Is this abusive?

[VividScroller]

I’m married with 3 kids aged 9, 3 and 1.
ive been with my current partner 5 years we are married for less than a year.

he’s always had a bit of a temper on him but he’s never been violent. Just yesterday after a minor disagreement he shouted in my face, waving his finger in my face and told me I meant “nothing to him” after I told him not to speak to me like that because I won’t allow it.

the argument was over something stupid, he’d left food out and it had gone off because it stunk the house out. I threw it away and he came home and asked where his food was and when I replied I binned it because it smelt so bad he started shouting that I had no right, I should’ve asked him first, I don’t cook for him and didn’t cook that meal so I don’t know what I’m talking about. I then told him to lower his voice and not shout at me and in anger I said if he continued to speak to me like that it’s finished. He replied and said I’m a stupid woman and I mean nothing to him anyway.

this isn’t the first time he’s shouted at me and brought me to tears. Just recently as well he keeps talking about my weight. I’m a very big woman I’ve had 3 kids all by c section so my body is hideous and the overhang horrendous. I hate my body and I don’t like him mentioning my belly all the time. I’ve joined the gym to lose weight and I’m waiting for weight loss surgery. I’ve never been skinny and wasn’t skinny when I met him. He never compliments me, takes me out, we don’t go out as a family. If I book to take the kids out and he doesn’t want to go, he won’t. Eg I’ve booked to take the kids to London in Easter but he won’t come because he doesn’t want to go to London. We get no family time and no alone time. I don’t know if he’s embarrassed to be with me or what.

I don’t know what to do, I’m always the one apologising and I’ve text him to apologise but he just ignores the messages. I don’t feel like I should even be apologising but I hate the atmosphere.

what would you do? What do I do? I love him more than anything but can’t help feeling I don’t deserve to be treated like this even though I know he is a good man

I know it’s hard to split, but if there’s a way, do it. Imagine a nice peaceful insult free life and go for it.

Yes, he's abusive and he's using the fact that your self esteem is not great to have you question it.

Don't worry about your weight for now. Find supports to escape this though. You are not to blame for his abuse.

Im so sorry you’re going through that. You deserve better and you should make arrangements to leave him

I just don’t know what to do or how to leave him. I’ve tried so many times and we just end up back together but I’ve had enough x

@VividScroller have you considered phoning Women's Aid? You are who they are there for, to support you and give you the strength to end the relationship and how to do it as safely as possible.

But he’s not “obliged to follow me everywhere” if he doesn’t want to go somewhere ie bowling or the park with the kids then I can’t force him. So I have to take the kids out by myself anyway

On top of the verbal abuse, this really stands out to me.

Hw takes what he wants/what suits him from family life/from a relationship but ducks out of the normal obligations/responsibilities etc of a relationship and family life ....which is to spend time with and do stuff with your partner and kids and step kids. That's family life.

He doesn't "do" family life.
He just takes/does what he wants.

In that regard he's a user, extremely selfish, dysfunctional etc.

Any man who acts like this is a sort of tyrant; "I take what I want but if you think you can get me to meet any normal responsibilities or do anything I don't fancy doing .... you can fk off".

It's not a fair relationship.
It's not an equal relationship.

And participating in couple and family activities is not "following" you anywhere.

It's normal, average behaviour.

He's just very selfish, and manipulating you into thinking you're unreasonable expecting him to do stuff with you and the family.
It's not.

Just yesterday after a minor disagreement he shouted in my face, waving his finger in my face

This also sounds like he has the capacity to get worse/more physical.

he’s always had a bit of a temper

I find that's often a cover for being abusive.

And tempers are for toddlers.

His lack of emotional regulation is not other people's problem.

Or maybe he chooses not to regulate his emotions because it gets him what he wants ... His way, dominance, not being expected to meet his responsibilities.
That's what a lot of "temper" is about.

These men can usually control their temper when police, bouncers, bosses, other men who could give them a good hiding etc are in the picture.

If he can impregnate women and produce kids, then he can do stuff with the kids ...that's parenting.

Except he wants you to do most or all of it.

I'm sure when you're out doing stuff, you see lots and lots of families with both parents out ..that's normal .. he's a chancer/selfish b.

Hi thanks everyone for your messages

just a little update, he has basically told me he wants to separate. He says I’m too demanding of him, I depend on him for my happiness, etc etc. Also mentioning my weight again that if I don’t change he will end up cheating so it’s best he leaves now before something happens. That when we have sex he feels nothing, which obviously has cut like a knife but I didn’t know he felt like that. Believe me if I could stand in front of the mirror now with a knife and cut all my belly off I would. I told him it’s him getting me pregnant that made my body like this. Anyway he’s coming to get clothes then staying at his best friends apparently because he would prefer to be far from me. So I guess after less than 6 months married and 3 kids this is it.

OP this isn’t about your belly or your sex life. It’s just another way for him to abuse you.

