If the OW was your friend

[Mountainrange]

So, as the title suggests, does it matter if the other woman was your friend?
From personal experience, I think it does.
It was a double betrayal, and to make matters worse, I didn't find out till years after the event.
She continued to be my close friend after the affair with my husband.
He's now ex of course!
She's ex too.
The pair of them, right in front of me but I couldn't see it.
Caused me so much pain.
I can't even begin to explain.

My dear you’re going to get over this absolutely as the thing is don’t let that Ho and your ex win … your ex husband didn’t deserve to be married to a woman as beautiful as you and you kicked him to the kerb ( even if you didn’t … you still did )
that HO ex friend sees men as a challenge and it doesn’t mean anything to her if their married or not she’s satisfying an inner demon . She never deserved to have a friend like you
I’m sending you a virtual hug and hope that HO ex friends husband has a bit on the side and ur ex husbands Willy falls off

I knew someone who's husband had an affair with her sister. To say she was devastated was an understatement. Completely ripped apart the family.

This has just happened to my very good friend. It really does matters, such betrayal from 2 people she genuinely loved. It's awful to see what they've done to her. The impact is so far reaching.

@Mountainrange, my heart goes out to you. These two trusted loved ones duped you and stole your agency in plain sight. They are morally bankrupt snakes who lack decency, integrity and empathy.

How dare he downplay this appalling betrayal because it's ‘old news.’ It is fresh and devastating news to you. I’m glad that you have the support of therapy.

Does your Ex-friend OW know that you know?

Yes, that was my situation. She had the nerve to write me a letter (this was in the 80s) to apologize. Her supposed contrition didn't stop them from getting married, although it didn't last. It is a double betrayal, but I survived and thrived and have been very happy with dh for over 30 years.

It happened to me. They are still together and now married. I have moved on and am happily remarried but it took a long long time for me to trust enough to consider marriage again.

It's more than 20 years since it happened and I'm indifferent to my ex-h but her betrayal still hurts. I knew she was having difficulties in her own relationship and was a shoulder to cry on. I just couldn't believe she would do that to me and my children. It really irks me that she still lives in my head but I can't seem to kick her out.

It happened to me, the OW was my next door neighbour and very good friend. I’ve had counselling and it’s been 3 years but it still hurts that two people I trusted so much could do that to me.

It messes with your head so much wondering how long it went on for, all the times I went upstairs to put my toddler to leaving them together.

The fact that I supported her in a relationship breakdown, babysat, allowed her in my home at Christmas.

Our oldest son was 15 and in such a crucial time in his life, I hate what his Dad and the OW did to him, he started bunking off school. Luckily with my support he’s now 18 and doing A Levels. He no longer speaks to his Dad.

She moved and he moved in with her and her 2 children that he spent 8 years saying how annoying they were. There will never been any trust in the relationship.

I had told her a lot of personal things over the years, which she used against me, she even tried to make up that I had been seeing a married man so that I looked like the bad person.

I don’t think will ever trust anyone again, as for them two they are sneaky rats, she did me a massive favour. He was nothing but a jealous, lazy, controlling alcoholic.

I think something like this takes a lot of time to recover from.

Same happened to me. My so called best friend let me sob in her arms when after a year long affair my husband finally decided to leave me. He denied anyone else was involved.
How she could do that I will never know.
She continued as my best friend for another six months until I finally found out what was going on by accidentally finding photos of the two of them on my computer which he had forgotten was synced to his phone.
The photo which absolutely killed me was both of their initials carved with a heart and the date into a tree. The bastard ex had done exactly the same for me when we first got together.
She even had me looking after her horse throughout that time telling me she had family problems.
The family problems actually meant throwing her husband out and shagging mine.
7 years ago but I still can’t get over the protracted cruelty of the whole thing.

Thanks for all your messages.
Sorry I'm unable to reply to each of you individually.
Many of you are saying the same thing, that this takes years to get over, if ever. Sadly, I can relate to that.
And the wanting to know and never finding out. She was in my house for years after. Sometimes I still can't believe it.
And he just puts it all in the past.
It's an awful unsettling feeling. And as one of you mentioned, it messes with your head and self esteem.

When push comes to shove, you can never ever trust anyone.

I'm sorry you're still in the thick of it, especially as she lives so close. It will get better, but time is the only healer, and maintaining good boundaries going on. I'd recommend never letting her back into your life - she may try to salve her conscience. But she's proved she's not your friend by any definition of the word.

Your post really helped me. I had a few friends who could not understand why I was so angry and devastated. They seemed to think that so long as it wasn't actually happening while my ex and I were together, I shouldn't have a problem with it. Their lack of empathy or understanding made me feel worse, so it's reassuring, even after all this time, to know my reactions were normal.

