Affairs for the dopamine hit

[chuggachug]

I think many people have affairs for the dopamine hit. Like over eating, compulsive shopping, sugar addiction and risky behaviours I think people with a craving for a dopamine hit like people with ADHD might be more prone to cheating.

I think there's probably quite a few people who have affairs for the dopamine hit.

Other people have them for other reasons.

Yip, defo one reason.

Yes, in some cases, and they probably haven't made that connection, just that it feels good to them. I can't think of many things worse than the stress of having to skulk around, keeping secrets from people, remembering who you've told what!

I can't think of many things worse than the stress of having to skulk around, keeping secrets from people, remembering who you've told what!

Me neither. Plus the constant knowledge that you've betrayed/are betraying someone who trusts you?

I just couldn't do it.

I think there is a dopamine hit when you start dating someone and making a connection so I can imagine it’s the same if you meet an affair partner and start to form a connection. That doesn’t mean it’s right but I can understand how it would happen and why someone who’s weak willed would find it hard to walk away. I don’t quite get why anyone would persist from this feeling into a full blown affair with all the devastation that can cause.

Bit of a shit reason to cause such devastation though isn’t it. If you like sleeping with different people, don’t get into a relationship, it’s very simple really.

Jesus christ, I am honestly sick of these posts always saying people with ADHD always doing bad stuff. I know I hop on these a lot but it just pisses me off people trot stuff this stuff out like it's factual.

I have never cheated and I have strong morals about this stuff. I am also in an 18 year relationship.

I don't get a dopamine hit out of hurting other people. 😪

It's peoples personalities, not a NEUROLOGICAL condition that causes people to be arseholes. Understand that spreading information that isn't 100% accurate can do damage and harm. It truly hurts when people do this.

Statistically, people with ADHD are more likely to engage in risky behaviours than an NT person. I don't think the poster was saying that all ADHD people do bad things. ADHD was just used as an example when referring to people who might need dopamine hits.

However I reiterate, that personality is different to having ADHD.

Even if someone is more likely, we all know right and wrong. No one has to have an affair or go behind someone's back and cheat and lie.

There is no excuse for such behaviour and we know when and when not to do anything. Those people are actively choosing to because that is their personality, not their adhd making them.

And I'd say by the amount of thanks I got on my post, that there are many more who agree with me.

All this kind of stuff just makes people avoid us. I'm a great partner and I do not cheat. I'm not perfect but I am so loyal and loving. It is not my character.

I think you need to have little or no conscience.

And I would like to say that ADHD statistics are widely skewed. There is very little research on female ADHD.

Only around 25 years ago, did they even recognise it occurred still in adults.

Makes me wonder how many people they actually did these statistics on. They are still discovering things by the day.

This is such an important point. Research on ADHD is so limited and it doesn’t include women normally. A lot more people are diagnosed and medicated now too (including myself) so a lot of stats around risk taking behaviour aren’t an accurate representation of today’s ADHD population as a whole.

I’m sure plenty of ND and NT people have affairs for a dopamine but that’s about them as individuals and the choices they make.

I think affairs and the reasons people have them are not always black and white but the dopamine hit is definitely one reason.

I had an affair. For me it I felt like the above, I found the lying very stressful and when my dh confronted me after 2 months of it going on I confessed everything.

I did it as an “exit affair” I think. I was extremely unhappy in my marriage (emotionally and financially abusive, he’d been unfaithful/had a porn addiction too so the resentment of that had built up over the years). I felt completely trapped and sad and when I met someone who seemed lovely and kind (everything my dh isn’t) he felt like the answer to everything.

Long story short he lovebombed me and made me think we had a future. I was all geared up to leave my dh until it then turned out AP had fed me a pack of lies and wasn’t the person I thought he was. He was married too but led me to believe his marriage was over and they were just friends. Then she actually found out and the shit hit the fan - turns out he didn’t want to leave her at all but just wanted to have extra-marital sex!

For him I think it was definitely for the dopamine hit. He seemed quite preoccupied with status and like a lot of narcs he wanted something that made him look/feel good. He took me out with his colleagues and I think liked showing me off as his big on the side. He was into mountain climbing etc and talked about other risky behaviours he took part in (I don’t know if this was a pack of lies though).

He was doing it for the thrill I think. Also wouldn’t be surprised if he’s done it before and is confident his wife will take him back. For me I really was just desperately unhappy/depressed and it felt like a way to escape.

I wouldn't cheat anyway but I have ADHD and I think I would find cheating to be extremely stressful and even more so because of ADHD.

