How can I sort this?

[Worried8263839]

Really hoping for some advice and other people’s perspectives. For context, my DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 1. We have a DS aged 2. We have a happy marriage, DH has always been very understanding, open and trustworthy. In addition, he has always been very trusting of me and I’ve given him no reason to not be.

The last few days he has been a bit off and finally told me this morning that he went through my phone as had a gut feeling. This followed me sending him a private photo at the weekend, intended for his eyes only, and I asked if he’d deleted it after he’d given it to his niece to take to the park so we had a means of contacting her. He hadn’t and so I asked him in future to delete them from the chat history, which I always do, to avoid anyone else unwittingly seeing! This was reasonable in my opinion but he says this triggered something by for him and he felt perhaps there was more stuff I was deleting/hiding on my phone. I have to say, this is completely unlikely him and I’ve never seen a hint of distrust or jealousy before.

anyway, he’s said this morning that as a result he has gone through my phone. Obviously there was nothing to find in the 5 years we’ve been together but he has continued to go back on messages during the 3 years I was single before him. Whilst kicking myself now that I didn’t delete, messages to casual flings etc were all there for him to read. Some of this was sexting/photos etc which is completely my choice as a single woman at the time.

he has got upset this morning and quite annoyed saying that he no longer sees me in the same light and doesn’t know how we will get passed it. Have I done wrong here? My biggest concern is why he felt the need to look at my phone at all when this has never been the case. I can’t change my past and now feel really embarrassed at him having read them and repeating back to me what he read/saw. How do I fix this?!

Don't be ashamed of anything you have sent to your own dh or anyone before him
Christ if my partner went through years of my stuff before him I'd be absolutely bloody mortified

I think this situation is escalating fast and is out of your control. He has made you anxious and ashamed about your past. How does your relationship recover? Deleting the messages was well within your rights and totally appropriate but he is spoiling for a fight and will not accept that. I think he is looking for a way out of the relationship. He is looking for a fight.

I am absolutely mortified. I agree with a pp that it’s akin to reading my diary, feels like such an invasion of privacy. I’m so upset/worried for us, but also angry at him for having thought was necessary

I really think this has naff all to do with anything in your phone and everything to do with him desperately trying to find a reason to throw you under the bus
The question is why he needs to find a reason
If he'd found nothing he'd probably start accusing you of staring at men in the street or other such bullshit

OP I'm guessing that he has always assumed in his head that you are a sexual being, sending risque pictures, doing things in bed together that are hot and sexy - with him only, however he 'can't see you the same way' now because guess what - you were ALWAYS this way and duh duh duhhhh like that with other people. He needs to accept that stuff you've done before him is

1. None of his business unless you choose to tell him
2. Doesn't diminish what you have together
3. Get over his ego that you are this way because of him and how much of an amazing man he is. Its not a reflection of how much of a 'stud' he is.

I reckon he's had or having an affair and is looking for a way out that makes you the one at fault. Sorry.

You have done nothing wrong. He is the one overstepping by far, looks like he is looking for excuses and as some PP suggested looks like he is upto something to try to blame you of who knows.

This behaviour from your husband is so so awful. He has invaded your privacy and having found no incriminating material is now trying to shame and humiliate you. Reading your messages aloud is disgusting.

I don't think the suggestions that he might be up to something are relevant because what he has openly been up to is bad enough.

When I started reading I honestly thought it would be -

Husband admitted to looking at my phone and read old messages. He knows it was wrong and is very contrite but now says he can't unsee them and is feeling insecure. He accepts this is his issue. I'm conflicted as on one hand I'm absolutely furious with him but on the other I feel sad for him and want to reassure him that's all in the past.

You were right to delete those photos. He has shown you
1- he doesn’t trust you
2- he is quick to judge and shame
3- he thinks he is somehow entitled to act like if he was your dad - telling you what’s ok or not ok to do, telling you off, checking in messages etc…
4- he is ready to use ANYTHING he is going to find to his own advantage.

It’s not just the snooping that is an issue. It’s his whole reaction to the photos, going so far back etc…
He didn’t want JUST to check if you were cheating now. He wanted to know as many secrets as he could.

Thanks to you all for your views. Now I’ve had more time to think about it, I’m more angry at him now for doing something that will likely have serious repercussions on our relationship. I’m not sure it’s possible to properly come back from this.

