Ending this situationship

[Zarahlovesthebeach]

I cant actually believe I'm in what friends are calling... a situationship.
I mean I'm 39 for goodness sake and feel like I've been a bit if an idiot.
The truth is dating/seeing someone is very new to me , I've only really done very long term relationships, the last long term one was 14 years. We broke up 2 years ago , since then I've had some flings/ fun stuff going on and also enjoyed having time just me and my kids not wanting to rush into a relationship.
This was all until October last year, I went onto dating sites stating I'm after a relationship, after talking to a few crazies! And weeding out the bad from the good, I starting talking to a man and we hit it off. We had a lot in common and just clicked. We met in December, met 3 times b4 dtd. Since January weve been seeing each other regularly, once a week. We both have children so that works out about right for us.
However something that I first thought maybe just taking it slow has actually shown up to be a bit of a pattern that I really am not comfortable with. Hes doing the old hot & cold thing, one minutes hes messaging me, communicating well, the next I dont hear from him for 6/ 7days at a time.
Hes starting to do a pattern of msging me on the day he knows I am child free and then we end up seeing each other. When I'm with him everything is good , however when I leave I hardly hear anything from him.
If I initiate texts or meeting up he seems keen, but I've taken a step back as I've noticed it's been me doing all the leg work the last few times weve met up.
Since ive waited to see will initiate contact I've noticed can go a whole week without asking how I am / checking in and arranging next date etc.
I know this is all looking bad and have advice from 2 friends, one Male, one female to get different perspectives and they have both said very similar things.
Hes not that into you , hes keeping it casual or seeing others/ talking to others.
At first this hurt a bit as I felt we had a connection... silly me! We live and learn hey?!
So right now I'm in a stage where he has pulled away , its Tuesday, I havent heard from him since Friday and the conversation was blunt. He comes across as very uninterested during this stage ( I've been analysing the pattern) i wont hear from him now until friday afternoon as he knows i have child free night, I'm in a place which is actually good so although a bit hurt , I'm sitting back and watching this pattern of his as it unfolds. Its actually getting quite amusing! 😊
I have decided I no longer want this kind of wierd situationship thing, I dont like his communication style and feeling a little used so I've made my decision now in my head, however much I like this man , I know hes not the one for me. I feel clear in this.
So what I'm asking for is when he comes back on friday msging me asking what I'm doing friday evening I would like some advice over a good reply please as I'm not great with that sort of thing
I dont want to come across shitty or needy, I want to make it clear that I wont be seeing him anymore in a friendly way , we live in a small town type area and I will bound to bump into him at some point, I also dont want drama or animosity, when I have seen him hes been kind and respectful so no need to fall out
I know he will msg friday so any replies you can suggest would be great please
Thanks

Look forward to the update!

Shouldn't this post read "blow him out"? He doesn't deserve the first sentence !

When / if he next texts be sure not to reply straight away, maybe the next day!

@Zarahlovesthebeach ypuve asked how to avoid this in the future and also said it started with lots of compliments and him saying things like “you’re too good for me”.

have a read about love bombing and see if that rings any bells with you.

Also take “you’re too good for me” as a warning to run for the hills NOT a compliment. I’ve never known anyone to be happy in the relationship that started with a man saying this. They are actually telling on themselves and you should heed the warning.

I'd be tempted to wait until Saturday - late morning and then reply something like

Hey you, sorry! I had plans last night. Glad you got in touch though as I had been meaning to let you know that this arrangement isn't working for me anymore. I'm sure you understand 😊wish you all the best!

Keep any of the more detailed responses for if he actually responds like he gives a shit. I'd still be inclined to avoid telling him you wanted something more though. Let him think you've simply lost interest/found someone else because he's blew his chance, in my opinion. Remember the early days are supposed to be the "honeymoon period".... What will you be setting yourself up for in future if you settle for this blasé plonker! X

'Sorry, but I've got another date tonight'

Don't say sorry.

I agree with this. He has had loads of red flags from the start.

Instead of worrying about the men though, you need to work on yourself. Learn about codependency and healthy relationships.

