Do they really always come back?

[wintersgold]

I've recently gone through a very painful break-up and some conversations with friends/family left me with quite a bit to think about.

Something I keep hearing is that if you go NC immediately (as I have) the ex will almost always return. I was wondering if that's been true in most people's experiences?

It's been nearly a month since the break up and I am still holding onto the hope he'll be back, but I just want to know how realistic this really is.

For context yes I know I should be focusing on myself (I'm trying - really!), my ex was the one who left me and he didn't give an actual reason so to be honest I'm feeling slightly lost right now.

If anyone has experienced anything like this and ended up reconciling I'd love to hear your thoughts.

No. It gets back the ones who are not psychologically and emotionally healthy.

Someone who wants to be with you will be with you, and be steady in that. Someone who leaves you and comes back doesn't have the stability you need, and if you take them back, you don't have the stability you need, because you have chosen to be with a partner who has form for leaving you.

Why do you want a relationship with him, @wintersgold ? Why hasn't his departure put you off him?

Not just me then! I don't know anyone who came back either

I'd say no. They usually only leave if they have someone else.

Or

The new woman discovers he was in a relationship when they met she may kick him out.

Or

reality hits and now the secrecy / sneaking about is over they realise they aren't that compatible.

Sorry you are going through this. It’s like a form of grief trying to let go.

Please remember this man for his faults, in breakups we generally think about all the great times, happy memories. But that same man left you with no explanation and doesn’t care enough to see how you are doing.

What a prince eh! Come on my lovely, let him go. Stop focusing on the past and what could have been and wishing it to happen.

Think about your future, scary isn’t it - but that’s because most people are frightened of the unknown aren’t they. You have so many options now. Get yourself done up and get yourself back out there and remind yourself how you can be happy and have fun without him.

You can do it, you really don’t need him, you know it deep down.

How long were you together?

Thank you @Bringonthesunforthewashing that's very kind. Just under a year, objectively not that long but the connection between us was quite strong from the very start

I would think if someone loves you enough they wouldn’t leave you or want to hurt you. I would try and concentrate on making yourself stronger and doing things for you. I have found they don’t always come back. Only the ones I don’t want to know about! Often they go because they have had their heads turned by someone else. I wouldn’t want them back in that situation anyway!

For such a short relationship, I think the odds are low unless this is a narcissist and is missing nee supply. Plenty of people will move on to someone else.

Mine did , but the months and weeks killed me
eventually I said NO . He never really apologised for how his caving hurt me

i get it , you don’t necessarily want him back , but you want to be wanted

but truly the more time that passes the more you heal

People leave for many reasons and as you don’t know why he left it must be very difficult for you to try and understand. The question you need to ask yourself is if he returned would you be willing to risk him doing the same thing over and over again? I wouldn’t have someone back that couldn’t speak to me or give me a reason why they left in the first place tbh. It’s still very early days for you OP, give yourself time to heal. A year from now you’ll probably feel very different.

Some do, some don't but I agree with the PP who said they seem to sense when you've moved on or are doing well and then decide to pop up!

My exH left me a few years ago. He's been recently trying to soft launch himself back in my life since his OW didn't work out and the grass wasn't greener after all. Also a guy who I had a fling with who ghosted me a YEAR AGO texted me this week. Don't know if there's something in the air but both of them can get stuffed tbh.

Don't go NC in the hopes it'll draw him back, do it for yourself. You're only a month in, it hurts I know but it gets easier. You will be ok again. Look after yourself and focus on healing so if he does decide to come back you won't even want him because you know you deserve better.

IME, the only ones who ever tried to come back were the ones who I dumped - and because I had good reason, I never went back.
If it was an unexpected argument that lead to it, maybe there could be regret if impulsive things were said, but if it was a measured, been thinking about it for a while ending, it's highly unlikely.

Yes in my experience they usually come back. Realise what they’ve lost and try get it back by making the kind of effort they should have made earlier, flowers, gifts etc.

