Affairs for the dopamine hit

[chuggachug]

I think many people have affairs for the dopamine hit. Like over eating, compulsive shopping, sugar addiction and risky behaviours I think people with a craving for a dopamine hit like people with ADHD might be more prone to cheating.

There’s no doubt that you get a dopamine hit from somebody finding you attractive, or you finding somebody attractive and it’s reciprocated.
I think there’s an absolute chasm between that and having an affair, however. Affairs are the culmination of a lot of deliberate decisions. There’s fear, shame and guilt along that road which even dopamine can’t quite kill.
In affairs there’s no doubt that the dopamine hits strengthen the addiction and heighten the experience. Do people do it just for the dopamine hit though? Is it a reason to have affairs? I doubt it. Many boundaries have to be crossed before the dopamine hit of a bit if a flirt becomes an affair.
I think you have to have a pretty big void inside you to be filled, if you think it’s worth compromising your original values (nobody sets out in life or a committed relationship to be a cheat) rather than looking within yourself, just for a dopamine high that you know will hurt those you love and turn your life into a shitshow if anybody finds out. The dopamine highs are also dogged by guilt and a feeling of not liking yourself very much, so more must be at play here.
I know someone who used to have what they called ‘flings’ and maintained that it was just for the excitement and the high, and “it was something just for me”. All fibs they were telling themselves. Their spouse had an affair years earlier and they were doing this partly for revenge but also to fill the gnawing feeling that they weren’t good enough, weren’t sexy enough, we’re rejected and others preferred. The dopamine filled that gaping hole in their soul and it was their drug of choice, but not the reason for reaching for that drug in the first place.
Affairs are about escape (exit affairs or personal reinvention) and are more about people who have difficult issues to face that they’d rather not. Because of fear, cowardice and selfishness, they desperately want to avoid the pain of the conflict of dealing with those issues no matter who gets hurt in the process. Dopamine is a temporary solution to dull the fear/ pain of the bigger picture they’d rather not look at.
Yes, they’re looking for dopamine, but the reasons for the looking are what is the motivating factor for affairs.

I watch quite a bit of Huberman on YouTube. He talks about dopamine a lot. Think, and my menopausal brain may have remembered this poorly, dopamine is related to motivation, so if you have issues, the extra hit of dopamine might be the extra factor to start the affair or gamble or whatever.

From The National Institute of Drig Abuse:
“The feeling of pleasure is how a healthy brain identifies and reinforces beneficial behaviors, such as eating, socializing, and sex. Our brains are wired to increase the odds that we will repeat pleasurable activities. The neurotransmitter dopamine is central to this. Whenever the reward circuit is activated by a healthy,
pleasurable experience, a burst of dopamine signals that something important is happening that needs to be remembered. This dopamine signal causes changes in neural connectivity that make it easier to repeat the activity again and again without thinking about it, leading to the formation of habits.
Just as drugs produce intense euphoria, they also produce much larger surges of dopamine, powerfully reinforcing the connection between consumption of the drug, the resulting pleasure, and all the external cues linked to the experience. Large surges of dopamine “teach” the brain to seek drugs at the expense of other, healthier goals and activities.”

This website is about actual literal drug abuse, but relates to how we become addicted to anything really, drugs, sex, gambling, alcohol, food…. anything that gives us a dopamine high.

Definitely countless reasons for an affair. My wife had a virtual sexting affair with a celebrity. She wasn't particularly 'looking' for it. I think we were a bit disconnected and she was a bit bored and looking for distraction on Instagram. He approached, she was flattered and hey presto.

In the end I found out, she admitted it, after a few stormy days, I decided to make the marriage open to save it and so far it seems to be working. We reconnected. I initially wasn't interested in finding a secondary partner but now I'm warming to it. She wants to make her sexting affair physical, but he might be a fake. But underlying all that we still love each other as primary partners.

Well yes, people have sex for a dopamine hit.

In other news, people eat because they are hungry. I also heard that the reason why people sleep is because they are tired.

Interesting and helpful replies. I need to do more reading.

Sounds like she’s being catfished.

Has he asked for money yet? There’s a romance scam thread going atm - get her to have a read of it.

That's not the only reason people have sex.

Sometimes people eat because they are hungry but other times they are eating for the dopamine hit.

People sleep because they are tired, but there are other reasons also.

I don’t think it’s an ADHD thing - just a shit person thing.
You have to be a horrible individual to have an affair.

Too many variables for it just to be one thing such as a dopamine hit.

It is one part of an affair, other parts woud be an individual with a lack of concience, a low bar for morality, ignorance, lack of empathy, a streak of cruelty, a self entitled nature, selfishness, lack of control, inflated ego, low self esteem, competitiveness, need for exitement, many things that make the mark of a cheater who they are.

Plus many more.

Are you asking as a medical reason for being unfaithful ?

Yep. It’s constant.

Yea i agree @chuggachug

If someone wants to sleep around and cheat

Why not just be with someone who is into open relationships or and swinging then instead ?

Least everything is upfront and everyone knows where they stand in theory ect

@Namechange666

I think 🤔 it can be a mix of both someone can be an Arsehole or married to one or going through emotionally difficult time fot whatever reason and someone can be vunerable like that but doesn't realise they are ,
looking for validation in the wrong places emotionally cause of fucked up dysfunctional childhood background too...

and also dop fix thing too.