I know people don't agree with my approach of just binning him off now. But that's what someone with a healthy approach to relationships would do. The fact that you are happy to give this waste of space another 2-3 days of head space and want to punish him isn't healthy IMO. It's just petty game playing and stops you moving on.

Am I the only one that just wouldn't reply for 6/7 days ...

Yeah, "you're too good for me" can mean "I'm admitting it now - if you carry on with me, I take no responsibility for your inevitable disappointment".

When you're innocent and naive, you think he's saying he's not handsome/clever/interesting/rich enough for you, and you run to reassure him that, no, you're mad about him the way he is.

What these men are actually saying is "I'm not capable of loving you, or treating you well. All my exes will tell you the same".

If anyone ever says this to me again, I think I'll say "Oh, that's a shame. Thanks for letting me know, though."

Why do you feel the need to reply to him at all? Just leave him hanging, like he’s left you hanging so many times.

At some stage he will probably think the situationship needs nurturing and start lovebombing you. At which point you can send the “nah this isn’t working for me” text.

(But if you do take this approach and you don’t get the lovebombing, don’t get hung up on it. He should no longer have any such power over you.)

I would refer him back to the "you're too good for me" remark and reference it, and say, "on reflection, I agree, I'm way too good for you, perhaps you should look for someone else, with the emotional maturity of a wet wipe", then block and delete.

Well... You've played your part in this as you have gone along with it all. If you usually trot over to his on a Friday after a last minute invitation why wouldn't he think you're happy with how things are? You've also inadvertently told him you keep him as a priority when he does not.

"Yeah she's cool, we both know the score, we have our own lives etc etc."

When he messages on Friday IGNORE. Then when he messages again on Saturday reply cheerily "sorry I was out. I saw your message and thought I'd responded already. How are you? I hope you've a lovely weekend." Then don't respond to anything else all weekend or tell him what you were doing when you're speaking again. Be friendly but busy.

If he's interested he will make sure he doesn't miss out on seeing you the next available time. Don't allow this situation to develop again with him or anyone. Your time is precious. If he wants some of if he can proactively make an arrangement in advance.

If he's not interested then you're rid but you're left with the satisfying knowledge he's wondering what happened.

DO NOT force him into a heart to heart. Just be clear with your actions you're not hanging around for him.

I really wouldn’t end it, by ending ‘it’ you’re saying ‘it’ was a thing and giving it more importance than it probably holds in his head. Some of the suggested replies also over explain.

As some have said, when he messages Friday just say you’re busy. End of. Anything else shows you care too much. I’m rooting for you Op, he sounds ghastly and you sound lovely.

I, personally, would want the last word. I would text back either Friday or Saturday with the briefest of the suggested texts that are logically responsive to his last text.

Do you wanna come over to shag?
Oh! Thanks but no. Out now.

Tries to make future plans.
Its been lovely but no. I am not interested in continuing this relationship.

Exactly- @Pepsimaxedout it's not about 'not moving on and giving it too much headspace'- he's been stringing OP along for months, it would be on anyone's mind! If she 'ends it' he has so much power to make her feel like shit. Nothing wrong with taking a bit of power back at the end- helps with moving on imo.

Did you get the predicted and expected message OP?

Shameless place-marking

Don't reply til Saturday at the earliest! It's Easter weekend...you might have gone away. 😉

I’d definitely go, ‘Sorry have plans tonight, have a great weekend’ and then only respond to his follow up with a thumbs up. And then I’d block or mute him for the week and when he tries to get his leg over next weekend I’d do the same again - and continue until he fucked off. It’s the best way to show he’s completely unimportant in your life.

Oh yes! Any updates OP? 🍿

Oh I wanna know too! It'd be TOO annoying if this was the week he didn't bother (maybe with the bank holiday). Also it would prove @Pepsimaxedout right 😂😉

Why would you all say sorry? No wonder men treat women like shit when they apologise for not being at his beck and call for sex.

Did he call?

Yes really wanting to know how this turns out 😊