Please let him go, try to keep any emotional outbursts away from him so that he can’t see that he’s getting to you, as everything you’ve said here would indicate he wants to hurt you, and this is just another weapon. Don’t beg him to stay or tell him you love him. Agree that it’s not a healthy relationship and that love and fidelity isn’t dependent on weight or looks, it comes from wanting the best for each other.

Resolve to give yourself the love and care you’ve been missing, instead of talking about harming yourself to somehow try to make yourself worthy of him. He’s a cunt and doesn’t deserve you.

At best I’d say he has his eye on someone else and is splitting with you - even if he thinks it’s temporary - so that he can cheat and still consider himself a good man. Worst case is that he’s playing with your mind and heart and trying to manipulate you into begging him to stay etc which means he’s got you exactly where he wants you. Neither of those make him a good man.

Please model self respect and independence to your daughters. You don’t need this toxic twat in your life. While they’re young you’ll have to facilitate a relationship with their dad, but they’ll see him for what he is and will balance out his nasty controlling misogyny by seeing you thrive without him. You can do this.

@VividScroller I agree with @BigPussyEnergy he is more than likely already with someone else. They very often ramp up their abuse when they have their head turned so that their victim will be the one to end the relationship, so he can be the victim with the crazy ex. It probably won't seem like it just now but IME experience it's the best way for such a relationship to end, they'll be so busy trying to convince the new one how great they are that they'll forget about bothering you. Hopefully he'll stick with this one for a good long time so you have peace to get on with your life.

These men are so weak. What he said to you when he was ending it, why couldn't he just say it wasn't working for him. Because he had to grind you further down.

You'll probably have lots of ups and downs, it takes time to process everything. Keep posting if it helps, there are so many of us who have been there

With regards to my weight he knows I’m trying. He just wants me to fall asleep fat and wake up thin and unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. I wish he saw more than just my weight. I have a good heart I’m a good mum and I’d do anything for him and the kids. But because I’m fat it’s not good enough. I will never ever have sec with him again, if he feels nothing. I can go and have sex with any man and feel nothing but for my husband and a man I’ve been with for 5 years to tell me he feels nothing just means he has no feelings. And when I told him that he said he doesn’t want to talk anymore because he’s tired of talking. About an issue he raised in the first place.
I don’t know how to do this on my own. I mean I technically am anyway as I’m always with the kids but to actually say it’s finished. We only got married months ago, everyone is going to laugh. All that money we spent just wasted. He probably has already cheated and just using that as an excuse so when I find out about it he can blame me and say he told me he would or something stupid along those lines.

im just really struggling at the moment I just want to message him and beg him but what for? We’ve been here so many times and nothing ever changes. I’ve never felt good enough for him

Why do you love him? What is it about him that you love? Nothing you've described about your relationship sounds tolerable, nevermind likable or lovable. If you can't get this sorted out in your head you'll always be in a shitty relationship, with this man or the next.

He’s a good daddy. When I met him I was in a really bad place I’d come from a really bad previous relationship and he really helped fix me or so I thought. He was just different and I thought he showed me what it was like to be loved properly. But yeah right now, I don’t know why I love him, I just do. Probably because I think so little of myself

This is so sad to read, I’m so sorry you have been enduring this. I probably wouldn’t be able to add much more to what everyone else has said, but this quote has always resonated with me:

”When someone shows you who they are, believe them…”

He has shown you. You deserve better.

I wish you all the best. Perhaps joining a women’s support group could really help at this time? Take care.

When I met him I was in a really bad place

You were just what he was looking for. He could appear to be your saviour, would convince you that's what he was, while grinding you down to where you are now.

I’ve never felt good enough for him

Because that's what he wanted you to feel. He made you that way. Intentionally.

everyone is going to laugh

I doubt it. If they do they're arseholes who don't deserve your time. They'll likely roll their eyes at the fact loverboy's turned his attentions to the next one. Then they'll watch her diminish the way you have.

I wish he saw more than just my weight.

Oh, he does, dear, that's why he is the way he is. It's the fact that you are everything he's not - kind, caring, loving, etc - that he uses the thing that bothers you most to grind you down, that he needs you to be ground down, so he can feel better about himself. It is intentional.

for my husband and a man I’ve been with for 5 years to tell me he feels nothing just means he has no feelings

This is truer than you probably realise. Yes, he has no feelings, he is unable to feel what normal people feel, that is why he behaves the way he does. When he appeared loving at the beginning he was just playing a part, he was mirroring you. To him, no matter who or what he is shagging it is just a vessel for him to masterbate into. It's not love in any way shape or form, not on his part. He is an empty vessel, when it comes to feelings. He can't understand them, that's why he has to try and break your spirit, in the hope that the only feeling you will have left is one of sorrow.

He is not a good daddy. Good daddies don't treat their children's mother the way he has treated you.