There is definitely a buzz when you first hook up with someone or start falling in love and if you are loyal you sadly never get to feel that again, isn’t that a sad thing? I don’t think people should cheat though as that sort of buzz can be obtained other ways like sky diving or rollercoasters or vaping

This is an interesting question. I think there are a variety of reasons - and dopamine is just one aspect.

I know the common refrain on here is 'once a cheater, always a cheater' etc, I'm not sure that's always the case.

I know a few people who are in successful long-term relationships after an affair. Many years ago, my dad left my mum after a brief affair. Although it caused turmoil and upset at the time, mum admitted herself they probably should never have been married. She entered the marriage with so much historical trauma that my dad couldn't fix. Although I think they loved each other at the time, they were young, and they couldn't meet each other's needs in the relationship. My dad has subsequently been in a committed relationship for around 20 years now - longer that with my mum. They are good together, and his LP, who is great, credits my father for breaking her history of picking terrible partners.

Another male friend was is a long term relationship with an utterly toxic partner. He ended up (after many unhappy years) having an affair with a woman in our wider friendship group. Most of us had no idea, but it was clearly an exit affair. He is now married to her and very committed. I never got the impression he was some sort of serial cheat.

I know this isn't always the case - there are plenty of a-holes out there, and if you've had your world torn apart by one of those it must be terrible. But there are plenty of people out there who have an affair because they are deeply unhappy, and then once this unhappiness is resolved, they don't necessarily go searching for that excitement again - whether for dopmanine or anything else.

Lots of truth on this post from @Southener

I agree - it's an incredible buzz.

What I don't understand is people who crave and chase that buzz - yet still choose to get married. Do the lying and deceitfulness of cheating add to their pleasure/hit?

Something about cake and eating it, I imagine. There are lots of good feelings about being married as well. Practically speaking it would probably make more sense if marriages were time limited for 10 years or something and you had to renew them!

I too, am truly sick of seeing on MN the very quick suggestion that someone being an utter arsehole must be ND.

It’s so insulting. There’s so much more to it then what MNetters seem to believe or have the impression of.

@DonnaBanana There is definitely a buzz when you first hook up with someone or start falling in love and if you are loyal you sadly never get to feel that again, isn’t that a sad thing?

If I was in a relationship, I wouldn't see that as a sad thing. Yes, you won't have the buzz of meeting someone new, but you also won't have the negativity of having to wade through dozens and dozens of people who reject or ghost- and I am sure the negativity of the latter greatly outweighs the buzz of the former.

I don’t think people should cheat though as that sort of buzz can be obtained other ways like sky diving or rollercoasters or vaping

Skydiving- expensive, significant risk of death.
Rollercoasters- expensive, generally a long drive or flight away for most people.
Vaping- unhealthy.

I think there are two types of cheats. The ones who go after the buzz and enjoy the covert experience & are motivated mostly by ego/character vulnerability. This category of cheater is likely to be a repeat offender.

Secondly you have the cheaters who genuinely fall in love with someone outside of their marriage. I know two colleagues who this happened to. They divorced and married their AP’s and have been happy ever since.

They couldn’t be further apart to be honest. The ego-driven cheaters in category 1 are in love with no-one other than themselves. They are thinking of themselves all through the process - making excuses for their actions and justifying it someone to themselves. They are not victims of circumstance but architects of their own destruction and the destruction of their marriages.

Cheaters in category 2 are victims of unfortunate circumstance to some degree. I personally believe it is entirely possible to love more than one person at once - but most people have he strength to display loyalty under testing times.

True. I travel to far flung, exotic places full of danger and novelty for my ADHD dopamine hit. Maybe if my budget and life experiences didn't allow that, I'd be shagging Gavin round the back of the chippy for thrills.

But I doubt it.

I don’t think any ‘type’ of cheat being a victim of anything their spouse does justifies their choice to cheat. Victims still have other options. Nothing justifies being a cheat. Cheating abuses others. Reducing cheats to two categories suggests that cheats who fall in love are somehow justified or more noble than others who don’t fall in love. Falling in love doesn’t entitle you to lie to, use and dupe another person. I doubt those cheated on by partners who truly fell in love with somebody else, but neglected to tell them they were sleeping with this person whilst their spouse took care of the kids ever said “Oh, that’s ok then. I really don’t mind that you lied to me and used me whilst you got your new relationship and running. You fell in love! That’s a perfectly good reason to gaslight me and remove my agency in our relationship.”
Reasons for cheating are a murky, grey, multi-faceted area indeed. Whether or not cheating is ever justified, or right or wrong, is refreshingly black and white.

The people I've known and leave their marriages and go on to have a lasting relationship have been people who have found a more subserviant love, well one of the parties is.

Usually one is punching above and the other is put on a pedestal, that to many is what real love looks like. Past partners are not always abusive, though many state they are, many were just a more equal union, and for many that doesn't suit.

Let's stir it up a bit.

Yes. Let them enjoy their dopamine. Apparently when it’s all out in the open it’s not so exciting anymore. Ah well. Hope H and OW enjoy their accomplishment of breaking up the family.