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Original poster

Ending this situationship

121 replies

Zarahlovesthebeach · 26/03/2024 16:08

I cant actually believe I'm in what friends are calling... a situationship.
I mean I'm 39 for goodness sake and feel like I've been a bit if an idiot.
The truth is dating/seeing someone is very new to me , I've only really done very long term relationships, the last long term one was 14 years. We broke up 2 years ago , since then I've had some flings/ fun stuff going on and also enjoyed having time just me and my kids not wanting to rush into a relationship.
This was all until October last year, I went onto dating sites stating I'm after a relationship, after talking to a few crazies! And weeding out the bad from the good, I starting talking to a man and we hit it off. We had a lot in common and just clicked. We met in December, met 3 times b4 dtd. Since January weve been seeing each other regularly, once a week. We both have children so that works out about right for us.
However something that I first thought maybe just taking it slow has actually shown up to be a bit of a pattern that I really am not comfortable with. Hes doing the old hot & cold thing, one minutes hes messaging me, communicating well, the next I dont hear from him for 6/ 7days at a time.
Hes starting to do a pattern of msging me on the day he knows I am child free and then we end up seeing each other. When I'm with him everything is good , however when I leave I hardly hear anything from him.
If I initiate texts or meeting up he seems keen, but I've taken a step back as I've noticed it's been me doing all the leg work the last few times weve met up.
Since ive waited to see will initiate contact I've noticed can go a whole week without asking how I am / checking in and arranging next date etc.
I know this is all looking bad and have advice from 2 friends, one Male, one female to get different perspectives and they have both said very similar things.
Hes not that into you , hes keeping it casual or seeing others/ talking to others.
At first this hurt a bit as I felt we had a connection... silly me! We live and learn hey?!
So right now I'm in a stage where he has pulled away , its Tuesday, I havent heard from him since Friday and the conversation was blunt. He comes across as very uninterested during this stage ( I've been analysing the pattern) i wont hear from him now until friday afternoon as he knows i have child free night, I'm in a place which is actually good so although a bit hurt , I'm sitting back and watching this pattern of his as it unfolds. Its actually getting quite amusing! 😊
I have decided I no longer want this kind of wierd situationship thing, I dont like his communication style and feeling a little used so I've made my decision now in my head, however much I like this man , I know hes not the one for me. I feel clear in this.
So what I'm asking for is when he comes back on friday msging me asking what I'm doing friday evening I would like some advice over a good reply please as I'm not great with that sort of thing
I dont want to come across shitty or needy, I want to make it clear that I wont be seeing him anymore in a friendly way , we live in a small town type area and I will bound to bump into him at some point, I also dont want drama or animosity, when I have seen him hes been kind and respectful so no need to fall out
I know he will msg friday so any replies you can suggest would be great please
Thanks

OP posts:
Dustydoilies · 26/03/2024 16:29

Don’t punish yourself, we live and learn.

I guess two approaches - be less available & then fade. Sorry, I already have plans.

or direct. This isn’t working out for me, wish you all the best.

Just keep it brief & don’t expect either action to draw an emotional response from him to jump start a relationship.

Been there, done that & sent the flowery texts hoping to get through to someone - doesn’t work. If it isn’t what you want, end it. Anything else is just prolonging the inevitable, causing you damage & preventing you from meeting someone who can provide what you want.

Humanswarm · 26/03/2024 16:39

' Really sorry, I have plans this evening. Whilst we're messaging, this has been fun, but it's not for me anymore! I wish you all the best, take good care x'

MILTOBE · 26/03/2024 16:48

I wouldn't give him any more notice than you have to! Wait till he texts (whenever that is) and just say "Sorry, this isn't working for me. Good luck!" and take pleasure in his frustration.

Original poster
Zarahlovesthebeach · 26/03/2024 16:50

Great advice so far, thank you :) I have actually planned to see my friend for a few glasses of wine and a girly evening instead on the night I would normally see him , so I'm feeling really good about my upcoming weekend :)

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 26/03/2024 16:57

Agree with others. I am busy Friday and whilst we are chatting, this isn't working for me so let's call it a day and I wish you all the best.

Pepsimaxedout · 26/03/2024 17:01

I wouldn't wait until Friday TBH. What good what it achieve other than making you feel better to put him down for five minutes?

Just send the message now. 'This has been fun, but I want more than this is offering. Wish you all the best.' Wait until you know he's read it and block him.

MegMarchHare · 26/03/2024 17:07

If you're really resolute that he's not the one for you and he can't reel you back in, then is there any risk in being truthful and saying something like...

"It's clear to me that this isn't developing in the way I'd thought it might. I'm looking for someone who's mad about me, and if that was going to happen here, it would have happened by now. That's OK - we gave it a go. Let's free each other up to find what we need - this isn't going to work for me. I wish you the best".

