Should I stop dating him or am I overreacting?

[Tcbay52]

I've been seeing this guy from an app for over a month now and so far things have been heading towards the right direction. We have mutual interests and passions, and some future plans related to them. I really like him and I've never clicked with anyone as much before. He mentioned he would like a long-term relationship. I'd already told him I'm not interested in short term flings and we continue to go on dates. I also visited him once but there was no sex since I told him what my view on that is. I prefer to have sex no earlier than 7 dates or so.


However, on our date yesterday I got caught off guard. We started talking about sex-related stuff as he brought up that topic. He mentioned that he would be open to having a threesome. I'm completely against it and I just cannot imagine it (I would be very jealous) and I told him I'm opposed to this kind of 'fun'. I know that if he doesn't pressure me it should be okay but I still feel somewhat offended at the mere statement. It hurts me. It makes me question if he's really as into me as I think he is for an exclusive relationship.. If he was, he wouldn't suggest something like this knowing it could make me mad, would he? I thought we had a connection..


I know that he's allowed to fantasize about other women and I also have fantasies about other men but I would never mention bringing a second guy to the bedroom to a potential boyfriend as I'd be worried about his possibly bad reaction. My logic would be that I'm with him, I love him so I won't ever express a desire to spice things up because he's enough for me. Is this a sign of disrespect or a sign he's not taking me seriously? Is it a good reason to stop seeing him or am I being too harsh?

[4LittlePaws]

Sounds like you're potentially incompatible.

I wouldn't be with anyone that would bring a 3rd person into our bedroom.

If they want sexual contact with anyone but me then that's the relationship over.

[RainbowZebraWarrior]

From personal experience, if a guy starts mentioning threesomes this early, he's likely to be the sort that goes on about it a lot / pesters you.

I could be wrong, but that's been my experience via online dating. It seemed to come up an awful lot with men.

You could persevere with it, but make sure your boundaries are firmly set.

[4LittlePaws]

Or send him:

'hey, regarding our conversation yesterday, you said you'd be up for a threesome. This is something I'm just not interested in, now or in the future. I'm looking for a long term, monogamous relationship and was under the impression you were too. If I'm mistaken I think it's best we talk about it now before things progress any further. '

[Tel12]

Well he was up front, which is really odd so early in a relationship. I'd throw him back without a second thought.

[ThisAngelWearsPrada]

Without the context in which it was raised, it’s hard to judge. For example, were you talking about fantasies? Or a sex bucket list? Or expectations in a relationship?

[SamW98]

So before you’ve had sex with him he’s already dropping threesomes into the conversation?

Hes already testing your boundaries OP - I’d say you’re not going to be compatible and I wouldn’t waste any more time on this one.

[NotQuiteNorma]

Context. What 'sex related stuff' were you actually talking about when he said it?

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

Would he be happy with a thrresome with two men?!

I think many men would accept an offer of a thrresome with two women as an experience to try.

I think you are too caught up on this 'I only want long term relationship not short term' dating is about trying people out as seeing if you're compatible and after 4 months or so you might well realise your not - I don't think either of you should be made to feel bad that it was short term not long term. Youre putting too much pressure on yourself and him.

I would focus instead on connecting more emotionally intimately- sharing your values, ideal future - have you seen that 30 questions to fall in love? That will help you both know if you are willing to TRY for a LTR with each other but you can't commit to that yet.

If you would feel horribly used if you slept with him and then you broke up three weeks later (and people are allowed to break up) then delay the sex happening while reassuring him you do fancy him
You just need a bit more time.

[Tcbay52]

@ThisAngelWearsPrada

Without the context in which it was raised, it’s hard to judge. For example, were you talking about fantasies? Or a sex bucket list? Or expectations in a relationship?

He asked me if I have any sex-related preferences.

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

@4LittlePaws

Or send him:

'hey, regarding our conversation yesterday, you said you'd be up for a threesome. This is something I'm just not interested in, now or in the future. I'm looking for a long term, monogamous relationship and was under the impression you were too. If I'm mistaken I think it's best we talk about it now before things progress any further. '

I agree but I would have this as a verbal conversation not a text, it's more mature

[Letsbepractical]

100% boundary testing

[Pinkdelight3]

He's seeding it now because that's what he wants. It's only been a month, it's useful to know you're not compatible. Chuck him back and move on. Did you mention the 7 dates thing to him btw? Best not to as it's easy enough for him to hold out till then, doing whatever it takes, and then be as crap as he could've been if you'd slept with him on date 1. It's lucky in a way that he's let slip his incompatibility at this stage and saved you more heartache later.

