to nor consented to, and he doesn’t need to act warm and loving towards his ex simply because she’s pregnant. He can just be civil, like is normal with an ex, I think.

(I agree that I’d never have an abortion just because my partner/ex wanted me to. But I’d definitely be prepared to fully go it alone and not have a warm relationship with the baby’s dad, if I decided to proceed with the pregnancy against his wishes.)

You've tied yourself to this man for life, so you're going to have decades of this nonsense coming. You're going to have to find a way to accept and ignore it. Have as little to do with him as possible. Stop sharing your life with him. He's not going to turn into a decent human being, and your poor kid is going to be stuck with that as a father.