To hand my daughter over to my ex?

subscribed · 2024-03-24T18:49:58+00:00

Dd is 5. She has not spent any quality time with her dad since 21st January. Ex has chosen not to see her for various reasons, one being he has been mentally unwell. He has been very abusive towards me and since we separated 6 months ago, the abuse has become worse. Ex is back again and wants to see dd however I feel very uncomfortable just hading her over to him. Equally I don't think she would be harmed in anyway. He claims he is in a better place now. He is extremely difficult to talk too so I know if I don't agree, I'll get more abuse off him however. He can only contact me via email as he is blocked on everything else. Annoyingly, dd seems to be doing better without her dad. The constant questions of when is she going to see him again have stopped and she seems to be doing ok now. I do know she wants to see him again though. What would you do?

Pumpkinpie1 · 24/03/2024 20:51

If he has mental health issues , is abusive I would tell him he needs to apply for access through the courts .
Your Childs safety is paramount, and having an abusive dad puts her at risk.

GingerIsBest · 24/03/2024 20:52

Is he demanding a lot of contact or are we talking about a trip to the park and a McDonalds? I think if it's the former - he wants to take her for a week or something - then you're within your rights to say that to go from nothing to that level of contact is not likely to be a good idea. But agreeing to a short visit/activity with the goal of building it up if he's reliable etc, is reasonable.

Of course, reading between the lines, I assume he's NOT reasonable and that you don't think that he'll be reliable and consistent. And that is always a very challenging situation.

LiterallyOnFire · 24/03/2024 20:54

I wouldn't hand a five year old to an abusive man, especially not with a recent MH episode severe enough to interrupt contact. No way. You said yourself she's doing better without contact. Let him go to court.

Wingslikeabird · 24/03/2024 21:06

If he is claiming to have been so mentally unwell he was unable to see his child (or indeed if you know this is true) then he will need to prove that he is a safe person to look after her now. He can do this by applying for contact through the courts.

If I were you I would write a diary of everything you can remember and evidence anything you can about the abuse (have you had contact with police, social services, counselling, domestic violence charities, school, your GP?) and also about his mental health problems (do you have written information from him, texts?). I would speak with Women's Aid and ask for their advice on finding a local solicitor experienced with abusive men.

Autienotnaughtie · 24/03/2024 21:08

I wouldn't. I would tell him to go to court

ColourMeBlue · 24/03/2024 21:11

I am going back over 20 years ago,when me and my ex partner split up.He took me to court for access.He had mental health problems too.The courts did a assessment for my ex,and it was determined my child would be at medium harm if he had unsupervised access.He was offered supervised access but never took it.

Winnipeggy · 24/03/2024 21:12

I can't imagine handing her over no. He can go to court if he is so determined.

Original poster

subscribed · 24/03/2024 21:25

His mental health issues were caused by his older child (aged 9) who wants nothing more to do with my ex. My ex says he couldn't cope with it and that meant he couldn't see dd. Ex hasn't seen his other child for 7 months now. Ex says he has 'washed his hands now' with his other child and is ready to see dd again.

At the end of our relationship be emotionally abused me massively but blamed it all on his anxiety. He put me in a really bad place. He's also a gambling addict. He would also threaten suicide a lot - once when dd was in the next room though she didn't hear anything. He refused to leave my house at this point. He told me 'I would have his death on my hands'.

I have spoken to the police a few times but never made a formal complaint. Social services have called me a couple of times and I have a phone call with my local domestic abuse charity tomorrow who have been helping me.

OP posts:

MiltonNorthern · 24/03/2024 21:27

His mental health issues were caused by his older child (aged 9) who wants nothing more to do with my ex

what? No they were not!

Original poster

subscribed · 24/03/2024 21:29

MiltonNorthern · 24/03/2024 21:27

His mental health issues were caused by his older child (aged 9) who wants nothing more to do with my ex

what? No they were not!

I know this.

He said it gave him anxiety - the fact his other child doesn't want to see him anymore. Apparently he's been texting the child and the mother but getting no response so this put him in a bad place.

However he's now 'washed his hands' of that child and can now see dd again.

OP posts:

BirthdayRainbow · 24/03/2024 21:30

No way can you let your daughter spend time with her father who can wash his hands of another one of his children!! When she doesn't behave he'll wash his hands of her too.

BirthdayRainbow · 24/03/2024 21:31

My STBEH has no time for my kids now because of how they are making him feel! They are reacting to his appalling treatment of me and their siblings.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/03/2024 21:32

Yeah, literally no chance in hell I’d be letting him see her. He can go to court for a CAO. No to mediation if he suggests that as an alternative, not safe with an unstable abuser.