I do agree that a lot do it for the dopamine hit, I think problem drinkers etc are often like this because their dopamine levels tend to be low.

But after saying that then I think there is a lot more to it than chasing dopamine, and personality is far more important, self-centered people will be far more likely to do something like that to get a dopamine hit than others.

and i think you are just pulling things out if thin air

I have ADHD and I eat cake for my dopamine hit

I think that is probably the case for many.

"thrill seeking" can take many forms. I know I will probably die trying to pet a bobcat, but I was never inclined to cheat!

The dopamine is produced when we do something we enjoy - so while ADHD can make people a little self-indulgent it depends on the person what that will involve.

and before someone posts about their neurodiverse ex who cheated because he just could not help he...he could, he just enjoyed it and he didn't care.

Sorry. Really did not mean to offend. I have dc with ADHD so I know that diagnosis doesn't mean you will be a shit and that it's all negative.

It was more from a place of thinking some people have a stronger pull toward risky behaviours and domaine hits. Not that all people with adhd are crap partners. Sorry.

I have adhd, but never had an affair. But I can see why people do.

There was a Diary of a CEO podcast recently where they were talking about MBAs. Apparently they do case studies on men who chase younger colleagues, lights up the same areas of the brain as taking met amphetamines. 😁

I think it’s more closely linked to addictions.

Alcohol, drug use, gambling, affair partners, all much of a muchness really. All provide highs; All there to self medicate whatever stuff is going on deep down. It’s amazing the similarities between an addicted person and one in an affair.

This is why I truly believe that it’s often nothing to do with the relationship or the betrayed. It’s to do with the inner struggles of the cheat. And why the VAST majority will cheat again in a subsequent relationship.

No excuse though, all this stuff just passes pain on to unknowing betrayed’s.

I think this can be very true. However, it doesn't explain every case and not everyone who cheats is always a cheater.

My exh cheated but the marriage was just a friendship and certainly was by then and probably not a very healthy one.

He had an affair, married the OW 10 years on and there is no part of me that thinks he would.ever cheat on her. He wasn't a cheat, he was just a man who fell in love and didn't handle it very well!

That's very different to serial cheating, sexting random women, cam girls and the like though.

I was relating my thoughts to the original post around dopamine hits.

I know there are plenty of excuses for affairs.

TBH though I’ve followed many stories after it happened to me and the thing I’ve learnt is there is a profound difference in the reasons for men to have affairs as opposed to women.

In general women ‘tend’ towards exit affairs to leave unhappy marriages, men tend towards ‘cake eating’ affairs.

I see your husband was different, of course there are men who exit and fall in love but ime MANY are kicked out by the wife and start begging to come back. MN generally dismiss this as ‘not wanting to lose the financial benefits/advantages of marriage’ as if the wife has no personality of her own, no clear advantages herself that the cheat might genuinely see and not want to lose but I don’t see it like that. I think many men realise that they do ‘love’ their wives when the dopamine hits and highs aren’t quite as strong. Whether their type of love is valuable is another matter.

This is why I think it’s quite possible for cake eating cheats to have a huge turn around in behaviour on discovery. The trouble is that unless they dig deep, the faults that were there, will still be there and they remain an unsafe partner. The data for cheating again whoever you end up with does back that up. Cheats are 3-4 times more likely to cheat in a subsequent relationship than someone who has not cheated.

I'm not sure that I agree that it's an ADHD thing - but the dopamine - yes.

I heard something on Radio 4 Woman's Hour about older men will early onset dementia getting into Ashley Madison type stuff because of the frontal lobe being compromised. Was interesting.

I think that cheating can be an addictive behaviour; but like any addiction- ultimately you do have the power to stop. Especially when it destroys the people you claim to love:

I think there are countless reasons. Ego boost, something missing in the marriage that the AP provides, greed, meeting the person right for you after you got married to someone who wasn't, sense of only being here once, getting too close to a 'friend' and falling for them, poor impulse control, lack of care for others. I imagine some people find the sneaking about exciting, but probably far fewer than those who simply find their AP too exciting to resist.

It's not an ADHD thing, as a PP says it's a personality thing. But, everyone had different personality traits. And, statistically, individuals with ADHD tend to have some traits which makes cheating more likely. Like being less likely to risk assess. That's not to say though that NT people don't have these traits also, they absolutely do. So whilst OP isn't totally correct, neither is she wrong.

Ultimately there are multiple reasons a person cheats and the cheating can take many forms.