If the OW was your friend

[Mountainrange]

So, as the title suggests, does it matter if the other woman was your friend?
From personal experience, I think it does.
It was a double betrayal, and to make matters worse, I didn't find out till years after the event.
She continued to be my close friend after the affair with my husband.
He's now ex of course!
She's ex too.
The pair of them, right in front of me but I couldn't see it.
Caused me so much pain.
I can't even begin to explain.

[YesThatsATurdOnTheRug]

I'm so sorry OP. Of course it matters, that is horrific of them both. Horrendous for you to find out so much later too.

[MariaLuna]

Happened to a friend of mine. Just awful. It's a double betrayal.

[WishesPromised]

The double betrayal is so damaging. I don't understand how people can be so cruel and two faced.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Of course. Because the person who you need is just the person you can't trust again. ExH an arse and he probably cheated at the end. But I didn't much care by then. If my best friend had been the one to cheat with him, it would have been unfathomably worse.

So so sorry OP.

[PlantDoctor]

💐

[Mountainrange]

Thanks for that message.
I don't know what to do sometimes and I just cry and also panic.
I'll never get over it.
My mental health has been affected badly.
I feel rubbish.
she has had flings with other men and used to always brag about men going after her and coming on to her and all that.
Even then, I didn't know it had happened with my husband. She acted the same towards me.
It was many years later that I learnt about their affair.
I look back and try to piece it altogether, but I can't.
He hurt me massively and I will never get over this.
She's on to a second marriage now.

[determinedtomakethiswork]

I think the friend has committed a bigger betrayal actually. It's not uncommon for people to cheat. A lot of men don't have the imagination to look beyond their neighbourhood and it's obvious they are going to keep quiet if they are cheating. However, the friends I've heard of who have been involved with husbands have deliberately asked questions of the wives e.g. about their sex lives, how they get on with their husbands etc. I think that is really disgusting behaviour.

[Raspberrymoon49]

Happened to me too OP, it’s devastating and so difficult to come to terms with

[SamW98]

So sorry OP. Its a double betrayal

In times of crisis like finding out your DH cheated, you turn to your friends as support and to know one of them was the part of the reason for your pain must feel devastating.

Sending love ❤️

[Mountainrange]

Oh yes I know what you mean.
I worry about that.
Of course he won't tell me many details.
I want to know everything.
My therapist says that's understandable but also not necessarily a good idea.
He doesn't wantt to discuss it and thinks we've all moved on now because it was years ago!
I only found out a few months ago but it happened about 15 years ago.
I'd suspected something for maybe the last few years or so but it came as a shock when he told me himself.
I know these life stories and accounts often sound confusing and tangle and sorry if I'm not been clear.
I'm depressed and just want to talk on here.

[glittercunt]

Happened to my friend, it would be outing to write the things which happened but there were several things the ex and the ow did or covered in or had my friend do before it all came out, which make many things feel paltry in comparison.

Some seriously awful people out there.

[Mountainrange]

I've just read all your messages and thanks.
Sorry it happened to some of you.

[determinedtomakethiswork]

So the affair was a long time ago but you've only just found out about it or have you only just found out that the other woman was your friend?

[StillAliveButImBarelyBreathing]

Not quite the same as my ex and my BF struck up a close friendship/relationship after we’d broken up. But that was bad enough, particularly as my exBF tortured me over a period of months before I snapped and blocked them both. It’s coming up to a year and I’m still not over it. I think the worst thing about it was knowing they were sharing with each other everything I’d shared with them in confidence and comparing notes. It’s affected my self esteem and self worth, I’ve had to take time off work and I’m desperate to move areas despite loving my house. It’s touched every area of my life and I think it will always affect me in some way. I would say it’s not a double betrayal but a betrayal squared.

I can only imagine how much worse it for it to be an actual affair, especially if you didn’t find out at the time. I’m so sorry they did this to you op. What awful people they are.

[northernlight20]

happened to me. she was my best friend, so 2 ppl i trusted most.thankfully, they're both no longer in my life and its all the richer for it. its hard, but in time, you will move on and like me, wonder what you even saw in the pair of them in the first place.

[Mountainrange]

Only found out both recently.
Marriage ended a few years ago for several reasons but mainly because he had an emotional affair with someone.
The niggling thoughts about my friend began to surface and he admitted it recently after denying it for the last few years when I asked him if anything had happened.
And because it was so long ago he seems to think oh come on.
He said sorry but I'm broken.