I think that's more respectful than a glib "see ya" response, and you can hold your head up high and be done with it.

Frenchtoast99 · 26/03/2024 17:08

I have been in something similar to this. Everything went well for the first 2 weeks and he was really making time for me etc, then it became pretty obvious that he had relegated me to a booty call and he started texting me last minute and wanting to come over really late. He never said that's what he was doing but from his actions it was so obvious that he had decided I wasn't good enough for girlfriend status but he was happy enough to still see me as and when he felt like it. I really liked him so I stupidly allowed him to do this but I was angry at myself for letting him do it and annoyed at him for being so blatant about using me.
It ended as we had an argument about it and I never heard from him again.
Rather than your situation blow up the way mine did, I would suggest saying something like,
"This isn't really working for me anymore, I need something a bit more consistent and meaningful at this stage in my life."
If you've been seeing him since December, he should know by now if he likes you enough to be exclusive etc and if his actions are showing that he's not too bothered then it's better to believe what he's showing you.
I literally don't go by words anymore, I go by their actions. Sounds like you deserve a lot more than this low effort he's giving. Good luck .

Nomore45 · 26/03/2024 17:08

In a similar situation I once wrote to a guy: "This was casual, we didn't really have much in common and it has run its course. Good luck."

To say this provoked a desperate response from him would be an understatement. He tried everything to convince me to give him another chance. It was incredibly satisfying to turn him down.

You may not want to have to deal with pleading messages though so as PPs have suggested a to-the-point 'This isn't working for me anymore' is usually very effective.

Duh · 26/03/2024 17:13

Sorry I think this has run its course. It’s been fun and I wish you the very best.

Frenchtoast99 · 26/03/2024 17:15

@MegMarchHare perfect response, I am screenshotting that for any future situationships I find myself in!

Opentooffers · 26/03/2024 17:42

@MegMarchHare

This response is unnecessary tmi, he only needs to know its not working for her. That leaves it open for him to start pleading and promising to try harder - if it doesn't come naturally leave it!
Or he could reply that yea, he's not that into her so doesn't want to have to put in the effort- which might make a person feel shitty.
Best to keep it short, " I'm not feeling it, let's knock this on the head, good luck in the future".
Once you know it's been read, just block so you don't have to deal with any thoughts he has, or wait on a reply that might not come.

samestyle · 26/03/2024 18:11

I would be direct and honest, it's not working for you, wish him well.

You've given it 3 months, no point wasting time, it's not progressing.

MegMarchHare · 26/03/2024 18:21

Opentooffers · 26/03/2024 17:42

@MegMarchHare

This response is unnecessary tmi, he only needs to know its not working for her. That leaves it open for him to start pleading and promising to try harder - if it doesn't come naturally leave it!
Or he could reply that yea, he's not that into her so doesn't want to have to put in the effort- which might make a person feel shitty.
Best to keep it short, " I'm not feeling it, let's knock this on the head, good luck in the future".
Once you know it's been read, just block so you don't have to deal with any thoughts he has, or wait on a reply that might not come.

I present my optional final line, or follow-up:

"No hard feelings, but a clean break will be easiest for me, so I'll be blocking this chat. Take care"

Original poster
Zarahlovesthebeach · 26/03/2024 18:35

Frenchtoast99 · 26/03/2024 17:08

I have been in something similar to this. Everything went well for the first 2 weeks and he was really making time for me etc, then it became pretty obvious that he had relegated me to a booty call and he started texting me last minute and wanting to come over really late. He never said that's what he was doing but from his actions it was so obvious that he had decided I wasn't good enough for girlfriend status but he was happy enough to still see me as and when he felt like it. I really liked him so I stupidly allowed him to do this but I was angry at myself for letting him do it and annoyed at him for being so blatant about using me.
It ended as we had an argument about it and I never heard from him again.
Rather than your situation blow up the way mine did, I would suggest saying something like,
"This isn't really working for me anymore, I need something a bit more consistent and meaningful at this stage in my life."
If you've been seeing him since December, he should know by now if he likes you enough to be exclusive etc and if his actions are showing that he's not too bothered then it's better to believe what he's showing you.
I literally don't go by words anymore, I go by their actions. Sounds like you deserve a lot more than this low effort he's giving. Good luck .

I'm sorry this has happened to you too... it really sucks , especially when you feel you have made a connection to someone.
Thank you for your advice:)

OP posts:
Lambsarehere · 26/03/2024 18:39

He is totally using you. Like an escort service so to speak, when you are childfree he is keen and communicative otherwise totally disinterested. I wouldn't stand for this either op. Give him his marching orders, if you are going to bother you at least want someone that is actively keen and into you. He might be married or with someone else occurred to me, do you know he definitely isn't??

