3 years on - I still miss him.

[Tiredmama328]

Almost 3 years ago I was in a short relationship- we were together 6 months. It was the best relationship of my life and I ended it.

I mostly ended it because my mental health was in a bad place and I didn't feel close to anyone/ I just felt detached from everyone.

I haven't stopped thinking about him.

When we broke up, I said I knew I'd never be loved so much again and I was right.
I miss him so much.

He was absolutely devastated when we split.
I've not seen him at all since we split. I tried messaging about 6 months ago- I just wrote and apologised for hurting him so much. He replied- said I shouldn't feel bad- I didn't want to be with him, he understood.

After we split, we messaged a little. He messaged about something I'd been helping him with- to thank me. That's a long time ago though.

I so want to contact him, is there any way I can?! I realise he could be in a relationship/ married by now but maybe hes not...Has anyone ever been in this situation and it worked out?!

I think if he wanted to go there again with you, it would have happened when you were in contact last time.

I think you need to move on and let him be.

Why should he trust you not to do the same again to him?

There is no reason for him to trust me.
He did know that my mental health was a mess- I'd been through a major trauma just before I met him and basically ended up in a bit of a mess. He was well aware of this and hugely supportive. He begged me to stay with him and that he'd support me through what I was dealing with. No one has ever made me so happy.

I can't stop wondering if he ever thinks of me., wishes we were back together.

Maybe you are right. :-(

Your reasons for leaving are your own and valid. Everyone has the choice.

But you say he begged you to stay and support you and you said no.

You left and you got better on your own.

You made your choice.

You can't just expect him, after years to be waiting around or even be willing to try again.

He wanted to be there. You pushed him away, sadly.

You won't know if you don't find out.

I'm guilty of romanticising a past relationship that was the only one I ever really felt I could have been very happy with

He had moved on, and the reasons we broke up still existed

But I got closure enough to stop thinking about him and comparing everyone I met to him

I’d definitely try. Without having too much hope invested and be willing to walk away swiftly if he’s with someone else. I think it’s great you’ve worked on your mental health. For what it’s worth, I am still sort of in love with someone who had terrible MH issues, that ended up being quite abusive. We mutually walked away, and I know he’s been working on himself. If, in three years’ time he contacted me and I were single etc, I’d likely meet again. Both of you may not feel like you did before, but better to know than not?

Nothing to stop you asking, but it sounds a bit as if what you're missing is not him, but "being loved so much" by him. Do you actually think you love him? Because you don't say you do.

Are you very pretty and used to having men run round and feel you can take your pick?

Yeah, I think that's the problem. I do compare all guys to him. He was just so amazing to me. I still fancy him a lot. He made me laugh so much and was just the nicest human being.

I haven't met many good guys in my life. Just a lot of very bad ones. He was different.

I don't know how to move on.

Recently I went to an event near his house, I spent the whole time hoping I'd see him. (Not surprisingly) I didn't.

Knightsaway- yes. I did push him away along with the rest of the world. I don't expect him to wait for me. I just wonder if he also misses me.

You can try.

But then, if he was asking for advice if you did, id tell him to stay well clear of you. You can’t just throw people away like trash and pick them up when it suits you

Two saddest words in the English language - ‘if only.’

If it was me, I’d try and see him face to face, ask him for five minutes of his time, and tell him simply and honestly what you’ve said here. It’s all you can do.

If he’s moved on, so be it, then you’ll know, and at least you won’t wonder. He doesn’t sound the type to be unpleasant, and at least if it was right man wrong time, you know what’s possible. If you felt it once you could feel it again, eh?

I hope it works out for you.

I wouldn't consider someone who has ended a 6 month relationship during a major depressive period to have thrown someone away like they were trash.

The OP didn't do anything wrong, she was unwell. She would not have been able to make a relationship work in that frame of mind.

If he was posting I'd be advising him to be cautious if he wanted to get back with her, he would want to see that she has good coping skills now and has healed from the trauma that led to this, or as healed as much as possible.

But I wouldn't ever make out that he was thrown away like trash because that's not what happened.

Do I love him? Yes, absolutely! I know this sounds utterly ridiculous but my heart beats a bit faster when I think about him..

I have worked on myself a lot but I'm still very much a work in progress. I see a private therapist every week.

If I was to try and make contact, what on earth could I say?

I think you should try and reach out to him. You get one life, okay he could ignore you or reject you, but at least you can say you tried. You’ve already spent 3 years missing him, if you don’t reach out to him you could spend the next 30 years missing him wondering what if. Even if it turns out he’s married, although that would be hard to hear it would probably give you closure enabling you to move on.

years ago DH ended our relationship (before marriage). I was utterly heartbroken and begged and pleaded but he’d made his mind up. We had no contact from the day we said goodbye. We were only broken up a year when he got back in touch, obviously I didn’t just say yes there and then but we worked through things and have been amazing ever since. I knew the entire time we were apart I would never love another man the way I loved him, I knew he was the love of my life but I vowed never to be the one who reached out to him. He ended it, if he wanted to get back together then he would. And he did.

admit your mistake OP, reach out and see what happens. You’ve got nothing to lose, have you?

