GF becomes abusive when I point out she's been horrible to me

[ReallyUpset2024]

Hi, my gf always seems to follow the same pattern after she's been or said something nasty to me. It's basically
One: Pretend nothing happened

Two: when I mention she did something that hurt me she just repeats it all again to me.

Three: she then drags up old arguments from the past to justify her behaviour

Four: becomes abusive towards me.

It's always the same. She can never admit she did anything wrong, apologise or even say "I may have said some things I regret"

This week she tore into me on Sunday night for an hour and then on Wednesday made really nasty snide comments about my job. On Thursday I messaged her and said I found both occasions hurtful and that I'd appreciate if she withdrew her remarks. She replied to this
saying it was me controlling her and forcing her to say what I wanted and that I was only allowing her to speak when spoken to, that was her reaction to me saying I found the way she spoke to me disrespectful. She then started accusing me of cheating on her (I've never ever cheated on her) and then finished off by calling me a piece of sh1t and and an absolutely c*nt. All this happened because she couldn't admit she may have been nasty to me. At no stage did I swear or call her names and I stuck to the point. I can post the entire conversation here if people want it for context.

Thjs has happened numerous times and the same pattern repeats. Can anyone explain why someone who claims to love you would never acknowledge they may have hurt you and instead always react like this.

Because she's abusive. Ask yourself why you are still with her after all this?

Dump her! Don’t choose conflict, misery and u happiness. Choose peace, happiness, harmony and a better future. Do it today.

Get out while you can. Do you think that will improve over time? It never improves, only gets worse.

Please don't put up with this any more. It is time to end this relationship. Nobody should have to suffer verbal abuse.

She's abusive and that's a her problem

It's always the same.

And it always will be. Why are you expecting anything different?

Don't chose to stay with someone who abuses you. Leave.

She’s abusive and therefore this relationship should be over now. It’s over anyway because of the abuse.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

She’s a nasty abusive controlling manipulator. Get out now as this will never get better

I've said she that in my opinion I can't be spoken to like that as I didn't think it was acceptable and if she did it was irreconcilable. Her response was to send me repeated messages in the same vein as above. It's always been the same, she can never admit she did anything wrong and always gets abusive if I say she did or said anything that upset me

Right, so why are you still there?

There’s a documentary on channel 5 (I believe) at the moment called my wife, my abuser. Please watch it when you get chance and if you can at all relate then you’ll know what to do. Sorry this is happening to you. The reason she is being like this will be nothing you have done and will probably have started a long time before you met. But she needs to unlearn these behaviours and realise it’s wrong on her own. If you’re always there trying to be good to her she has no reason to change . Its not your fault.

I was going to mention this. I watched it yesterday, it was heartbreaking.

I'm not. I told her that if she thinks it's acceptable to talk to me like that it's irreconcilable. She just sent me more abusive messages, to which I didn't reply, then blocked me. I'm just trying to understand why someone would go to such lengths to avoid apologising for anything.

This is a very unhealthy relationship. She isn't the only woman in the world, you can find someone else. Noone who genuinely loves you would treat you like this. Why do you think you are choosing to stay, and what is stopping you leaving?

Have you decided to end the relationship? Sorry if I missed that in the OP.
Abusive people are abusive because they can, because they want to, because it meets a need. It's really hard to understand when you're the victim of it but you need to stop wasting your emotional energy trying to understand her.

Yes, before her last batch of messages I told her that despite the fact I loved her she couldn't speak to me like that and I couldn't put up with it.

This is abusive gaslighting and shutting you down. If she won't take responsibility for her abuse and hurt it causes I'd end it. Tbh if you were my family member I'd be really concerned for your well being. I've been in an abusive marriage and the best thing I ever did was end it. All hell broke loose obviously as my ex thought I'd be happy to hide the behaviour. If I did it again it would be short, sharp, shock, "relationship has ended, I'll be back in 3 days, pack your things to leave, thank you" or vice versa. If you have a joint mortgage I'd start planning what you'll do to move forward.

Well (sorry but) you've proved yourself wrong - you can be spoken to like that- she keeps doing it and you keep staying.

EVEN IF and strong IF you have convinced yourself she's your soul mate and just needs to sort this one thing out, the ONLY way of getting her to change that is to leave her and tell her why. She MIGHT go to therapy and improve herself then, but she won't do this while staying with you. But honestly I would leave her and run far away - better to be single than this but there are loads of incredibly kind single women that would love to date someone as caring as yiu. your current gf has probably eroded yiur self esteem to the point where this is hard to belive - if so please get counselling x

Because she doesn't think she's done anything wrong. It's narcissistic behaviour. It may or may not be that she is a narcissist but that's irrelevant. What's relevant is she can't or won't see any side except her own.

You are better out of this. Hopefully you have no children and few or no financial ties and can just move on.

Yeah I've given up. She said she wasn't going to be coerced into using the exact words I wanted her to use when I said she didn't even have to apologise if she could just admit she may have said things she probably shouldn't have. I'm really upset over the whole thing and can't understand why someone who said they love you would be like that

does she make you happy?

I'm guessing not

Why are you together?

@ReallyUpset2024

Your girlfriend is emotionally broken or and damaged fucked up well before she met you
This behaviour is deeply entrenched and incideous,

You need to leave for your sanity and emotionally well being etc,

turn to charties that support men experiencing domestic abuse too,

look up online Internet for them,

Also i would strongly consirder looking into having good therapy on temporary basis to address reasons why you were acctracted to this type of person in the first place ect too abx ended in this relationship,

so you don't go on repeat this toxic abusive dysfunctional relantship dynamics in your next relantship in the future.

You don’t need to understand it and it’s best not to even try. Some people are just unreasonable pricks and you’re bst just avoiding them.

i had an argument a few years ago with a woman who said “it’s not personal …” and at the time i thought, of course it is. But I came to realise it’s not personal, some people are just cunts! It’s not you, it’s her, she’s just a prick. She’s shown you numerous times who she really is, don’t be a prick too and ignore it.

This link could be very useful to you
https://mankind.org.uk/

You're better off out of it, frankly. I dated someone who was absolutely vile to me under the pretense of bad PMS and stupidly put up with it until she dumped me via text - hours after getting me to pay for her lunch! Ending a relationship is always painful, but be happy that you stood up for yourself and got to be the one to end it.