Original poster
Zarahlovesthebeach · 26/03/2024 18:52

Lambsarehere · 26/03/2024 18:39

He is totally using you. Like an escort service so to speak, when you are childfree he is keen and communicative otherwise totally disinterested. I wouldn't stand for this either op. Give him his marching orders, if you are going to bother you at least want someone that is actively keen and into you. He might be married or with someone else occurred to me, do you know he definitely isn't??

Edited

Hiya , yes I totally agree , I believe he is using me, that's why I have decided to no longer see him. It was a bit of a mind f*k for a few weeks as he wasnt like this in the beginning. He isnt married, I've been to his apartment, very bachelor pad, hes happy for me to come and go there. I suspect hes seeing other people now though as I remembered something from the last time I saw him, he helped me carry something out to my car ( I cannot say what or it could out me) anyway when I gave him a quick hug & kiss goodbye , thanks for having me etc... he looked really uncomfortable with the public display of affection he even did a quick glance around , it all happened very quickly and looking back I now feel it was because he didnt want anyone to see that pda between us for a reason! Thank you for you advice ... my male friend said something similar that had me in stitches actually ... he said your too good to be treated like a dial a p**y or uber shag 😄😂😂😂

OP posts:
Lambsarehere · 26/03/2024 18:56

Zarahlovesthebeach · 26/03/2024 18:52

Hiya , yes I totally agree , I believe he is using me, that's why I have decided to no longer see him. It was a bit of a mind f*k for a few weeks as he wasnt like this in the beginning. He isnt married, I've been to his apartment, very bachelor pad, hes happy for me to come and go there. I suspect hes seeing other people now though as I remembered something from the last time I saw him, he helped me carry something out to my car ( I cannot say what or it could out me) anyway when I gave him a quick hug & kiss goodbye , thanks for having me etc... he looked really uncomfortable with the public display of affection he even did a quick glance around , it all happened very quickly and looking back I now feel it was because he didnt want anyone to see that pda between us for a reason! Thank you for you advice ... my male friend said something similar that had me in stitches actually ... he said your too good to be treated like a dial a p**y or uber shag 😄😂😂😂

Edited
Show quote history

Absolutely!!! What a knob.

I would be planning my exit strategy carefully and thoughtfully for maximum humiliation personally. I can't bear men like this. Quite apart from the risks even with protection, it is really grim to expect any woman to be happy with being on speed dial like that. You can and will do much better once he has been ejected back into the sea. Good luck op.

Original poster
Zarahlovesthebeach · 26/03/2024 18:58

Lambsarehere · 26/03/2024 18:56

Absolutely!!! What a knob.

I would be planning my exit strategy carefully and thoughtfully for maximum humiliation personally. I can't bear men like this. Quite apart from the risks even with protection, it is really grim to expect any woman to be happy with being on speed dial like that. You can and will do much better once he has been ejected back into the sea. Good luck op.

Show quote history

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Zarahlovesthebeach · 26/03/2024 19:00

Thank goodness for mumsnet, these replies have given me so much clarity!

OP posts:
napody · 26/03/2024 19:00

Pepsimaxedout · 26/03/2024 17:01

I wouldn't wait until Friday TBH. What good what it achieve other than making you feel better to put him down for five minutes?

Just send the message now. 'This has been fun, but I want more than this is offering. Wish you all the best.' Wait until you know he's read it and block him.

I'm petty and would wait til Friday early evening so he struggles to make plans... but only because he's been rude!

BirthdayRainbow · 26/03/2024 19:04

It's all a learning curve.

Original poster
Zarahlovesthebeach · 26/03/2024 19:05

napody · 26/03/2024 19:00

I'm petty and would wait til Friday early evening so he struggles to make plans... but only because he's been rude!

Show quote history

I am definitely going to wait ! Not just for the pettiness ... but the cheek of him thinking he can just assume I'll be there at a drop of notice every single time! This week in particular he has really fallen off the face of the earth. He is becoming more and more complacent as the weeks go on. Was tempted to treat him like a dial a dick and then ask him to leave but I really cannot be asked , these days I'm much calmer & just wish people well... the younger me would of been on fire ! 😂 I miss her some days. I'm going to make sure my reply is straight to the point , move on & enjoy my life

OP posts:
Original poster
Zarahlovesthebeach · 26/03/2024 19:07

BirthdayRainbow · 26/03/2024 19:04

It's all a learning curve.

Yes I'm finding this out right now! I'll know the signs for next time that's for sure

OP posts:
Pepsimaxedout · 26/03/2024 19:09

@napody I don't see the point in being petty. In reality, the only person who will end up hurting or being arsed is the OP. Why waste another two minutes of brainspace, never mind two days?!