Is this abusive?

[VividScroller]

I’m married with 3 kids aged 9, 3 and 1.
ive been with my current partner 5 years we are married for less than a year.

he’s always had a bit of a temper on him but he’s never been violent. Just yesterday after a minor disagreement he shouted in my face, waving his finger in my face and told me I meant “nothing to him” after I told him not to speak to me like that because I won’t allow it.

the argument was over something stupid, he’d left food out and it had gone off because it stunk the house out. I threw it away and he came home and asked where his food was and when I replied I binned it because it smelt so bad he started shouting that I had no right, I should’ve asked him first, I don’t cook for him and didn’t cook that meal so I don’t know what I’m talking about. I then told him to lower his voice and not shout at me and in anger I said if he continued to speak to me like that it’s finished. He replied and said I’m a stupid woman and I mean nothing to him anyway.

this isn’t the first time he’s shouted at me and brought me to tears. Just recently as well he keeps talking about my weight. I’m a very big woman I’ve had 3 kids all by c section so my body is hideous and the overhang horrendous. I hate my body and I don’t like him mentioning my belly all the time. I’ve joined the gym to lose weight and I’m waiting for weight loss surgery. I’ve never been skinny and wasn’t skinny when I met him. He never compliments me, takes me out, we don’t go out as a family. If I book to take the kids out and he doesn’t want to go, he won’t. Eg I’ve booked to take the kids to London in Easter but he won’t come because he doesn’t want to go to London. We get no family time and no alone time. I don’t know if he’s embarrassed to be with me or what.

I don’t know what to do, I’m always the one apologising and I’ve text him to apologise but he just ignores the messages. I don’t feel like I should even be apologising but I hate the atmosphere.

what would you do? What do I do? I love him more than anything but can’t help feeling I don’t deserve to be treated like this even though I know he is a good man

The bottom line is, neither of you seem happy. Why waste your life being around someone who makes you miserable and is personal about your body?

Good men don't behave like that.

I don’t know what to do

Sweet, you do.
Leave him. He is an abuser. You and your children deserve a life of peace and security.
Don't apologise any more. Stay quiet and start working out how you will manage without him.

He is not a good man.
He is abusive.
He is a hideous role model for the kids.
LTB and don’t look back.

Ime you don't love him. You love the idea of a happy family life. He won't give you that.

Ltb. You owe it to your dc to have a calm home life if you can't do it for yourself.

He doesn't love you. Just bin him. And exercise won't get rid of the weight. Go to Slimming World.

Well, true. The body thing is extremely difficult for me because he knows I’m sensitive about it. I didn’t think it bothered him because we always have had a good s** life.

I'm going to be honest op - he is not a good man. Good men don't shout in women's faces. They don't tell their wives they mean nothing to them during arguments. They don't treat the mother of their children like crap. They can apologise without shifting blame. They are not mysoginists who would call you 'a stupid women'.

There's 10 stone you can shift quickly by dumping him. Do your children that favor. Because otherwise they'll grow up thinking women should stay in abusive homes and men are allowed to treat people this way.

You cannot make someone respect you if they don't. He is contemptuous of you. It's time to go.

Side note: it is diet that controlls weight loss. Excerice helps - but only makes about 10% of the difference (of course its good for health so still worth doing). If you want to lose weight, do it for you and the kids, not for him. Id join a weightwatchers/slimming world class where you go to weekly meetings. The in-person support will help you lose the weight. It sounds like it might be beneficial to have more supportive people around you right now anyway.

But foremost, I'd get rid off the abusive husband.
You deserve a happy life with KIND people. He, isn't kind. He isn't the only thing a partner NEEDS to be.

To be honest I think it’s both. I do love him and I love the idea of him giving me the happy family life but yes I don’t think he will give me that. I stupidly married him thinking it would change and that things would be better.

even though I know he is a good man

Aw c’mon op - no he isn’t. You know this.

I love him more than anything

After everything else you've written I'm wondering if that love you think you feel is more of a trauma bond type thing.

Yes, he is abusive. No, you don't deserve to be treated like that. He may have pretended to be a good man to get you into the position you find yourself in now but he is not a good man.

