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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

3 years on - I still miss him.

58 replies

Tiredmama328 · 29/03/2024 21:23

Almost 3 years ago I was in a short relationship- we were together 6 months. It was the best relationship of my life and I ended it.

I mostly ended it because my mental health was in a bad place and I didn't feel close to anyone/ I just felt detached from everyone.

I haven't stopped thinking about him.

When we broke up, I said I knew I'd never be loved so much again and I was right.
I miss him so much.

He was absolutely devastated when we split.
I've not seen him at all since we split. I tried messaging about 6 months ago- I just wrote and apologised for hurting him so much. He replied- said I shouldn't feel bad- I didn't want to be with him, he understood.

After we split, we messaged a little. He messaged about something I'd been helping him with- to thank me. That's a long time ago though.

I so want to contact him, is there any way I can?! I realise he could be in a relationship/ married by now but maybe hes not...Has anyone ever been in this situation and it worked out?!

OP posts:
Fluffyelephant · 30/03/2024 07:14

Tiredmama328 · 30/03/2024 01:13

Thanks for telling me this. I didn't see it that my behaviour was selfish. I was very, very unwell when I split with him. I was not well enough to be with anyone.

Of course I want to meet him with a view to having a relationship but I can't say that- I haven't seen him in nearly 3 years/ he might be married with kids by now. I haven't known him in a longtime. Anything could have happened. I think it would be odd to say I really want a relationship with someone I've not seen in so long who doesn't know about my feelings.

I wanted to bother him because I love him. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been. I wasn't selfish to leave him but maybe it is wrong to contact him again.

I have many faults but I'm not normally a selfish person. I'm really not.

I’m not suggesting it was selfish or wrong to leave him. I’m talking about it being selfish to disrupt his life now and potentially cause him pain again if you’re still uncertain you can have a relationship and give him what he needs. And that’s whether he’s single or not.

Lovelyview · 30/03/2024 07:25

Can you find out if he's in a relationship? If not contact him and say what you've said here. It will give you some closure at least.

Original poster
Tiredmama328 · 01/04/2024 21:52

I really don't think I can find out if he's in a relationship without contacting him. He wasn't on any social media when I knew him- I doubt that has changed and we have no friends in common....

He lives about an hour from me so I'm not going to just bump into him.

He was such a great person. :-(.

OP posts:
red5678 · 04/04/2024 22:51

Hey any updates im invested in this one 😂

Original poster
Tiredmama328 · 05/04/2024 07:13

Ha, I haven't done anything yet but I'm thinking about it a lot. I really don't want to hurt him.
I try and remember bad stuff about him but my mind just remembers more good.
He made me laugh so much. He was so kind and we had such a connection. We had great adventures together.
I valued his opinion and he valued mine.
He was so genuine and honest.
And he loved me just as I am.
I wish I'd given him a chance but I was really, really unwell. I didn't know at the time how unwell I was.
I'm going to wait a bit before doing anything..if I do.
We don't live that close to each other so not going to see him by accident.

OP posts:
TracyBeakerSoYeah · 05/04/2024 11:48

Just contact him!
Text or call him or if he comes up on FB message him.
Then you'll know either way whether he wants you to be back in his life or not.

Life is too short & you'll regret it.

Ofcourseshecan · 05/04/2024 14:04

Do message him, OP. What have you got to lose? Tell him you were in a mess when you left him, but you’re a lot better now and would love to be in touch again if he wishes to.

Best of luck xx

Original poster
Tiredmama328 · 05/04/2024 15:00

I was thinking of having a few more therapy sessions and discussing it with my therapist too.

I really don't want to hurt him. I broke his heart. He was very, very upset. One day I said I wanted to grow old with him. Soon after, I split. I probably really messed his head up.

I have spent all this time missing him and thinking of him (and comparing others to him) but its only now and again that I think about getting together with him again/ contacting him. I need to think this through.

Just the thought of him makes me smile.

He's not on fb. He might well be in a relationship now- probably is. I've tried to find him online but got nowhere.

He might be married.

How do I approach things given that he might not be single?!

OP posts:
ZaraEarrings · 05/04/2024 15:11

But you did text/contact him 6 months ago? He replied, you replied, and then he didn’t reply to that?
Sorry OP, but you gave him an opening then. If he wanted to stay in contact with you then, he would have.

I would try and let it go now

Axx · 05/04/2024 15:19

I would message and say this is pretty random but if you'd like to meet up for a coffee sometime it would be lovely to see you.

Shiningout · 05/04/2024 15:27

ZaraEarrings · 05/04/2024 15:11

But you did text/contact him 6 months ago? He replied, you replied, and then he didn’t reply to that?
Sorry OP, but you gave him an opening then. If he wanted to stay in contact with you then, he would have.

