How can I sort this?

[Worried8263839]

Really hoping for some advice and other people’s perspectives. For context, my DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 1. We have a DS aged 2. We have a happy marriage, DH has always been very understanding, open and trustworthy. In addition, he has always been very trusting of me and I’ve given him no reason to not be.

The last few days he has been a bit off and finally told me this morning that he went through my phone as had a gut feeling. This followed me sending him a private photo at the weekend, intended for his eyes only, and I asked if he’d deleted it after he’d given it to his niece to take to the park so we had a means of contacting her. He hadn’t and so I asked him in future to delete them from the chat history, which I always do, to avoid anyone else unwittingly seeing! This was reasonable in my opinion but he says this triggered something by for him and he felt perhaps there was more stuff I was deleting/hiding on my phone. I have to say, this is completely unlikely him and I’ve never seen a hint of distrust or jealousy before.

anyway, he’s said this morning that as a result he has gone through my phone. Obviously there was nothing to find in the 5 years we’ve been together but he has continued to go back on messages during the 3 years I was single before him. Whilst kicking myself now that I didn’t delete, messages to casual flings etc were all there for him to read. Some of this was sexting/photos etc which is completely my choice as a single woman at the time.

he has got upset this morning and quite annoyed saying that he no longer sees me in the same light and doesn’t know how we will get passed it. Have I done wrong here? My biggest concern is why he felt the need to look at my phone at all when this has never been the case. I can’t change my past and now feel really embarrassed at him having read them and repeating back to me what he read/saw. How do I fix this?!

[solice84]

Errrrm
I don't think this is up to you to fix
He must have spent bloody hours on this!
Is he perhaps projecting and he is up to something dodgy , as this is very unreasonable behaviour.

[VillageOnSmile]

So basically, he got an ‘inkling’, decided to snoop (rightly or wrongly) and is now judging you for how you behaved BEFORE you met him.
He is shaming you for sending pictures to men just like we’ve done together.

Who does he think he is to decide what’s ok or not regarding your behaviour before you met up??

🚩🚩

[MegMarchHare]

He's completely in the wrong here. Wrong to have gone through your phone, and wrong to take offence at your single life before him. I mean, surely he knew you had seen other men prior to him - it was his own mad choice to rub the details in his own face. How would he expect you to feel if you'd read his old messages to women? That's all you can really say to him. You've done nothing wrong and the issues are all his. Therefore, this can only really be resolved once he owns that.

[pikkumyy77]

Pull him up for intruding on your privacy pre-maritally. Tell him he can either join you in couples therapy to rebuild your ability to tryst him or the marriage is over?

[Menomeno]

Projecting much? 🚩 You’ve don’t nothing wrong. I’d be wondering what’s sparked this sudden change in him.

[Worried8263839]

Thanks for the replies. I understand the hurt he’s feeling as I’d hate to have seen the same stuff but it is his own doing. I was so embarrassed and ashamed as he was recounting what I’d said in messages.
i do wonder where this sudden change is coming from. I should probably add that our sex life hasn’t been the best since I’ve had my DS but he’s always been really understanding and is never one to pressure when life is busy/tiring etc. I think because of that this hasn’t helped as he’s seen me in a sexual way with others, that he is not witnessing.
I just don’t know what to do from here, I had this horrible feeling of his feelings towards me having changed

[solice84]

Seriously how much must he have scrolled through to find these messages from over 5 years ago?
He's being ridiculous
If this is a sudden change in behaviour my guess is he's done something he's ashamed of and this his attempt to make himself feel better by trying to make out that you aren't all innocent either
I wonder what you'd find it you went through 5+ years of his stuff
Although no doubt he's deleted anything he'd rather you didn't see

[Worried8263839]

He also said he wants to go through all the messages on my phone. I have now sat and deleted everything from my past but expecting him to kick off now about that too.

[solice84]

He's up to something op
It's quite common when someone cheats that the guilty party starts accusing the innocent one of the exact same crap they've been carrying on with

[pikkumyy77]

@Worried8263839

He also said he wants to go through all the messages on my phone. I have now sat and deleted everything from my past but expecting him to kick off now about that too.

Ok this has veered from problematic to very bad.

Say “no” and mean it. He is becoming (us already) sbusive and controlling.

[MegMarchHare]

@Worried8263839

He also said he wants to go through all the messages on my phone. I have now sat and deleted everything from my past but expecting him to kick off now about that too.

He's said what now 🤯 No, he can shove off. Before he starts beating down the door and putting evidence into little plastic bags, he can at least tell you what you're charged with.