He knows you are not happy with your weight and he uses that precisely to make you feel even worse than you do already.

His behaviour is intentional. Designed to make you feel shit, to make you think you can't live without him, to make you doubt yourself. Don't doubt yourself. He is a weak 'man' who chooses to abuse rather than have a proper relationship. You deserve better

He’s a cunt an abusive one

This isn’t the first time either. There’s been other arguments and he never apologises it’s always me. Thank you I am joining slimming world as well after Easter, as funds are a bit tight at the moment but I’m starting on 6 April.
regarding my weight I of course want to lose weight for myself and my children, but a bit for him as well. He makes me feel hideous. He never tells me I look nice but I always tell him he does because well he does. He says I need to lose weight to spice up our life in the bedroom although we’ve always had a good sex life. He says we need to be able to try different positions and stuff and I said we still can I’m only fat doesn’t mean we can’t experiment lol. then he says always doing the same positions can get boring and can make your man want to leave. So it just makes me feel like shit all round really

So it just makes me feel like shit all round really

I'm not surprised. Everything's your fault, your responsibility. He makes you feel hideous - what a prince among men 😡

Think about losing weight for yourself, not because a no mark who makes you feel hideous and blames you for everything wants you to improve his fucking sex life. Urgh, I'm angry on your behalf @VividScroller . Really, you deserve better

He sounds awful. What a miserable situation. Leave.

He's horrible op and the thing is with these sort of people, they always make their partners feel unloved/unlovable. You could be Marilyn Monroe and he'd still make you feel like that wasn't enough.

You deserve to get healthy and you will. But he'll suck that happiness away from you. He'll find something else to put you down about.

The thing about relationships is, they aren't just about how you feel about them, they are about how they make you feel about yourself.

If im married to a hunk but every so often...he tells me I'm worthless... is that a relationship I should be in? Even if everything else is great 99% of the time? No. Because every day I stay I lose a little bit of myself. Every day I stay my children see me lose a little bit of myself. No matter how shiny he may be...I was shiny once too.

Love is a great thing. But love YOU. Love your kids. They deserve a happy mother.

He deserves a boot in the stones and a cold stony floor to sleep on.

Get out of there love!

I don’t understand it because we have always had a good sex life he’s never said otherwise. Only that the bigger I get the more positions we can’t do so maybe one day it will cause a “man to leave or cheat” so yeah basically if i get bigger he might cheat on me lol

He's abusive. I think he's vile. See how he treats you. Now look at your kids and and know your boys will become him and your girls will marry him. It's your job to show them what a good relationship looks like, what good boundaries look like. What do you think this relationship shows them?

Think this has already started to happen I feel like a shadow of the person I once was. I don’t get enjoyment from anything anymore. I thought being married and being a family meant doing stuff together. But he’s not “obliged to follow me everywhere” if he doesn’t want to go somewhere ie bowling or the park with the kids then I can’t force him. So I have to take the kids out by myself anyway. I just don’t know what to do or how to leave him. I’ve tried so many times and we just end up back together but I’ve had enough x

Worst thing is is we have 3 girls so I’ve even said to him what would he do if one of our daughters comes home and tells him that she’s being treated the way he treats me. He doesn’t give me an answer.

You need to stop having babies with him. You will end up with more work raising them as a single mum with a feckless Co parent.

I’ve stopped I can’t physically have any more children so that is definitely not going to be a problem lol x

This isn't love. Don't let your kids believe this is what love looks like. I'd prefer to be single. If/ when you split I'd suggest a patenting app. You cam get ones that stores and time dates text and turns all voice calles into written form. Leaving him won't make him less abusive but it will show your girls that it's unacceptable.

Come on @VividScroller this is Mumsnet, you know what everyone will say.
He is not not not a good man btw. You deserve much better.

I know but I need to hear it. Because I don’t know how else to leave him. He’s also a lazy tear btw. Ok he works full time and I’m home with the kids but on his days off he does nothing to help me. He sits and watches Netflix and goes on his phone all day. He might sweep the floor once everyone is in bed but that’s it. So it’s an accumulation of things really