Oh tell him to fuck off.

Your past is none of his bloody business and if he has trust issues then he should see a therapist, not blame you for his insecurities.

His nonsense is not yours to manage.

I don't mean to shame you!
But, you are STILL sending photos! You sent one to your DH and asked him to delete it.
Why oh why do this?

If you'd be pissed off at seeing that then don't snoop.

People send each other nudes because they're horny and they want to see the other person naked and to feel desired themselves. OP did nothing wrong in sending those photos or keeping them.

OP, your husband has behaved appallingly. Snooping through your phone is LTB territory for me with no questions asked. And while it's understandable to feel weirded out by hard evidence of your partner being sexual with someone else, that's his own stupid fault, the "can't see you in the same way" nonsense is rooted in deeply misogynistic/patriarchal views and it's up to him to actually think rationally and deal with his feelings on his own.

I wouldn't be deleting or apologising even a little bit.

Because she wants to? Me and DP send each other pics, we both understand that they are for our eyes only and they can certainly spice up a dull day

Huge red flag. Men often do this reverse blame thing when they themselves have been up to no good.
I have no idea why. |My ex husband was violent yet he accused me of being violent to me and all and sundry to try and get himself off the hook.
At times it seemed that he actually believed the crap he was talking.
I'd be extremely suspicious if I were you. It looks to me like he has been up to no good himself and is looking for an excuse to ditch you if he needs to.
Disgusting behaviour and this is a behaviour that is particular to men.

I've sent all kind of explicit stuff to randoms in my single years and I regret nothing. It was nobody else's business and still isn't. The fact that he's gone snooping and dares to blame you for behaviour before you got together is disgusting. I'm glad you're finding your anger.

Because she's an adult in a relationship and she wants to? Do you honestly find it baffling that people want to see the people they shag naked, or are you just doing that faux bafflement "oh my goodness what BIZARRE behaviour!!" that's so popular on Mumsnet so you can stick the boot in?

Why oh why are you trying to find a way to lay the blame for her husband's shit behaviour at her feet?

Why shouldn't she!?!

Did you ever claim to have been a nun before you met him op? Was he himself a virgin? Tell him to fuck off. Delete /don't delete.. Unless you have been sat wistfully thinking about previous men and their dicks he has nothing to shame you about..

he has got upset this morning and quite annoyed saying that he no longer sees me in the same light and doesn’t know how we will get passed it.

I'd be telling him exactly the same. That his behaviour is so despicable and such an outrageous thing to do that I had HUGE alarm bells ringing. That by behaving in this fashion I now saw him as abusive and controlling and I was wondering if I had ever known him. How DARE he read private messages - particularly those from before I had known him? I would tell him I was astounded that he would actually admit to doing this - and even more astounded that he didn't appear to be utterly ashamed or think he was unreasonable in any way. I'd be telling him I didn't think I could get past this and my gut feeling was telling me to go and speak to a solicitor about ending the relationship entirely.

Unless he was grovelling on his knees, ashamed and apologetic and swearing he would never do such a thing again I don't think I could continue in the marriage. I'd make this abundantly clear to him. He's destroyed the relationship you once had. Whether you can come back from it is entirely up to you.

Have you pin protected your phone to stop him snooping further?

Put a pin lock on your phone asap. Look at his and see if he has anything to hide. Going back years before you met is weird beyond belief. There was a post the other day by a woman who was upset at messages she found on her partner's phone from before they met and I just couldn't understand what her issue was. I feel just the same now. It's bizarre he suddenly wants to go back years before you met.

I agree with others, he's projecting. If my partner suddenly decided to go through my phone for no reason I'd be furious and questioning his motives.
Ask him to hand over his phone so you can go through his, his reaction will tell you all you need to know

How dare he. That is a total violation of your privacy. Its abusive and controlling and a major red flag. He is not a good man and the sooner you realise that the better.

I would tell him that you are going to struggle to get past what he has done. That it may be a good idea for him to leave the house for a week or two, whilst you process how he has broken your trust. Don't even discuss his issues with what he has found. Only if YOU can get past what he has done, does anything HE is upset about come into the equation. Rather than HIM deciding whether he wants you or not, YOU need to tell him that the decision is yours and not his.