It's hard just now @VividScroller , cry if you need to, wrap up in a blanket, get outside for some air, take the thing out of the drawer that you hid away because he didn't like it and put it out in pride of place. If you feel like contacting him, do something else, re-consider that thought half an hour later. If you feel like contacting him, do something else, re-consider that thought half an hour later. If you feel like contacting him, do something else, re-consider that thought half an hour later. Don't contact him, it will get easier. It'll take time, but you will get there

You can't expect a men to love you and respect you when you don't love yourself.. His behaviour towards you is mirroring how you feel about yourself. Love yourself, set boundaries, don't allow him to treat you this way

No one can fix you, only you can fix yourself with the right healing

OP if you read this thread posted by someone else it would make you angry on behalf of the woman being abused wouldn't it? If one of your daughters was being treated the way he has treated you it would make you furious on her behalf wouldn't it? So where is your anger for yourself? You know deep down that you deserve better than this, despite all the damage he has done to your self esteem you still know that, and it's time to get angry about it!

Every time you catch yourself wanting to beg him to come back you need to remind yourself of the horrible, cruel things he's said to you, and that you didn't deserve any of them. Let your anger about that drive you through these first few days without him and you will slowly start to notice all the things that are better because he's not there, and there will be a lot more of those things than you realise.

Do you have any support in real life, friends/family? Don't think for one minute that anyone will care (or laugh) that you've only been married a short time, anyone who cares about you probably already has concerns about him and the way he treats you and will be only too glad to support you to stay separated from him. This isn't the disaster it currently feels like, it's a good thing that he's gone, you just need to get through this first little bit of time while you adjust to the change. I know it feels terrifying, change always does, but this is a good change, you just don't realise it yet

@VividScroller you sound like a beautiful person and it’s so sad that he’s destroyed your self esteem. It is heartbreaking to read how you talk about yourself. Leave this idiot and hold your head high. If you want to lose weight lose it for you and your kids. Not some pathetic excuse of a man. Don’t ever take him back.

Abused people often say 'he's a good dad'. He's not a good dad if he treats his children's mother with cruelty. Not to mention all the other stuff you mentioned up thread about him essentially not 'doing' family life. How low is your standard for a good dad?! He's not even a half decent one!

Let me guess - 'he loves his kids' ? That doesn't make him a good dad. And tbh, he has a poor way of showing love!

Also...be aware op, this might not be him leaving. This might be him punishing you by making you think he is leaving. Abusers like to do this.

They want you to run after them begging and pleading as it makes them happy that you are suffering 'for them'. It plumps up their ego.
Then, worse, they come back. Once they feel you are...broken enough. Or, once they've cheated and found the other woman won't put up with their shit the same as their poor wife did.

You've actually got an opportunity here. Don't do what he wants. Grab your freedom with both hands. Look into selling up/divorce if they apply, see a solicitor. Get a claim in for cms ASAP. Seriously, thr second he leaves. Take the steps yourself, take control of how things proceed, don't let him decide.

And find the strength to keep him gone. He's not a nice man. And you deserve to have nice people in your life. All the weight stuff, don't worry, once you get into the swing of the weight loss group diet it'll fall off quicker than you expected. Your life will only get better once you start to realise how much easier life is without this bully in it.

Thank you everyone. I know what each and every one of you is saying is true. It’s not the first time something like this has happened, each time he says he’s going to leave “my house”, as it is my property I rent from a HA and it’s just my name on the tenancy he doesn’t actually have a right here he’s only named as an occupier. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. Every day there’s something about my size, now I’m getting that my
bum is flat as well and he doesn’t like that. Ive told him that he too has his imperfections and it’s so sad that he can’t see past my weight and see the heart that I have or anything else. God forbid if I got sick he’d probably leave me as well cuz that would be a great big inconvenience to him. He says he has “things to achieve/projects he wants to do and being in my way of life is suffocating him”. He will go on holidays and stuff with us but he doesn’t want to do anything else, he doesn’t want to spend money when he has no savings etc. I don’t know the whole thing is just pissing me off and I’ve now stopped responding. The last message I sent was that he makes me feel like shit then I blocked him.

im always walking on eggshells around him incase he comes home and the house isn’t clean enough as he’s called me lazy a million times. I think it’s a cultural thing as he’s from a different culture but that doesn’t excuse how he is I know.

That's great that he isn't on the tenancy, so much easier without the complications of a joint tenancy or mortgage. Now all we need to do is build you up enough that you feel strong enough to refuse when he tries to come back.

Your self esteem will have been under constant attack living with this man, even the tiny comments, the ones that happen all the time and you pass off as 'just how he is' or because he's tired/stressed/whatever, every one of them lands like a knife and cuts away at your sense of self. And I firmly believe there's a link between self esteem and weight problems, imagine the irony if you get rid of him and the weight falls off you!

Whether that happens or not, your self esteem is bound to improve without his constant drip of poison in your ear telling you you're not enough. Because it's not you OP, it's him who's not enough.

Thank you. I stopped communicating with him but I just received a message saying he’s thought about it and he just wants a divorce so I guess this is really it. Never thought we would get here but oh well 😪😪😪