TheIceQween · 24/03/2024 21:33

Drip her in gradually. You could start by agreeing for him to take her to the park or a meal, then come home soon after. Then as time goes on, extend the amount of time he has her.
Work up slowly and if he proves he can look after her then you could talk about overnight stays etc;

I think it’s important for baby to see her dad and I think if you denied that, it could possibly turn into resentment for you. A difficult situation but as her mum, you know her best. 💕

MiltonNorthern · 24/03/2024 21:35

subscribed · 24/03/2024 21:29

I know this.

He said it gave him anxiety - the fact his other child doesn't want to see him anymore. Apparently he's been texting the child and the mother but getting no response so this put him in a bad place.

However he's now 'washed his hands' of that child and can now see dd again.

Show quote history

So he's inconsistent and emotionally abusive to both his children. Don't agree any contact.

Mummame2222 · 24/03/2024 21:36

GingerIsBest · 24/03/2024 20:52

Is he demanding a lot of contact or are we talking about a trip to the park and a McDonalds? I think if it's the former - he wants to take her for a week or something - then you're within your rights to say that to go from nothing to that level of contact is not likely to be a good idea. But agreeing to a short visit/activity with the goal of building it up if he's reliable etc, is reasonable.

Of course, reading between the lines, I assume he's NOT reasonable and that you don't think that he'll be reliable and consistent. And that is always a very challenging situation.

But he’s not reliable, he’s proven that. Random visits throughout DDs life are very unreasonable.

Mummame2222 · 24/03/2024 21:36

TheIceQween · 24/03/2024 21:33

Drip her in gradually. You could start by agreeing for him to take her to the park or a meal, then come home soon after. Then as time goes on, extend the amount of time he has her.
Work up slowly and if he proves he can look after her then you could talk about overnight stays etc;

I think it’s important for baby to see her dad and I think if you denied that, it could possibly turn into resentment for you. A difficult situation but as her mum, you know her best. 💕

🙄

Panpastels · 24/03/2024 21:38

Let him take you to court, I wouldn't allow access unless I had to in your circumstances.

TheIceQween · 24/03/2024 21:39

@Mummame2222 You good?

UghFletcher · 24/03/2024 21:39

He can take you to court for access. If he has 'washed his hands' of his other child I can guarantee you he won't bother going through court for yours.

Your lookout is your child. Sending her to an emotionally unstable abusive parent is not in their best interests.

freefeeling · 24/03/2024 21:41

No. Let him apply to court. She is 5

Original poster

subscribed · 24/03/2024 21:41

TheIceQween · 24/03/2024 21:33

Drip her in gradually. You could start by agreeing for him to take her to the park or a meal, then come home soon after. Then as time goes on, extend the amount of time he has her.
Work up slowly and if he proves he can look after her then you could talk about overnight stays etc;

I think it’s important for baby to see her dad and I think if you denied that, it could possibly turn into resentment for you. A difficult situation but as her mum, you know her best. 💕

He doesn't want over night contact - he's already made this clear. He moved straight on after me into his new girlfriend's house and I don't think they have room.

Another thing - he introduced ds to his new girlfriend straight away after not seeing her for 6 weeks. It left dd massively confused - she had his new girlfriend and her kids pushed onto her. She doesn't even know their names so just called them 'the mummy' and 'the girls'.

I had told him when he told me he was suffering with this mental health that he would only be getting gradual contact with dd should he ever return however I know full well this will make him a angry. He just expects me to hand her over.

I have not seen him physically since October last year when I called the police after the suicide threat. It's all just a bit scary. My mum was acting as a 3rd party.

OP posts:

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 24/03/2024 21:44

TheIceQween · 24/03/2024 21:33

Drip her in gradually. You could start by agreeing for him to take her to the park or a meal, then come home soon after. Then as time goes on, extend the amount of time he has her.
Work up slowly and if he proves he can look after her then you could talk about overnight stays etc;

I think it’s important for baby to see her dad and I think if you denied that, it could possibly turn into resentment for you. A difficult situation but as her mum, you know her best. 💕

Have you not read that he is abusive? I think she should let the professionals decide on the level of contact - possibly with supervision as he doesn’t sound very safe. I think that’s why the other poster 🙄 at your simplistic comment. It’s not as simple as ‘let your baby see their dad’ when they are abusive and have MH issues.

He’s blamed a 9 year old child for his issues too which is severely unhealthy. How can a young child be to blame for an adult’s issues.

TickingKey46 · 24/03/2024 21:44

I think if you have doubts then refuse and allow him to take you to court. Your daughter also hasn't seen him for 6 months which is a long time for a child so young, maybe best to start in a contact centre.

TheIceQween · 24/03/2024 21:46

@subscribed such a difficult position you’re in. He’s guilt tripping you by saying “you’ll have blood on your hands”
The point I’m trying to make is that, he’s just as much a parent as you and if you don’t give it a shot, you’ll never know.
I really do feel for you x