Is this abusive?

[VividScroller]

I’m married with 3 kids aged 9, 3 and 1.
ive been with my current partner 5 years we are married for less than a year.

he’s always had a bit of a temper on him but he’s never been violent. Just yesterday after a minor disagreement he shouted in my face, waving his finger in my face and told me I meant “nothing to him” after I told him not to speak to me like that because I won’t allow it.

the argument was over something stupid, he’d left food out and it had gone off because it stunk the house out. I threw it away and he came home and asked where his food was and when I replied I binned it because it smelt so bad he started shouting that I had no right, I should’ve asked him first, I don’t cook for him and didn’t cook that meal so I don’t know what I’m talking about. I then told him to lower his voice and not shout at me and in anger I said if he continued to speak to me like that it’s finished. He replied and said I’m a stupid woman and I mean nothing to him anyway.

this isn’t the first time he’s shouted at me and brought me to tears. Just recently as well he keeps talking about my weight. I’m a very big woman I’ve had 3 kids all by c section so my body is hideous and the overhang horrendous. I hate my body and I don’t like him mentioning my belly all the time. I’ve joined the gym to lose weight and I’m waiting for weight loss surgery. I’ve never been skinny and wasn’t skinny when I met him. He never compliments me, takes me out, we don’t go out as a family. If I book to take the kids out and he doesn’t want to go, he won’t. Eg I’ve booked to take the kids to London in Easter but he won’t come because he doesn’t want to go to London. We get no family time and no alone time. I don’t know if he’s embarrassed to be with me or what.

I don’t know what to do, I’m always the one apologising and I’ve text him to apologise but he just ignores the messages. I don’t feel like I should even be apologising but I hate the atmosphere.

what would you do? What do I do? I love him more than anything but can’t help feeling I don’t deserve to be treated like this even though I know he is a good man

“You cannot make someone respect you if they don't. He is contemptuous of you. It's time to go”.

Exactly this OP. Don’t put yourself through this anymore.

I’m not saying this to hurt you op but I’d place money on there being another woman. They never jump ship without fresh supply to go to.

The negative comments he makes about you are to convince himself in his mind that it’s all your fault - these types will never accept any blame.

If it doesn’t work out with ow he’ll likely come crawling back - you need to be strong and not let that happen. The way he speaks to you is absolutely abhorrent.

I'd put money on if you texted him 'yes I think that would best too. Grab the forms and get your side all sorted then give me a shout when its my turn'.
He would backtrack the fuck out of things.
It would be all 'wait what do you mean? You aren't even going to fight for US (waaaaah you're so mean, you never loved me boohoo)'.

Or otherwise suddenly uturn at some point before signing it.

Because its all about power.

The only way he's actually signing those papers is if hes leaving for another women. Or, because he thinks you'll refuse to sign them.

I'd get a solicitor sorted first thing Monday.
Get things through ad fast as possible before he has a chance to backtrack.

Please don't stay with a man who doesn't love or respect you. He is horrible, and you deserve better. He will not improve. Men almost never do; they get worse as you have seen. Him wanting a divorce is a blessing in disguise. If you stay together he will only continue to get worse and worse until you are broken. Please don't do that to yourself or your children.

How would your ideal man treat you, @VividScroller ? What sort of things would he spend his time doing? How would he treat you? What would your relationship be like? What would he look like, act like, react like?

I'm not asking about how you'd like your husband to change. I'm asking for a definition of Mr Perfect, in your eyes.

Well that’s a good question because I’ve never asked for too much. I would expect my ideal man to want to actively spend time with his family on days out, and equally spend some alone time with me when we can as well.
a kind of homely man. A man who would pull his weight in the house. He’d look like I don’t know Jason derulo I wish lol. React in a calm and sensible way.

I guess everything my partner isn’t come to see it like that 😩

Yes, that's sort of why I asked you. I had a feeling you'd describe someone who was nothing at all like your partner.

So, next question is, why do you think you should be with this guy who doesn't tick any of your boxes?

Also, your concern is how you are a let down or a disappointment: can you see how, in fact, he is the one who disappoints you, and how he does that almost constantly? Every time he criticises you for being inadequate, he is choosing to voice something which displays his own inadequacy for a relationship with you.

HE'S NOT A GOOD DADDY! Good fathers don't abuse their children's mother and pick and mix the bits of family life they like to make themselves look good. Stop trying to excuse him. He's a foul tosser.

It certainly sounds like he's got someone on the go already. The way you describe things, he's not a nice man and certainly not a good Dad. I agree with PPs that have mentioned narcissistic tendancies. He has a new supply lined up, so now is your chance for freedom. You sound lovely OP and need to take this opportunity for happiness. Good luck x