I definitely didn't throw him away like trash. I was absolutely devastated to lose him. I missed him so much. I still do.

I was broken and devastated that I hurt him so much. I felt horrendous..

I was really, really emotionally unwell.

As I say, several years later I'm still seeing a therapist for the same stuff.

My worry is, what if we get back together and it doesn't work. :-(

Obviously he might not be single...

It doesn't matter, just say please can we meet up for a drink or a coffee or dinner even, whatever. Then tell him the truth, face to face. It'll either work or it won't, but you've nothing to lose if this is that important to you.

Add him on any social media he's on, have a snoop and see if he's single

If you’re still in therapy for the same issues are you in the right frame of mind to have a relationship? Are you emotionally robust enough to deal with him not being interested if you do tell him how you feel?

It's a good point. I'm definitely in a good enough place to cope with him saying no or not being single. I think that would be 'fine'. Least then I'd have closure.

I'm certainly in a better place than I was but no idea if I'm in a good enough place for a relationship..

@Tiredmama328

I was in a similar situation to you. We were together for longer and both considered each other to be the one we wanted to be with .. but then lots of stuff got in the way. He was more of an introvert with no DC, I had some mental health stuff and 2 quite demanding DC.

Lots of stuff happened but ultimately it was him that ended things. It took me longer to get over that relationship than my marriage - a lot longer and our contact dragged on and on.

I got over him in time but still compared everyone I met on OLD and in real life to him.

He messaged me out of the blue about 6 months ago after 3 years of no contact saying his feelings had never changed, he has never stopped thinking about us etc

I was very surprised but my feelings hadn't changed either - but importantly I was definitely'over' him.

We just started messaging, then chatting and we have met up 4 or 5 times. Both of us are a bit more guarded with our feelings now as we both got hurt quite badly - but it's so lovely having him back in my life. It might go somewhere, or might not - but we're just enjoying whatever it is for now.

I suppose I would say.. do it but with no expectation of anything coming from it. You have nothing to lose!

I'm sorry but I think you come across as incredibly selfish. You've already devastated this man 3 years ago. You contacted him 6 months ago. And now you 'so want to contact him again'. You don't say you want a relationship with him or see a future with him. You just 'want to contact him'. In other words you just want to keep reaching out so he can't move on although by your own admission have no idea if you're in a good enough place for a relationship.. Why on earth would you bother him then?

Thanks for telling me this. I didn't see it that my behaviour was selfish. I was very, very unwell when I split with him. I was not well enough to be with anyone.

Of course I want to meet him with a view to having a relationship but I can't say that- I haven't seen him in nearly 3 years/ he might be married with kids by now. I haven't known him in a longtime. Anything could have happened. I think it would be odd to say I really want a relationship with someone I've not seen in so long who doesn't know about my feelings.

I wanted to bother him because I love him. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been. I wasn't selfish to leave him but maybe it is wrong to contact him again.

I have many faults but I'm not normally a selfish person. I'm really not.

@Tiredmama328
I tried messaging about 6 months ago- I just wrote and apologised for hurting him so much. He replied- said I shouldn't feel bad- I didn't want to be with him, he understood.

Was that it? Did you not respond after that?

Have you looked up on social media to see if he is with someone? My exes previous ex contacted him when we were together and he ignored her. She still is not aware we have broken up but has been sending me trolling messages online. I am not saying you would do this but it has destroyed me the messages from her. I do not want to say she is unhinged but her behaviour is but it has hurt both me and he separately even though we are also not getting back together. I personally think leave it in the past but maybe it is my current dealings making me say this.

Kkloo- I just responded by thanking him for replying to me. He didn't reply.

I just read over my message from 6 months ago, it sounded like I only wanted to contact him to apologise and to say thank you. It sounded very much like I didn't want anything else . I only wrote it the way I did because I was so worried about messaging- I'd hoped he would message and maybe chat but he didn't. I'm not surprised- I didn't word it well.

Oh my goodness, that sounds awful Psychoticbreak. There's absolutely no way I'd message anyone he is currently in a relationship with. Or bother him if he's not interested. If we had a 5 minute chat and he said no, that would be it.

He's a good guy. Maybe he would be willing to give me 5 minutes of his time.

Maybe I'll wait till my mental health is in an even better place.

With all due respect it has nothing to do with how you worded that last message, If a man wants to be in contact he will. He has not been and it possibly is out of respect for his current relationship if he is in one. I would leave it alone.