OP, sorry if I've semi hijacked your post. All I can say is that given it was so painful for me when my friend went off with my ex-husband, I can barely imagine how it must feel to have someone do it while you are still married. Sending all the supportive vibes x

I haven't been able to answer you all, but I'm grateful for your messages.
Yes, she does know that I know.
I contacted her recently and her reply was predictable.
I just wanted her to be aware, that I now know what happened.
We continued to be friends for many years after the affair took place as I had no idea about it at the time.
Maybe she thought I'd never find out. But my ex husband finally admitted it recently.
It's completely floored me.
The feeling of betrayal and dishonesty when I trusted them both.

The only friend she’ll ever have is herself.

Get the anger out and then do everything you can to stop this cold shark having headroom in your

She's done enough damage already, so time to stop and for you to step into your future.

I’m so sorry OP.
3 weeks ago my ex husband (divorce 2020 after 24 years together and 3 children) came to see me. He said he needed to tell me that he and my best friend had an affair from 2016-2020. (He left me in late 2018 citing no one else, spark gone etc, always be there for me…).she was still my best friend 3 weeks ago. We spoke every day, she was there all through our separation and divorce and I was there through hers (in 2019). Her ex husband had no idea.
the betrayal is immense.
I feel totally handled.
my kids are broken.
our wider friend group who she was also part of have been lied to. Her kids have no idea.
He says he feels a sense of release.
I don’t even know where to start. I’m immensely angry, can’t cry at all. She knew everything . 8 years.
However long the period is OP it’s devastating and I am sending out lots of strength to you .
he also told me he attempted suicide in 2021. She knew that too. He’s a police officer. But even he couldn’t lock that kind of lying away securely enough.
I don’t think I will ever trust again.

@crocoonimper, the absolute treachery of those two morally bankrupt gutter rats is beyond the pale. I’m so sorry for the great pain and devastation they have inflicted on you and your children.

What does your devious former ‘best friend’ have to say for herself?

I know someone who had an affair with his mil
That tore the family apart and the mil died a few years later
His kids refuse to speak to him now

My best mate and I used to be like sisters
We where very close
She would sleep with anyone who looked at her,but she's an adult-that was her choice and I didn't judge her (if that sounds like I am,I don't mean it to)

I'd given birth to exs baby-she was the 3rd person to hold him
She sat with me during the night feeds,helped me into the bath,helped me express,changed nappies etc

Then it all came out that they'd been fucking each other a week before I gave birth

It hurt like nobody would believe,it took me years to get over it
It didn't help I lost her mum who was like my own mum to me

Now I just look back and shake my head,but it took years to get to that stage

I know they sat laughing at me,they didn't see what they'd done wrong at all with made me feel worthless but they broke up the second the excitement of 'forbidden' sex wore off

So glad it was worth it to them

@MsDogLady
she disappeared. Two days ago I got a text. Along the lines of I’m truly sorry, I will stay away as you asked and try to be there for my kids, I wish you a happy life.
she then texted one of my boys(he had sent her a shittogram) and the structure was almost identical with a few different words obv)
no acknowledgement of the scale or actions
I have just been told this morning that she told her ex husband on the PHONE yesterday
cowards the both of them
thankyou for your words and to all of you ladies who have shared here - we are worth so much more xxx

That's horrendous @Sharontheodopolodous. At least the trash took itself out.

A friend of mine found out that her husband was having an affair with her sister . For reasons completely alien to me ( and most people) her family sided with the sister who was a bit of a Golden Child. Friend was utterly devastated and took her own life . Simply horrendous.

OMG that is so tragic.
Did your friend have children ?

Yes she did . They went to live with their father and my friend’s sister . It was awful as the family tried to erase my friend - said she was selfish .
This happened many years ago but I doubt if I will ever forget .

It really did take itself out

Within 10 years,they'd both tried snivelling back (he dropped contact with ds and paid nothing-what a surprise!) And she fucked off away from our home town as soon as her mother died

He knocked on my door-had 6 months of contact with ds and then,just vanished
Nobody has seen him since

She tried to contact me via sm-i took great delight in pressing the block button

Apparently,I'm 'unreasonable' and 'should just forget about it'

@Mylovelygreendress

How awful. I'm not surprised to hear she took her life. I was suicidal for about a year after my ex left for OW. Lots of psychological abuse and gaslighting going on.

But no sister or friend directly involved.

Those absolute basrards and your friend's poor kids. I hope the guilty parties forever suffer with what they did. And hope the kids are OK.

I can hardly imagine the pain you’ve
gone through, OP and PPs who have had the same horrific double betrayal. Those slimy liars, still getting all they could from your friendship while destroying your home and family life. I wish love and healing to you all xx

I’d never heard of a shittogram before, but I like the DS who sent one to his mum’s ex ‘friend’! 👏👏

OP, I'm surprised there are not more replies on this topic. I don't have first hand experience of it, but something similar happened to my sister. She did not seem especially upset, and moved on quickly. But she had no idea something was going on, that was the huge shock, i.e. how well it was concealed.

And, the BIL/SIL relationships, I've seen a good few mentions of that over the years on MN. I do understand the attraction to similar people or a "type", I really like my BIL, but anything beyond that is inconceivable for me. NO NO NO