[Mountainrange]

I'm reading back my messages and they're not too clear.
I apologise.
Life is along story.
I'd have to write so much to fully explain and then someone might recognise me or others.
It just helps me to offload here and read your replies.

[Dweetfidilove]

I’d sooner lose a man than a close friend or family member, so it would be a worse blow for me.

[IfOnlyIdHadMNThen]

Yes, but I found out at the time rather than down the line. It was hell at the time and I felt like i was losing my mind with it all. The plus side was by the time we split up I was happy to be rid of both of them and easily moved on. Give yourself time to process and cry and get angry.

[kkloo]

Yes it does.
I'm generally someone who thinks the blame lies with the cheater and that the other woman is irrelevant.

But if it's a close friend or family member then they have betrayed you just as much if not more so.

If a partner cheats then going forward people will often have trust issues in relationships, if it's with your friend then not only do people have trust issues in romantic relationships but in friendships too. That's a lot to take from someone, to make it difficult to even be able to trust friends.

[Beautiful3]

Are tou still together? Even though it happened years ago, you've only found out about it now. It's fresh and hurtful. I'd get rid of both of them.

[MsRosley]

@StillAliveButImBarelyBreathing

Not quite the same as my ex and my BF struck up a close friendship/relationship after we’d broken up. But that was bad enough, particularly as my exBF tortured me over a period of months before I snapped and blocked them both. It’s coming up to a year and I’m still not over it. I think the worst thing about it was knowing they were sharing with each other everything I’d shared with them in confidence and comparing notes. It’s affected my self esteem and self worth, I’ve had to take time off work and I’m desperate to move areas despite loving my house. It’s touched every area of my life and I think it will always affect me in some way. I would say it’s not a double betrayal but a betrayal squared.

I can only imagine how much worse it for it to be an actual affair, especially if you didn’t find out at the time. I’m so sorry they did this to you op. What awful people they are.

Exactly the same thing happened to me. My long-term friend tried to hide it from me, but I quickly realised what was going on. I dumped her immediately and never regretted it, but the impact on my life was huge. Like you, it was knowing that everything I'd told them in confidence was being shared. She was also vile to my children. I recommend therapy if you can afford it - that helped me immensely, but honestly it took me about five years to get over it.

[CheeryPye]

Kind of an oxymoron. She's not your friend if she's knocking your old man off.

[starrynight47]

This happened to me, over 20 years ago . I felt doubly betrayed - it was almost worse with her than with him , since I'd always felt that we were like sisters and I just couldn't believe it when I found out. It had been going on for 2 years ! When I found out, I was re-living all the times we'd talked about personal stuff , and discussing our husbands , and feeling terrible that she'd been having an affair with my husband during all that time.

I divorced my husband , I'm remarried and very happy now , but after all that time it still burns me to think of them together, and me so totally clueless . I'm so sorry that you are going through this too. Sending a hand hold, op.

[StillAliveButImBarelyBreathing]

@MsRosley

Exactly the same thing happened to me. My long-term friend tried to hide it from me, but I quickly realised what was going on. I dumped her immediately and never regretted it, but the impact on my life was huge. Like you, it was knowing that everything I'd told them in confidence was being shared. She was also vile to my children. I recommend therapy if you can afford it - that helped me immensely, but honestly it took me about five years to get over it.

I’m so sorry you experienced this too but I’m so glad you’re over it now. Part of it for me was that I didn’t know if I had a right to feel upset at what was happening because technically it wasn’t cheating but it felt like a massive betrayal all the same. There were so many layers to it, not least that she literally lives a couple of streets up from me and I could see his car was at hers every evening and couldn’t avoid them. I only blocked her in the end because she was being really unkind to me and told me she preferred his company over mine when I was seeking reassurance about our friendship (a friend of ten years compared to a few months of them hanging out). He was also my childhood friend of 30 years.

I did around 6 months of therapy which got me through the intense pain part before I couldn’t afford it anymore but now I’m in a depressed state, not really caring about anything anymore. All I want to do is sleep all the time. I’m also horribly anxious about any decision I make and doubt myself all the time. I read it takes 2 years to get over a betrayal but I think 5 sounds more like it given how I’m feeling.

I heard recently that they don’t talk anymore and I haven’t seen his car there in a while but it hasn’t helped much as the damage is already done.