I want to divorce but H’s behaviour has me trapped.

[ReadingandEating]

I told my husband beginning of Feb that I want to separate. I’ve tried to stay and make it work for the kids (11 and 8) but I reached a point of enough is enough.
Hes not a bad person but he essentially stepped back from family life and gradually more and more was left to me and I’d had enough. He stopped coming to any family events with me December 2022 despite me repeating saying his much it upset me and I wanted him there.
He was far more shocked than I anticipated and seemed to have a breakdown - raving round at all hours crying and talking of taking his own life, turning up at all my family unannounced crying and asking them what to do. He was Keeping me up all night crying and begging and hitting himself round the head. Our eldest was aware and H kept bringing him into it saying ‘mum doesn’t want me anymore’ etc. it was awful and felt like we were all suffering terribly and it couldn’t go on so we tried counselling and also agreed to set aside any separation for Mother’s Day and then my daughters birthday.

Since that then he’s being the model husband, he’s emptying the dishwasher and doing washing - things he has never done. He has mowed the lawn and jet washed the patio. I mention these as it’s all stuff I wanted him to do but he wouldn’t until now so if he always could why didn’t he.

But the worst of it is I know this only all stays calm if I have sex with him and I have gone along with it because I didn’t want him to ruin my daughter’s birthday. Last night though I said I don’t want to as he called me a narcissist in counselling and it upset me. I said we could talk instead but he wanted sex and when it was clear I wouldn’t give in he blew up, got all got all his clothes, threw his ring at me and said me and the kids wouldn’t see him again. 40 mins later he’s back and trying to talk to me and the kids are asleep I’m tired it’s late and I don’t want to but he’s shouting. This is a familiar pattern and whenever he threatens to go he doesn’t or he does but comes straight back.

sorry this is long but basically I feel so trapped because I can only keep a calm environment for the children if I have sex with a man I don’t have any desire for and at this point no respect for either.

I don’t have any money to go myself with the kids or I would. I work part time and so do all kids drop off etc.

OP this is awful! He is manipulating you and this is coercive control. You 100% should not feel like you need to have sex with him to keep the peace. Keeping you awake, shouting, involving the kids.

I would speak to Women's Aid. Also read a book called 'Was it even abuse'. This is abuse, I just don't think you can see it yet.

Please ring woman's aid. They will help you get out.

In the mean time gather all the important documents together for both you and the kids (birth certificates, passports etc) and hide them away from the house.

Next time he threatens suicide ring 999. You'll see how serious he really is about doing anything when the ambulance and police show up (eg he's not serious, just a controlling asshole).

In my opinion what you're describing is rape. I'm certain that the more you reveal, the more abusive will become apparant

Call womens aid and speak to the national domestic abuse helpline who arrange non molestation orders in the case of domestic abuse (including coercive)

Kick him out- there's more than one way to protect yourselves from his behaviour (,& sex isn't it). You're not responsible for his behaviour - he is.

could you call the police if he kicks off?

When I read my own post and your responses I can see how it’s abusive I really can. But he makes me question myself , says it’s how he shows love and affection and how he feels loved so when I don’t want to he feels unloved and rejected and that it’s been very hurtful for him over the years. He thinks if I want to make the relationship work then sex is a big part and I should just do it. he seems to really believe he is right and justified and I am the one who is being hurtful it’s confusing.

I have done one weekend when he chased me round the house because he wanted my phone. He rammed a door in the room I was hiding and I got a bruise on my head but I told police I was ok and didn’t want to take it further. He demands to check all message apps at the moment as he thinks I must be having an affair if I want to split up.

Oh @ReadingandEating I'm so sorry you're going through this.
All I can say is i divorced a man exactly like this.... it's hell. We continued to live in the same house while we divorced and honestly it was the worst time in my life.

1st thing.... be SURE you actually want to divorce. Don't give him any mixed messages (ie STOP having sex with him.) I understand your motivation to keep things calm - but honestly DONT. He will see it that you are not serious about splitting. Also - on the divorce form if you haven't had sex for 6 months or more that can actually be a reason for divorce.

2nd thing - Assuming you have definitely decided this is it and you want to divorce. See a solicitor and start the petition process. You don't need his agreement to do this.

3rd thing - Start looking at all your finances. Include all the family assets debts pensions loans etc etc. Use a website called entitled too to work out what if any benefits you may be eligible for as a single person.

4th thing - Talk to people in real life. Speak to your family particularly if he is reaching out to them inappropriately. Tell people that you have made the decision to divorce and that things are currently difficult.

Honestly your STBXH is just following a script - incl threats to suicide - just ignore him and practice grey rock.

If your daughter was grown up and had to choose between the following two men, who would you want her to choose?

A) the man who shows his love through abuse, coercing her into sex (rape), chasing her, hurting her, manipulating, raging, crying etc (sounds rough but don't forget it's because he loves her!)

B) the man who shows his love through respect, understanding, championing her, doing little things to demonstrate his care for her (because he also loves her)

And @ReadingandEating, when did you last feel truly loved?

