To hand my daughter over to my ex?

[subscribed]

Dd is 5.

She has not spent any quality time with her dad since 21st January. Ex has chosen not to see her for various reasons, one being he has been mentally unwell.

He has been very abusive towards me and since we separated 6 months ago, the abuse has become worse.

Ex is back again and wants to see dd however I feel very uncomfortable just hading her over to him. Equally I don't think she would be harmed in anyway. He claims he is in a better place now.

He is extremely difficult to talk too so I know if I don't agree, I'll get more abuse off him however. He can only contact me via email as he is blocked on everything else.

Annoyingly, dd seems to be doing better without her dad. The constant questions of when is she going to see him again have stopped and she seems to be doing ok now. I do know she wants to see him again though.

What would you do?

I would offer supervised contact. Either something in the community with a trusted third party but it might be too much for them. Definitely don't do it yourself. Or a contact centre. Make sure it's a supervised one although they are quite expensive. The way to get one is through going on the national contact centre website and doing a local search. You need to find one that takes self referrals

@Peaceandquietandacuppa yep

So obviously posted by a man.

Let him see her with you present. I wouldn't allow him to take her on her own.

They don’t just disintegrate if he does something wrong

Rather depends on what the something is.

Email him back politely saying due to the nature of previous contact you think it is best that he goes through the courts as much for his sake as DD's. That you are wary of non court ordered contact because your DD has finally settled and she needs something set in stone. Not contact that he can withdraw at any moment.
Just put it to him like it would be as much for his benefit as your DD's.
Edited to say go through your solicitor if you don't speak with him directly.

Please ignore this terrible advice OP and go to court.

I've spoken to the lady at the dv charity.

She advised me to start with FaceTimes and gradually build up the contact from there but only if he can be civil and non abusive towards me.

She basically saying he needs to realise that he has to respect my boundaries if he wants to see dd.

Not sure how I feel about this really.

There was no mention of a contact centre etc and I am unlikely to get any further help from social services because dd is well cared for by me and there are no safe guarding issues.

No, I'd not do this.

Any mention of court is likely to put his back up.

With all due respect @PaminaMozart anything the OP does will put his back up. Unless it's handing over her DD when he demands. What do you think she should do?

The dv lady has made me think about things.

She says he's clearly more interested in me and making my life difficult over being in dds life.

She told me as my ex has shown periods where he can be non abusive, I need to set out clear instructions and boundaries of when he can see dd.

This will start with FaceTimes and move on to short visits and then turning into as it was before - 1 day every other weekend.

I need to keep him blocked on my phone and use our old tablet to set up an account for dd to FaceTime - ex might not like this as he will still be blocked on my phone but ultimately that makes me feel better and safer and I am not restricting FaceTimes.

She told me too give him dates and times of contact in the email.

She also told me to say that this contact can only go ahead if communication is civil and that I am following advice given from others involved.

Ultimately how he responds is up to him. If he is desperate to see dd then he would comply. If he's abusive etc then nothing will come it and I'll ignore him completely. He can go through other channels for contact.

I'm going to think about it though. This makes me very uncomfortable. I have therapy tomorrow so I'll go through it all with her. My therapist has been with me all the way through this so she is good to talk too - she knows everything.

Haven’t read everything but if he’s abusive and claims his 9 year olds caused his mental health issues, CAFCASS need to conduct a risk assessment to see if he’s fit to be around children unsupervised.

Nothing else to add, other than he’s currently toy a safeguarding risk to you and his children.

I hope you manage to stay relatively sane as you navigate this mess he’s made.

Just seen you last post, you need legal advice OP, and I say that with kindness without trying to diminish your DV support worker and therapist.

Your DV advocate can put you in touch with solicitors, it’s part of their service offering.

I've just read your thread as you've been linked from another thread below...even if it's not your ex the type of bloke is depressingly familiar....

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5045943-to-be-wary-of-my-sisters-boyfriend-lets-call-him-alan?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I wouldnt let him anywhere near my daughter. Let him take you to court. An abusive addict who has abandoned his first child? Its a hard no from me.

@subscribed I think you are the ex wife in the thread linked above.

@tesitwist I think you two need to PM each other.

The details in both your posts make me convinced that this is regarding the same man.

All the best to you all.