I want to divorce but H’s behaviour has me trapped.

[ReadingandEating]

I told my husband beginning of Feb that I want to separate. I’ve tried to stay and make it work for the kids (11 and 8) but I reached a point of enough is enough.
Hes not a bad person but he essentially stepped back from family life and gradually more and more was left to me and I’d had enough. He stopped coming to any family events with me December 2022 despite me repeating saying his much it upset me and I wanted him there.
He was far more shocked than I anticipated and seemed to have a breakdown - raving round at all hours crying and talking of taking his own life, turning up at all my family unannounced crying and asking them what to do. He was Keeping me up all night crying and begging and hitting himself round the head. Our eldest was aware and H kept bringing him into it saying ‘mum doesn’t want me anymore’ etc. it was awful and felt like we were all suffering terribly and it couldn’t go on so we tried counselling and also agreed to set aside any separation for Mother’s Day and then my daughters birthday.

Since that then he’s being the model husband, he’s emptying the dishwasher and doing washing - things he has never done. He has mowed the lawn and jet washed the patio. I mention these as it’s all stuff I wanted him to do but he wouldn’t until now so if he always could why didn’t he.

But the worst of it is I know this only all stays calm if I have sex with him and I have gone along with it because I didn’t want him to ruin my daughter’s birthday. Last night though I said I don’t want to as he called me a narcissist in counselling and it upset me. I said we could talk instead but he wanted sex and when it was clear I wouldn’t give in he blew up, got all got all his clothes, threw his ring at me and said me and the kids wouldn’t see him again. 40 mins later he’s back and trying to talk to me and the kids are asleep I’m tired it’s late and I don’t want to but he’s shouting. This is a familiar pattern and whenever he threatens to go he doesn’t or he does but comes straight back.

sorry this is long but basically I feel so trapped because I can only keep a calm environment for the children if I have sex with a man I don’t have any desire for and at this point no respect for either.

I don’t have any money to go myself with the kids or I would. I work part time and so do all kids drop off etc.

Why do you say he isn't a bad man? He's an absolutely horrible man. A decent man wouldn't force his wife to have sex with them, a decent man wouldn't chase their wife around the house and break in to their hiding place to invade their privacy by going through their phone, a decent man wouldn't use their kids as leverage to get what they want. This is an abusive twat of a man.

I was in a similar marriage where I was controlled, coerced, manipulated and it wasn't until a few months after I had actually left that it started to dawn on me how awful he really was. I'm two years down the line now and I am still not completely recovered but my life is 100% better and I'm getting stronger every day. Can you go and stay at your parents for a while until you have figured out how you can get away for good? You need the distance.

B Of course. This is one of the things that lead me to tell him it was over. I don’t want either of my children to think this is a healthy relationship.

He sounds horrible and this is abusive. Stop having sex with him and kick him out.

Thanks everyone for your responses it’s helpful to read what I knew already but it becomes muddled when you’re living it and he is relentless and I am tired and drained as a result.

He Absolutely won’t leave without being forced he has told me many times there is no way he will let me ‘win’ and live in the house he has worked for (his words). And I believe that’s the real him truth talking as opposed to all the ‘I love you so much I’d do anything for you’ (until you won’t have sex).

Yes, the abusive version is definitely him. He’s masking the rest of the time because it serves him.

He won't leave but you could go to a refuge for temporary accommodation until you can get sorted financially. You'll need help from Women's Aid and they'll guide you through it all. You really aren't safe with this man - he's too volatile to be around.

Hi OP, just sending a hug and a hand hold.

Any time you don't want to have sex, and he 'persuades' you by making you feel guilty and/or afraid that he'll bahave badly or wake the kids if you say no -

then that's rape.

The only time it's not rape is when you WANT to have sex with him.

Don't let your kids grow up in a home where their dad is raping their mum.

Time to get out, ASAP. Get advice from Women's Aid, hopefully you can get housing since the police have been involved?

Best of luck. Be strong, you deserve better, and so do your children.

Giving you spaghetti head is par for the course in abusive relationships and he will continue to erode your already weakened boundaries here due to his abuse. This man targeted you to abuse you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He, by abusing you in the myriad of ways he is, is in turn abusing his children as well. They cannot afford to see this model of a relationship as becoming their "norm". Do use the police, a solicitor and Womens Aid to get him out of both yours and your kids day to day lives; they will thank you for doing so.

You are being abused.
Next time he threatens you, call the police.
And don't back down.

In the meantime, focus on the practicalities:-
Gather all the financial stuff - everything, including pensions.
Educate yourself: Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitor websites, etc.
See an experienced family solicitor.

Also go full time and sort out childcare.
Check out what benefits, help with housing, child maintenance you'll be entitled to.

Daunting, yes, but do it before he breaks you completely!

So then I think it goes back to reporting him to the police. I really think you should do this anyway because there’s definitely a case here.

Failing that make a diary of all his behaviour inc threats over the next few weeks and take that to the police.

Do not, under any circumstances, have consensual sex with him. The police will use that in his defence. And before any one comes at me for saying that, I know that’s utterly vile but that’s how our legal system works.

Its rape. Sex without your consent is rape. He is a monster. Call womens aid, call the police, get him away from you and your kids as soon as possible.

