Affairs for the dopamine hit

[chuggachug]

I think many people have affairs for the dopamine hit. Like over eating, compulsive shopping, sugar addiction and risky behaviours I think people with a craving for a dopamine hit like people with ADHD might be more prone to cheating.

So here’s my situation:

been together for 11years, we have a 1.5y old and I’m 6months pregnant. all of these happened in the last two years always involving the same person

situation 1: both really drunk and she took her top off and started kissing him and undressing him and he stopped and walked away

situation 2: she sent him pics of her naked self and he started sending them back…

situation 3: same as 2

situation 4: she asked him for a friends cuddle, he did and she put his hand on her boobs, and then moved it in her pants…he gave a quick handjob…as soon as she touched him back he stopped got up and walked away

situation 5: same as 2

so his explanation of the online stuff was that it was not personal and he was just after that dopamine hit

in person 1 he said he got carried away at first due to being so drunk but he realised what was going on and didn’t want to

in person 2 (this bothers me the most) he said it was again for the dopamine hit but also for his ego boost of being able to get her off…but he says once she touched him he didn’t want her to as he realised it was wrong…

he suffers with ADHD and struggles with addiction… about 5 years back he had issues with gambling which we worked on together and until around the time of the last online sex he’s not gambled…

but he’s got major issues with alcohol…

so for over a month he’s really been working on himself - being a better husband/father and not drinking excessively - getting plenty of rest etc life’s been good

but she threatened to tell me so he decided I should hear it from him…he said our last argument was what sort of made him realise how bad he’s doing and he’s started working on himself and he hoped to never tell me about this and keep feeling guilty in silence

he’s been very remorseful and is giving me all the space I need, he suggested marriage counselling and when I said he needs to get therapy for himself he immediately agreed and has booked himself on it

so… here’s my question in regards to cheating for dopamine hit…is it possible to “treat” the behaviours? Or am I just naive? Should I just pack myself and our kid and go?

Never, ever let these issues be excuse for something which as a deliberate choice.There is no ‘treatment’ for infidelity, it’s a personal choice.He needs to think about what he did and why he gave himself permission, without blaming anything or anyone except himself, and find his behaviour so abhorrent that he would never, ever wish to do this again.
Don’t let him abdicate his responsibility for what he did to ADHD/ addiction/ alcohol and then get treatment and abdicate the much needed change in his behaviour to somebody else to ‘cure’ him.
Only he can do that. If he’s engaging with everything that brings him to that point then ok, you might see that as him trying to sort his issues. However, his problems around ADHD and addiction are actually a side issue, he chose to do these things knowing it was wrong.
Nothing and nobody is responsible for scenarios 1-5 except him. If he’s saying he can be ‘cured’ or ‘treated’ out of his infidelity choices, then he’s saying his issues are responsible and not him. I disagree.
Sure, you can treat and cure his issues, or at least teach him how to manage them effectively, but those issues have nothing to do with his infidelity. Nothing.
Treating his side issues will help him and you massively, absolutely, but they are not automatic cast iron excuses or proven pre-indicators of infidelity. A personal decision to cheat is.