There’s really no point in waiting around though. Just assume that a) he isn’t coming back and b) why would you want to live in the uncertainty of wondering why they broke up with you in the first place?

Think of all the ways you weren’t perfect together and all the moments you had doubts about the relationship. Do you really want those back?

It’s spring/ summer so treat yourself and live fabulously.

If they left you for something better in their eyes and they realise that the grass wasn't greener, they will try to worm back in your life whether this involves a ow or not. Sometimes they seek for a new adventure and if they can't find it they will come back or they get bored and want to go back to that familiar setting with you. Don't hold any hope, ignore the people who say they all come back because really why would you want someone in your life who left you?

It really hurts and stings for a while but going nc means blocking any avenue they can contact you from which will heal you better and next time you meet someone you will be much more experienced in reading the red flags or knowing what you want or can't tolerate.

My partner did, though we split because of a psychological issue on his part which he was coming to terms with. The key was I never expected him to come back and got on with my life. When he did reappear, it was as friends but quickly evolved.

I think you need to get on with your life and focus on your happiness. If it's meant to be, it will be

My last one did, 6 months later. However he was a headfuck. I went NC because he couldn’t accept it was over and want to carry on being a headfuck. In the end I threatened to call the police. All has been quiet for 9 months now but I am still mildly on edge that he may show back up.

My ex left me after a year, with no explanation, just stopped replying to messages.
I was devastated and could not function for months, I spent a lot of my time researching how likely it was he would contact me etc.
Well, 2 years later he sent a couple of messages to my friend asking how I was/ wishing me happy birthday etc.

By this point I was well and truly over it, I called him when to ask what he wanted - turned out he had stopped replying as he went back to live with his wife, but had just left her for someoje from work.

The best gift he gave me was to not contact me after leaving, as I would still be hanging on and involved with this toxic awful person who had no respect for anyone.

Sometimes, OP, not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck

I can't say from my own experience, as I have only ever been the one to leave, but from a couple of friends' experience I would say that the men came back as soon as those friends lost interest! It was uncanny, as if they had a sixth sense.

Who on earth would you want them back? Work on yourself more

Tbh, that’s been my experience every single time. But ultimately the underlying problem hasn’t gone away and it ends one way or another. Honestly, get the pain over and done with now. It’ll be worse later. Trust me.

Never chase after anyone after they have treated you like dirt . It just tells them that they can do it again .

This.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

I'm 4 weeks in after a break up. Mine did give me reasons for dumping me, which were mostly about him. (Of course I know that he actually dumped me because he had lost feelings/attraction for me). I'm in an indefinite no contact period - I don't agree with all the internet gurus who suggest a 21 or 30 day period or whatever. I just think that if I want to contact him again, it would only be when I don't care about what the response would be.

He did message me during NC to tell me he was missing me! But I've held firm since and have heard nothing. I am contemplating whether I want to be friends (which is what was suggested on break up) with him, but it's far too soon for that anyway. I don't know whether he will come back and say he made a mistake - maybe he will. I don't know how I'll respond to that tbh. (mine didn't treat me awfully although I didn't appreciate being dumped by email).

The best advice I can give is to focus on yourself, date yourself even. I was reading about break ups and one so called guru said to focus on 3 areas - health, wealth and relationships. So I'm doing that, focusing on my job, health - I've lost 5kg so far and am throwing myself into yoga, and my friends. Started seeing them more, theatre, art etc which fell by the wayside when I was with him. I'm also going to try dating! I think if you do all of this, you will feel better and happier letting him go. IME all men do come back (or they have for me), but as you know, by the time they do, the intention is that you've moved on and won't want them back anyway.

I've made the mistake previously of taking people back who did mistreat me. I would never make that mistake again.

How long were you together? Why did he not give a reason? You deserve better than being dumped without reason, if he comes back, how could you trust him not to do it again

sorry I should say, to be clear, that you should only use NC as a means of moving on, not as a tool to get an ex back.