Do they really always come back?

[wintersgold]

I've recently gone through a very painful break-up and some conversations with friends/family left me with quite a bit to think about.

Something I keep hearing is that if you go NC immediately (as I have) the ex will almost always return. I was wondering if that's been true in most people's experiences?

It's been nearly a month since the break up and I am still holding onto the hope he'll be back, but I just want to know how realistic this really is.

For context yes I know I should be focusing on myself (I'm trying - really!), my ex was the one who left me and he didn't give an actual reason so to be honest I'm feeling slightly lost right now.

If anyone has experienced anything like this and ended up reconciling I'd love to hear your thoughts.

In my experience it was true, he tried coming back multiple times for four years. I just ignored him.
He first attempted contact after 4 months.

Funnily enough, I was a lot more invested than he was in the relationship, I liked him more than he liked me, I was the one to fight for it and he was the one to end it.

Because you welcome him back in, please remember he left you without having the decency to give you any reason.

Not for me. My husband left me 4 months ago and I've been almost NC with him since (only exception being financial / divorce things). Not a backwards glance.

NC should be for your benefit, not his.

They usually try to come back when it doesn’t work out with the OW.

Of course you will then tell him to sling his hook…?

You do not want this man back. Don't be ridiculous.

I would say 9 times out of 10, yes, but hopefully by then you won't want him back.

Why would you want him back, please use all your energy on focussing on yourself.

Not always especially if it was his decision to end it and it's been a month with NC. If they do, it's rarely for good intentions, more likely missing a shag if they haven't already got with someone else.

Break ups are hard, unfortunately he's decided not to continue the relationship with you, I think it's best to work on accepting it, work on focusing on your life goals than hoping for his return, you don't know what's happening in his, perhaps he has met someone else and you wouldn't want to pine over him, that would be waste.

The only times exes have returned to me is when I've broken it off.

Whether you realise it or not OP the callous disregard he is showing for your feelings by not even giving you a reason for leaving will cause far too much resentment for this relationship to ever work out, even if he does come back. He has killed what you had and what would be left if you reconciled isn't worth having, please don't waste your time waiting for something that will never come

It surprises me that going NC gets them back as this hasn’t been the case for people who I can think of.

It probably depends on the "type". I seem to be attracted to men who amongst other things are quite impulsive and therefore the type to change their mind over the end of the relationship. More stable emotionally mature men probably stay gone!

I don't know tbh.

I've ended all of my relationships except for one as far as I can recall. I've never gone back and neither did that one.

I've ended a couple that were reluctant to go but that's different.

But would you really want someone back who left you without giving a reason and who left you feeling like this? Even if he did come back, what would have changed?

People always end relationships for a reason regardless of what that reason is or whether they tell you.

They usually try to come back when it doesn’t work out with the OW.

This.

It's rare for a man to voluntarily leave a woman if he doesn't have his feet under someone else's table.

It's early days for you @wintersgold, keep going, be kind to yourself, you'll get there

By the time they come back -they do-, reality would have kicked in.

No, tbh. If anything they might send a non committal 'how are you?' text but that isn't coming back. NC gives you time to move on mentally, not to show them what they're missing.

People who play games and leave dramatically for a reaction go back. They expect to be chased and want to find out why the other person didn't 🙄

People who, for whatever reason, are going through a tough time and just need a bit of space tend to communicate that and don't end the relationship or suggest 'a break' and just take some time for themselves to process whatever they need to.

Mine didn't. I went NC for my own good, not in any hopes of luring him back, and he promptly went overseas never to be heard from again (no OW in this case).

So, no. It doesn't always happen. In my case I'm actually rather glad, because I might have weakened and taken him back in which case I'm pretty sure he would have hung around for another six months and then taken off again, which would have been worse.

Thanks so much, really interesting to read this. Looks like it's hard to predict and I'll just have to wait and see, I suppose

Make sure it's you who makes the decisions that will benefit you @wintersgold

Yes, time and again. The most recent was a couple of months ago where he actually appeared on my doorstep with his wedding ring in hand, telling me he was trapped in a toxic marriage and would I let him in to chat/get rid of the ring. He'd married the woman he cheated on me with. Couldn't make it up. I remain VERY happily single xx

He will only come back if it's of benefit to him.

Easy sex, fridge stocked, socks washed.

You get to pretend to be the "princess he chose" whereas really all you are getting is someone else's cast off who thinks laundry and food shopping are beneath him and he needs his house/sex slave back.

Yes, every single one, but they only do it when I’ve started moving on from them. It’s so strange how they seem to sense this is happening even when I’m NC with them.

Surprised to see so many saying yes as it’s never happened in my experience, I can’t think of anyone I know either who had them come back

Why would you want any contact with someone who clearly doesn’t cherish and respect you?
You deserve so much more than that. Don’t look back with rose-tinted glasses, the reality is this.

Don't hand him all the power in this.

If he does come crawling out of the woodwork, then you need to find out exactly why he went in the first place. Then once you know, it is for you to decide whether you are prepared too have him back or not.

mine came back after 4 years - stupid me took him back as I wanted to keep my family intact. He left again 7 years following.