All your words are those that an abused woman writes. He is also not above projecting his own self onto you; he is what he calls you. Joint counselling with him was always going to be a waste of time as this is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

He is a bad person OP. No need to state that he is not. Staying for the sake of the kids never works out with an abuser. He is also a terrible role model for your children to potentially emulate too. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. If he is abusing you he is in turn abusing his children.

His apparent now wanting to do chores is being done to have you question yourself yet again. He's also realised that you are finally serious about leaving hence he stepping up (for now until he decides to stop doing these chores).

Apart from contacting Womens Aid you need legal advice re all aspects of divorce. You are not really trapped here but he just wants you to think that you are.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up ReadingandEating?. Did you see similar re your parents at home?.

He has never shown you love and affection; he is likely to be a product of his own abusive upbringing.

Call the police and report what happened previously when you got hurt; he’ll be removed from the home and that’s what you need. It doesn’t matter that you told them nothing happened before; be honest and tell them you were scared. This is really not good and you can make it stop.

If you are only having sex to avoid his anger then it is rape. No ifs, no buts, no maybes. It is rape.

You are doing things to appease an angry and aggressive man who has shown physical violence. You are being abused. Speak to the police and ask for their advice. Speak to your GP and asking for a counselling referral. Contact Women's Aid.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

What an horrific life you're leading! Please ask for help (links given by other posters).

You can't possibly stay with such a vile abuser. You are not trapped. He just makes you think you are.

Hello lovely, I was in EXACTLY your situation a couple of years ago, right down to the threatening suicide and sex pest stuff and emotional abuse of the kids with "mummy doesn't want me any more" etc etc.

I am now free...it was tough at times but with the help of the girls on here I saw him for who he was (and still is), and life is much, much better without him in it. I am happier, my kids are happier and most importantly, my son has stopped copying his dad's behaviour towards me, which was what made me realise how bad it was, and that I had to get us out.

Definitely don't bother with joint counselling, he'll just use it to try and coerce you even more (and not all counsellors are good enough to see that's what's going on, esp if your soon-to-be-ex is good at weeping and wailing, which mine was/is), just get yourself some counselling to help you find the resolve to get out of there. If you need a good lawyer I'm happy to recommend who I used, again you ideally need one who is experienced in working with abusive ex's.

You can do this love, we will help you, life can be so much better for you and the kids than it is now I promise xxx

OP, this is heart breaking to read. It absolutely 100% is abuse. Emotional abuse. Sexual abuse. Physical abuse. He is controlling and manipulative.

I do not know what challenges you need to overcome at a practical level to leave but please please please believe me when I say that nothing you do or say will change how HE will respond. He will shout, and scream, and threaten and cry and nothing you can do will change that.

I hope very very much that when he was going to your family they all told him to go away.

Just think about this: even if he is super angry, upset, hurt by you and the failure of your relationship, would any normal, non-abusive parent threaten to leave their children forever to punish their ex partner?

Have you called women's aid for support? Please stop attending counselling with him, it will only be making him worse.

Stop the relationship counselling immediately;never go to counselling with an abuser.

Stop trying to save this relationship;your instincts to divorce was spot on in the first place.

Don't have sex with him;no one is entitled to your body.

You are putting off the inevitable by trying to placate him. The emotional outbursts are just him trying to control you and it's especially cruel of him to involve your children. Tell him you want a divorce, not going to do any more counselling, not ever going to have sex with him again. Move out of the joint bedroom, either into spare room if you have one or sleep on the sofa. Tell him you're going to see a solicitor. If he screams/rants/threatens suicide, call the police and ambulance. He needs to see you mean business. Get legal advice ASAP. Whatever he tries to manipulate you, don't engage with it and keep repeating that it is over until he gets the message. If you feel in the slightest danger, call 999.

Your children are going through pure hell and you need to put an end to this. Please call the police and have him removed. After Easter please contact your GP as those children will need counselling after this as i am sure you will too. You need to end this today.

@ReadingandEating It is far, far better for children to have one happy parent than two unhappy parents! you need to take the bull by the horns and just pack your bags and go, hopefully when he is at work! if you have your own car, then put your stuff in there or take it to family member. get copies of all bank accounts. split joint account money and open your own accounts. get child benefit paid into new account. get all ducks in a row and go!

Is your husband aware that if you have sex with him after one of his temper tantrums because you said no that he is raping you?

Id call the police and never let him near me again. I’m thinking of you, please leave him/ get him out x

For me it's the fact that he only started doing the things you'd asked him to help with after you said you were leaving. In other words, he KNEW what he SHOULD have been doing, he just didn't. There was nothing stopping him doing those things before you got to breaking point, he just didn't want to. He thinks you'll leave and miraculously he can find the time and motivation to do them!

You need to leave now and mean it. Let him rant and rave and be 'upset', he's had warning.

Don’t call women’s aid. Call the police. Every single time. Let them know he is threatening suicide because you don’t want to sleep with him. Because you have threatened to divorce him. He has slammed a door on you. He is manipulating the kids, etc. If you don’t call his bluff, he will keep doing what works, and that is wearing you down. He has been coercively controlling you for too long. All of these behaviours are illegal and damaging for you and the kids. Coercing someone to sleep with you is rape even if they are your wife. You deserve so much better. Have the fucker charged.

I agree. What he’s doing is horrendous. Call the police. Everytime.