Oh and I agree with PP, they never mean a 2M 1F threesome, do they? Always good respond assuming they mean a threesome with another guy and see the look on their face.

[Pinkdelight3]

I agree but I would have this as a verbal conversation not a text, it's more mature

I wouldn't be arsed about looking mature at this point. Better to cut it off by text and not waste more time when the signals are this strong. The verbal conversation would be more likely to go 'oh no you misunderstood me, it was just a joke' and then months down the line she realises he's a sleaze after all.

[Mabelface]

Simplifying this, he's said something you're uncomfortable with and you now have doubts about him. Listen to them. He's not for you.

[Catlord]

To be perfectly honest, if he's brought up fantasy sexual preferences before sex is really even on the table and then thrown out threesomes, i would take away a 'not serious, sex is a priority' vibe.

I've dated a lot and a lot of men think they are ready to settle down but the panopoly of women that they think OLD opens up for them revives their inner sex mad teenage boy and they become time wasters. They don't lie exactly, they want the serious stuff long term but sex is the big current distraction.

It's a shame if you meet someone at this point but I don't think someone with current serious intentions would be bringing up group sex on early dates a propos of very little.

That's not to say a lot of men (or women) wouldn't be intrigued by the idea, either to do for real or to fantasise about. Fine. But there's a time and a place to talk about fantasies involving unspecified others and early dates with someone who likes to wait a while before sex isn't it. If someone isn't able to distinguish that kind of judgement then I have never known them to be past the 'dog with two dicks' stage of OLD, when push comes to shove.

By all means have the conversation as above . I'm not saying never speak to him again, just that this kind of thing is quite telling. Just keep a lid on your feelings and expectations of you do proceed.

[MrsDoubtfire24]

Throw this one back.

[samestyle]

He's already said one isn't enough before it's started, it's a non starter.
Unfortunately OLD attracts men trying to fulfill their sexual fantasies and don't take any notice or care that you're there to find a serious partner. The moment they reveal their fantasies that don't aline with yours, just Chuck em back.

[Bobbotgegrinch]

I don't see anything wrong with having the conversation to be honest.

DP wouldn't be up for a threesome, I would. We had a conversation about it early in the relationship while talking about other sex related stuff. As a result of that conversation I know she wouldn't be interested so haven't brought it up again in 17 years. Better to get it out of the way early than when you've been married 5 years.

[Dillydollydingdong]

My reaction would be, "Oh yes, I know a man I've always fancied. He might be up for it". Obviously you wouldn't be serious, just saying it to test his reaction. But seriously, no. You haven't even had sex yet and he's bringing this up!?

[Shiningout]

Unfortunately, porn and dating/hook up apps have normalised group sex etc and now everyone seems to do them or want to do them. I think it's sad a lot of people can't just be happy In a normal monogamous relationship anymore tbh. At this stage he should be all about you and excited to get to know you, not already mentioning fucking someone else

[Janehasamane]

I’m not sure, he never said he wanted the op to have one, they were having a general convo. Not sure there are many blokes who don’t fancy a threesome. His issue was being honest.

[beatrix1234]

He likes you, but he’s “dipping his toe in the water” to see how kinky open minded/judgemental you are. He may have had a less vainilla relationship with his past partners and he’s trying to figure out where “you stand” on the sex arena and what to expect if you guys got into a relationship. Judging by your answer I believe he already knows. Nothing wrong with liking threesomes (I do) and nothing wrong with not liking them, sounds like the poor guy is just trying to dip his toe in the water and you just threw him a bucket full of ice 🤣😂🤣

[TheSnowyOwl]

Regardless of his long term intentions or actions, you’ve shown by the reaction to his comment that you aren’t compatible so move on before getting further invested.

[fluffycloudalert]

Throw this one back, just for being so utterly crass.

[beatrix1234]

Personally if a guy who I haven’t slept with started mentioning threesomes at the beginning of the relationship it would make me run in the opposite direction, unless of course I was a seasoned swinger (which Im not) and looking for the same.