I would try and let it go now

Yeah I think If he'd have wanted to talk he would have started a conversation, but he didn't. I had a guy like this in my past, he's now married and I'm genuinely happy for him but still wonder what could have been. Life has many twists and turns, but it's best to not dwell on the past else you could limit your future.

Original poster
Tiredmama328 · 19/04/2024 01:41

I added him on LinkedIn yesterday and he accepted my invite. We work in totally different industries so he knows I must have searched for him.

I was scrolling through a dating site the other day - I realised I was comparing faces to his.

One day I'll pluck up the courage to contact him

OP posts:
kkloo · 19/04/2024 01:44

It's probably better to get it over with rather than dragging it out.
That way you can start to move on if you know the answer is no

Telemakus · 19/04/2024 02:59

There isn't just one person for everyone. If you're on OLD you've almost certainly swiped past dozens of men who would be just as good for you.

Josette77 · 19/04/2024 03:45

I think if he was still interested he would have kept up the conversation.

I'm sorry OP but I think he's moved on.

I also wonder if you are so attached to this man who you claim to love ( although you don't know him as he is now) so that you don't have to move on.

In many ways it would be a lot easier to be with someone you know was once in love with you.
Dating strangers is a lot more vulnerable.

Psychoticbreak · 19/04/2024 08:12

I think if he is in a relationship and does not contact you first there is a possibility that he is then leave it alone.

RosieAway · 19/04/2024 08:37

Just bite the bullet!! Don’t live in an inbetween.

AmaryllisChorus · 19/04/2024 08:57

The most important thing here is your current mental health, generally and in regard to the trauma you suffered. If you feel you are genuinely in a strong, stable, good place, then I'd write to him. You can message on Linked In.

It could be good for both of you - whether or not he's in a relationship now, if you got in touch to say that you were so mentally unstable when you met due to the trauma, that you were unable to function in what was so obviously a good relationship with a wonderful man. You are stable now (if you are) and wish it were possible to start again, from a better place. You understand how hurtful your behaviour was but you didn't at the time, as the trauma eclipsed everything. If he'd like to get in touch, you'd be delighted. If not, you understand. And if he is not single to please ignore this as you have no wish to intrude.

I don't think something like that would be unfair on him.

Original poster
Tiredmama328 · 20/04/2024 00:31

Oh gosh, that's really well worded. I think I will use this. Thank you.

The truth is I'm still not ok but I'm much much better than I was.

OP posts:
kkloo · 21/04/2024 21:46

@AmaryllisChorus
I don't think something like that would be unfair on him.

Agreed.
Also OP When someone from your past gets in touch the most unsettling part is the first part, and especially when you don't understand their intentions...such as adding on social media or LinkedIN in the OPs case. It's better to say what you have to say now instead of little drips of reaching out and not saying what you need to say.

If I was hurt by someone in the past or if I still had feelings for them I'd hate being added on social media and the person not stating their intentions. Then you have to deal with the feelings of them popping back up in your life, along with not understanding the motives and waiting to see if they say anything.

If you added him on linkedin a couple of days ago and he has any of those unresolved feelings then he's probably still thinking about you a lot, it's better and more fair to him to say it now rather than waiting for it to pass and then popping up again in another few months or a year etc.

Axx · 21/04/2024 22:06

I think it's a say now or forever hold your peace thing too. He'll be wondering why you've connected with him.

feelingfree17 · 21/04/2024 22:55

Don’t waste another day! Get in touch. If you don’t, you will never know and probably regret it for life. Regret is not easy to live with.
Keep us updated.

Original poster
Tiredmama328 · 26/04/2024 19:49

I sent him a message. Finally. Waiting to see if he replies.

OP posts:
Kindleonfire · 26/04/2024 19:56

Have you ever heard of limerance OP? I suspect this is limerance not love.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 27/04/2024 16:30

Psychoticbreak · 30/03/2024 01:33

With all due respect it has nothing to do with how you worded that last message, If a man wants to be in contact he will. He has not been and it possibly is out of respect for his current relationship if he is in one. I would leave it alone.

OP ended it though (for completely legit reasons, no judgement here), why would he chase her?

The message, as described, would have sounded like a closure/conscience easing message to me. It sounds like he matched her tone. The OP ended it and it'll have to be the OP who instigates anything again.

Men don't have some sort of endless capacity to pursue women, be vulnerable and risk getting hurt.

OP, if you're sure you're prepared for a negative response and can handle that, then I think you should tell him that you've been thinking about him recently and would he be free for a coffee? Keep it light until you suss put how things are for him, but if you want to reignite things, it's going to be up to you to tell him, not just open up communications abd hope he'll take the lead.