Police came and removed my EXH. He had no rights to live under the same roof as me and the children because he was abusive, it was him that needed to go and find somewhere else while things were sorted out - not me. It was a few years ago and I can’t remember the legal details precisely now, but it boiled down to and abuser not having the right to 50:50 residence of the family home. If there’s no abuse then yes you’d have equal rights to be there. In this case, you’re not safe with him and as far as the law goes, what he’s doing is abuse and absolutely illegal. Safeguarding you trumps his rights to the house right now. Speak to women’s aid as they will have more understanding of the legal side of things.

It isn't just about modelling healthy relationships with partners to your children, it's also about valuing yourself.

I know posts on such threads tend to be "think of your children", which is true, but I had hoped to nudge you to consider your own worth.

You deserve a healthy relationship (or no relationship)for your own sake - you deserve to have one with yourself in which you value yourself as highly as would have your children value themselves.

You are worth so much more than this.

Do you know what @ReadingandEating, just getting yourself and the kids away from him will make you feel a hundred times richer...and as you'll guess from my username, I've not come out of my divorce from an abuser well-provided for (I had to give him money) but some days I feel like I've won the lottery because life is so much easier and happier. Don't bother arguing with him about the house, the court will sort that out for you, especially as you have young kids - it's not "his" whoever paid for it, even if he paid 100% of it, it's considered a family asset, to be divided between the two of you as need dictates, and it's the needs of the kids that will be foremost in the mind of the court.

For now, if he won't leave, just get the three of you to somewhere safe and peaceful, and plan what to do next. The other option, as many posters have said, is to ring the police next time he tries it on...as then there will be a record of his behaviour, and eventually you will be able to get a non-mol order which will ensure he can't be there.

The other thing you need to know - you've done the hard bit, recognising that he's abusive and that you want a divorce; that's a tough decision made, and what you need to do now is act on it. Wishing you all strength xx

He's manipulating you and following a very common script. Every time he threatens self harm, call the Police. Next time he tries to rape you, call the Police. Contact Women's Aid for help in getting rid of him. You and your children deserve so much better than this.

How are you doing OP?

Just reading this thread & I'm in a similar situation. I told my husband I wanted to separate in February, but we decided to give it another go for the sake of the kids. He hasn't supported me for years, which I put up with, but since having our second child, it's become a bigger issue. I had terrible post natal anxiety & depression & it's really made me reevaluate my life. He doesn't get up in the morning, does nothing around the house etc. It was a bit of a running joke amongst our friends about how useless he is, but when you're living it, it's not funny. He also went out to the pub minimum of twice a week, leaving me to do bedtimes etc.

I realised I'd been unhappy & plodding for a while & started to go out with my friends a bit more - every month or so. I messed up - I ended up chatting to a guy when I was out & we exchanged msgs on social media for a couple of weeks (this was last summer). My husband found out & went crazy - he trashed the house & since then, he watches every move I make. He checks my phone, emails, goes through my bag. When he has a drink he gets angry, calls me names, keeps me awake at night verbally abusing me. I get that I destroyed the trust, so I just accept that's what I have to put up with. He says it's what have to put up with because of what I've done.

It's made me even more unhappy & in February I ended up kissing a guy when I was drunk & out. That was the reason I tried to finish it as I knew my behaviour wasn't right. It was the worst thing I could ever have done & I will forever feel guilty. He also knows about this & things have gotten even worse. I know I've messed up - I feel like I've let myself & the kids down. I've lowered myself to his level by doing that.

My family & friends think I'm being emotionally abused - and they know my behaviour has been so out of character. They don't condone what I've done at all, but they also see how unhappy I am. I've tried to leave again but he just won't let me go. He says I'll never find anyone who loves me like he does, that I'll be responsible for destroying our kids lives. He uses my mental health against me a lot - he says I'm 'not well' and I need to admit it. He accused me of having a 'psychotic episode' the other week when I tried to stand up to him & threatened to call the police on me.

I have the same problem re: sex. He can be horrible to me but then expects us to be intimate as it's his way of feeling 'close' to me & I should be making him feel wanted after what I've done. The next day he can be lovely to me & I feel guilty & anxious. It's the mood swings that I struggle with.

I'm just so confused about whether all of this is my fault because of what I've done. Maybe I deserve it because of what I've done

Its not your fault and you do not deserve it.

Thank you I'm just so angry at myself for doing what I did. Really struggling with the guilt at the moment.

I think it would help to post a new post, you will get more replies then.

I am so sorry OP, how awful. This is what abusers do, it is all about them, every behaviour is justified, it is always the other person's fault and they erode your confidence, self worth making you start to doubt yourself. Oh and of course watch for the usual "you make me do this" or equivalent. Seek support and get out, your poor children as well need some space as this will be very traumatising for them. I wish you strength and hope you get the support you need to start over.

This is so sad. I hope you have left him

JoyfulLife

You've resurrected a Zombie post from a year ago!

wow I only came back across this as I’m considering posting again as I’m afraid separation abuse is alive and well but omg this has boosted me - I survived this (and it was worse than I disclosed) and I’m now living with my 2 kids away from him and divorced so fucking hell I I’ve made some progress indeed!! Anyone reading - you can get away and there is a help net financially in the UK at least.

Well done OP - you saved yourself and your kids.

Interesting to hear how you finally broke free. Your success can show other women that it is possible to get out even when they feel financially trapped.