I want to divorce but H’s behaviour has me trapped.

[ReadingandEating]

I told my husband beginning of Feb that I want to separate. I’ve tried to stay and make it work for the kids (11 and 8) but I reached a point of enough is enough.
Hes not a bad person but he essentially stepped back from family life and gradually more and more was left to me and I’d had enough. He stopped coming to any family events with me December 2022 despite me repeating saying his much it upset me and I wanted him there.
He was far more shocked than I anticipated and seemed to have a breakdown - raving round at all hours crying and talking of taking his own life, turning up at all my family unannounced crying and asking them what to do. He was Keeping me up all night crying and begging and hitting himself round the head. Our eldest was aware and H kept bringing him into it saying ‘mum doesn’t want me anymore’ etc. it was awful and felt like we were all suffering terribly and it couldn’t go on so we tried counselling and also agreed to set aside any separation for Mother’s Day and then my daughters birthday.

Since that then he’s being the model husband, he’s emptying the dishwasher and doing washing - things he has never done. He has mowed the lawn and jet washed the patio. I mention these as it’s all stuff I wanted him to do but he wouldn’t until now so if he always could why didn’t he.

But the worst of it is I know this only all stays calm if I have sex with him and I have gone along with it because I didn’t want him to ruin my daughter’s birthday. Last night though I said I don’t want to as he called me a narcissist in counselling and it upset me. I said we could talk instead but he wanted sex and when it was clear I wouldn’t give in he blew up, got all got all his clothes, threw his ring at me and said me and the kids wouldn’t see him again. 40 mins later he’s back and trying to talk to me and the kids are asleep I’m tired it’s late and I don’t want to but he’s shouting. This is a familiar pattern and whenever he threatens to go he doesn’t or he does but comes straight back.

sorry this is long but basically I feel so trapped because I can only keep a calm environment for the children if I have sex with a man I don’t have any desire for and at this point no respect for either.

I don’t have any money to go myself with the kids or I would. I work part time and so do all kids drop off etc.

I can’t claim to have it all done and dusted but I can say what I did as I really thought I was trapped with being the part timer lesser earner :
I reported him to police and could therefore explain why I wasn’t safe in the family home
which meant I could claim UC housing element for me and my 2 children in a rented house - this was very simple please don’t let it put you off.
I’ve claimed UC since, my ex has tried to reduce his maintainance but as he works for a big company he can’t really hide it.

I will get a pay out from my divorce which means I will no longer claim housing element of UC but will be paying to my own mortgage and home - on my own for me and my kids.
I will be free, small house but whatever , it’s mine. I never have to let him touch me again.

I want to add that it was more horrifying than I’ve said here and me and my kids have suffered. I just want the give hope to women that you can leave. My ex still rings me demanding over and over and swearing that I do what he wants. I’m still navigating but I have my own home I can lock him out. You can leave, there’s help.

Thank Goodness and wishing you all the best for your peaceful new life

I've only just seen this thread. Well done op. It probably will be tough but onwards and upwards for you and yours.

This.

Edited after reading your update: I’m so glad to read your update. You have been amazingly strong. I wish you all the very best for the future. You deserve it!

re your ex’s continuing abuse, I’d call the police again, see if they can advise.

Have you thought about using a parenting app you keep all your communications on that?

Does your ex see your Dc? How is that going?

Great update

Well done OP, hope others get inspiration and confidence from your update! 👏

Fabulous news @ReadingandEating thank you for the update...as you say post-separation abuse is a whole different game (I have the same problem) but being physically safe in our own houses with our DC means so much.