Should I stop dating him or am I overreacting?

[Tcbay52]

I've been seeing this guy from an app for over a month now and so far things have been heading towards the right direction. We have mutual interests and passions, and some future plans related to them. I really like him and I've never clicked with anyone as much before. He mentioned he would like a long-term relationship. I'd already told him I'm not interested in short term flings and we continue to go on dates. I also visited him once but there was no sex since I told him what my view on that is. I prefer to have sex no earlier than 7 dates or so.

However, on our date yesterday I got caught off guard. We started talking about sex-related stuff as he brought up that topic. He mentioned that he would be open to having a threesome. I'm completely against it and I just cannot imagine it (I would be very jealous) and I told him I'm opposed to this kind of 'fun'. I know that if he doesn't pressure me it should be okay but I still feel somewhat offended at the mere statement. It hurts me. It makes me question if he's really as into me as I think he is for an exclusive relationship.. If he was, he wouldn't suggest something like this knowing it could make me mad, would he? I thought we had a connection..

I know that he's allowed to fantasize about other women and I also have fantasies about other men but I would never mention bringing a second guy to the bedroom to a potential boyfriend as I'd be worried about his possibly bad reaction. My logic would be that I'm with him, I love him so I won't ever express a desire to spice things up because he's enough for me. Is this a sign of disrespect or a sign he's not taking me seriously? Is it a good reason to stop seeing him or am I being too harsh?

It’s a no. He’s letting you know he’s not particularly interested in a monogamous relationship. I’d be irritated by how twattish the question was about your sexual preferences too.

The mutual passions thing is a red herring too. I have found in the past that having a mutual passion/interest can mislead - you both may be passionate artists/musicians for eg, but that may blind you to the glaring fact that you want different things.

I'd personally find this really gross. I'm no prude and have had a colourful dating life in my youth - yet, this discussion so early on would be the first cringe. The second would be the suggestion of a threesome. It's just not my thing.

Finally, all we really need do is listen to our gut. You feel uncomfortable, you're writing on here on response to that discomfort. We're trained to doubt ourselves and ignore our instincts. I don't think this person is right for you.

Stop looking for signs. He has a preference; you don't like it. It doesn't 'mean' anything except that he has a preference.

Is it a good reason to stop seeing him or am I being too harsh

The strength of your feeling dictates this, not what some internet randoms say. My partner is vegetarian, and I'm not. That would be doom for some relationships, but fine for others. We live according to our own ideals, not ideals that have been pre-set for us, or that can be told to us by other people.

It's just not respectful to be talking about that with someone you're dating with a view to a relationship.

He's telling you he only wants fun...or worse, to string you along pretending they want more. This is how they tell you. It's boundary testing.

Run.
Sorry.

But again, context.

Out of the blue when you were talking - gross and pervy.

If the conversation was flirty and sexual in nature, then not an outrageous question.

Dump him.

I would be suspicious of someone who starts talking about threesome so early on. He is testing your boundaries.

If that type of sex is not your thing then you are not compatible and should not waste any further time with him.

He's definitely not for you. If he's willing to have this chat after a few dates then the reality would likely be a lot worse.

it's probably just a fantasy and lays will be a fantasy for many many men. Not many people ever actually go through with it.

My view people have sexual preferences and sometimes they don’t match our own, it’s not a good start and further down the line it will be an issue as it would if you had a preference that he is not willing to participate in. I think it’s healthy to discuss preferences this early on it’s a conversation I like to have before I enter a physical relationship so I know expectations and boundaries. I would definitely think about this and of course he will say it’s ok if that’s not your thing but unfortunately it’s something that could flag up again later on

Best answer. Just be direct.

it might be that he voiced out loud the most common male fantasy. It doesn’t mean that he would pester you to do it but rather that he wouldn’t say no If given the opportunity. Just be direct and ask.

@4LittlePaws Or send him:
'hey, regarding our conversation yesterday, you said you'd be up for a threesome. This is something I'm just not interested in, now or in the future. I'm looking for a long term, monogamous relationship and was under the impression you were too. If I'm mistaken I think it's best we talk about it now before things progress any further. '

This, but do make it sound kind and not judgy like you're riding the moral high horse. Nothing wrong with threesomes, they're just not for you (and there's nothing wrong with that either).

But many do. So which is he?

Ha ha. Say "yes, I'd love a threesome! Do you know any suitable guys?" and see how he reacts...

But seriously, big red flag. Total ick.

Chuck him now and be glad you haven’t shagged him or wasted anymore time.
Doubtless if he talks about a threesome it is him with two women.
If thats his thing and not yours I would leggit. Porn has made men think they have a right to their fantasies and that everything they want is normal so ordinary one on one sex without whips, bondage, peeing on you or whatever they come up with is boring and not enough anymore.
Yuck.

Exactly my thoughts. He sounds like a creep.

Well how did he react when you said you were opposed to it?

I think all the "run a mile at the merest hint of non-vanilla sex" advice is awful. Good communication is the foundation of sexual compatibility, which imo you want to discover as early as possible. Being able to talk about what you want sexually is really important.

And so is feeling that your partner respects your boundaries. In the context of talking about sex he brought up an extremely common fantasy. I see nothing wrong with that. You don't like that fantasy - nothing wrong with that either. So whether this progresses should depend on whether he backs off and doesn't bring it up again, or whether he pushes you and pressures you.

Wanting a threesome is not a red flag. Pressuring someone who doesn't want a threesome into one is very red.

Everyone has a right to their fantasies and all those things were around millennia before porn.

Wanting a threesome is not a red flag

Nothing except abuse is a red flag on its own.

How much you want a threesome, and how against it your partner is, determines whether or not it is a red flag for your partner. Not all red flags are universal. In the same way that owning a dog might be a red flag for someone, if they'd had a bad experience with dogs and were very anxious around them. For example.

He didn't really comment on that, just nodded his head. Then he mentioned another of his preferences which is 'being on the top' which gave me an ick as well. I mean, I get it but why are you telling me that when he haven't even had sex...?

I think talking about sex and expressing what you want is key to determining compatibility, personally. It's even more important if you get into a relationship to overcome to various hurdles that can have an impact on a couple's sex life. The worst partners are those who can't talk about sex and instead either expect people to telepathically know what they want, or if they're not getting it they just let the resentment fester for years.

Of course if he's saying these things in a creepy way or pressuring you that's awful, but... it doesn't seem like he is?

Were you comfortable having any conversation about sex? You'd have been within your rights to shut it down completely, but if you didn't it seems you got a fairly standard one.

You didn't like what he said. Bin! It's not difficult. You're allowed to bin men off when they say shit you dislike! And you don't owe them an explanation either!

You don’t sound compatible. He seems more open with his sexual preferences early on and you do not at this stage (totally acceptable). I wouldn’t get the Ick for someone saying they like a woman on top, but I’m happy to be open about my sexual preferences at an early stage, I want to know what they are into to see if I think we would be compatible down the line

Sounds like he's only after one thing if he's talking everything sex on the second date. It's a bit much he should be trying to get the both of u interested in each other and he's already discussing possibilities/checking boundaries if there would ever be a third. Bit too much for me that couldn't be arsed with it

Ditch.
He’s giving you an insight to the real him.

It was the seventh date but still it felt gross.