[Worried8263839]

@solice84

He's up to something op
It's quite common when someone cheats that the guilty party starts accusing the innocent one of the exact same crap they've been carrying on with

Yeah I’ve had it before with my ex unfortunately.
I know everyone says it but I just can’t see it, he doesn’t have a spare moment and is never one to hide his phone etc. I’m not blind to the fact that something might be going on though. Perhaps I need to get hold of his phone…

[Worried8263839]

@MegMarchHare

He's said what now 🤯 No, he can shove off. Before he starts beating down the door and putting evidence into little plastic bags, he can at least tell you what you're charged with.

Charged with sexually explicit conversations that he can’t match with the me he knows now it would seem. I get why it’s horrible to read and was ‘like a car crash’ as he put it. I’m embarrassed because these were random men, I didn’t care what I said to them and was able to do/what I want at the time. It’s not stuff I’ve necessarily said or done with him, which is making him feeling insecure I think

[Janpoppy]

Sorry to say, but is it possible he is cheating?
It sounds like his accusations are a bit sudden.

So he finds no evidence to support his accusations, reads correspondence that should remain private and shames you for it?

He owes you a big apology.

The fact he is working so hard to make you feel bad makes me suspicious that he has done somthing he shouldn't have and is trying to make you "bad" so he doesnt have to deal with his own guilt.

What you do from here is observe his behaviour closely. You've nothing to feel bad about. Maybe ask him why he is trying to make you feel bad when you've done nothing wrong?

[Worried8263839]

@pikkumyy77

Ok this has veered from problematic to very bad.

Say “no” and mean it. He is becoming (us already) sbusive and controlling.

Do you think I’ve done the right thing by deleting everything?

[MegMarchHare]

Forget all this looking through phones. Anyone guilty of anything will have deleted it anyway, or hidden it well, by this point. The issue here is that - for no reason - he feels entitled to go through your phone and sulk about nothing, and demand more. That's the issue you need to focus on. Don't get sucked into proving who is and isn't cheating, just keep the focus on - "Stop this now - what the hell's got into you? Do you think this is reasonable? Because it's not".

[MegMarchHare]

@Worried8263839

Charged with sexually explicit conversations that he can’t match with the me he knows now it would seem. I get why it’s horrible to read and was ‘like a car crash’ as he put it. I’m embarrassed because these were random men, I didn’t care what I said to them and was able to do/what I want at the time. It’s not stuff I’ve necessarily said or done with him, which is making him feeling insecure I think

Well... He shouldn't have looked. There's absolutely no case to answer. Discretion is the better part of valour. He sounds very childish. I don't look through people's phones precisely because I don't want to see things not intended for me.

[ZekeZeke]

To be honest I'm baffled as to why you would send naked/provocative photos of yourself in the first place. (To ANYONE)

I think I would be pissed off if I saw naked photos of an ex/sexual messages on my husbands phone. Why didn't you just delete them?

[Worried8263839]

@ZekeZeke

To be honest I'm baffled as to why you would send naked/provocative photos of yourself in the first place. (To ANYONE)

I think I would be pissed off if I saw naked photos of an ex/sexual messages on my husbands phone. Why didn't you just delete them?

Believe me, I wish I had deleted them. They just got left in the chat, the chat disappeared off my screen after a few other messages and I completely forgot about them. I don’t need to be shamed anymore for having sent photos or sexually explicit messages, that was my choice when I was single thank you.

[Shoxfordian]

He's out of line, massively
I don't know how you come back from this behaviour

[SamW98]

@solice84

He's up to something op
It's quite common when someone cheats that the guilty party starts accusing the innocent one of the exact same crap they've been carrying on with

Absolutely this. He ain’t coming from nowhere to do this suddenly, there’s a reason why and usually it means he’s done something to feel guilty about and is projecting and deflecting.

[SOxon]

transference and projection OP -

[DoYouSmokePaul]

I couldn’t even look at DH if he did this. What an overwhelming breach of privacy. That would be it for me.

[MegMarchHare]

You can ask him - where does it end? Are each of you allowed private thoughts, or should those be mutually approved? What if you kept a diary - would he expect to read it? There's a really important principle here about your own autonomy and dignity as a human being. You are his wife and therefore owe him what was in the marriage vows - you don't owe him access and approval rights over every corner of your mind, body and soul - especially not retrospectively!

[ilovelamp82]

This is not healthy. You don't need to feel bad about anything whatsoever and don't let him make you feel like you should.

His distrust and insecurity are his problem. Not yours.

If would immediately presume he was projecting though and would not put up with it.

Please do not feel bad, embarrassed, ashamed or apologetic. You haven't done anything wrong.