GF becomes abusive when I point out she's been horrible to me

[ReallyUpset2024]

Hi, my gf always seems to follow the same pattern after she's been or said something nasty to me. It's basically
One: Pretend nothing happened

Two: when I mention she did something that hurt me she just repeats it all again to me.

Three: she then drags up old arguments from the past to justify her behaviour

Four: becomes abusive towards me.

It's always the same. She can never admit she did anything wrong, apologise or even say "I may have said some things I regret"

This week she tore into me on Sunday night for an hour and then on Wednesday made really nasty snide comments about my job. On Thursday I messaged her and said I found both occasions hurtful and that I'd appreciate if she withdrew her remarks. She replied to this
saying it was me controlling her and forcing her to say what I wanted and that I was only allowing her to speak when spoken to, that was her reaction to me saying I found the way she spoke to me disrespectful. She then started accusing me of cheating on her (I've never ever cheated on her) and then finished off by calling me a piece of sh1t and and an absolutely c*nt. All this happened because she couldn't admit she may have been nasty to me. At no stage did I swear or call her names and I stuck to the point. I can post the entire conversation here if people want it for context.

Thjs has happened numerous times and the same pattern repeats. Can anyone explain why someone who claims to love you would never acknowledge they may have hurt you and instead always react like this.

“I'm just trying to understand why someone would go to such lengths to avoid apologising for anything.”

Because she’s an arsehole.

She's abusive. Some people just are. There may be something going on to exacerbate it , but that's not your job to pick over and try and diagnose. Don't waste your time or energy on trying to figure out the why's. Just move on and give yourself a chance to meet someone who treats you well and makes you happy

Work out why you need to work her out, and why you can't just say 'She makes no sense to me.'

There will be lots of people in the world, and in your life who don't make sense to you. It's not your job to figure them out. It's likely that you had to figure out a parent when you were a kid, because their actions or words didn't make sense to you, and that's why you learned to choose this route.

The healthy route, if someone is hard for you to figure out, is to accept incompatibility, and leave, with the acceptance that you're not going to get an answer about why they behave that way.

Or even better, learn how to treat yourself well, in a way that makes you happy.

Do you think that spending your time figuring out an abuser will cheer you up? If not, choose to do something that will.

Exactly this!

Get rid of the nasty bitch. Your life sounds miserable. At least it's only verbal ATM but it might get physical.

It's 100% narcissist behaviour - which will never, ever change. Please don't ever get back with this person. You'll never ever win any disagreement with them.

She sounds like a classic narcissist. Well done for getting out. As other have said, this abuse only ever escalates and never gets better. Please do not take her behaviour towards to personally. You have done nothing wrong and she will behave like this regardless of who she is in a relationship with. It's not you, honestly, although they always make it out to be you that's the problem.

My DH was with his narc ex for 12 years and she completely destroyed his self-esteem. We're still battling though some of the damage she done. Sadly we still have her in our lives as he has kids with her. I gave up trying to work out why she did certain things. It's a pointless exercise that will never make sense.

Keep her blocked and look after yourself. Stop blaming yourself and stop looking for answers. You'll only drive yourself crazy trying to understand her.

Look up coach Elizabeth Shaw on YouTube. She gives really good advice about dealing with narcissists and getting over relationships with narcissists.

The answer is simple she's abusive and nasty well rid, waste no time thinking why

It might help you to ask yourself why you were attracted to someone who behaves like this and is so abusive. There’s a lot of drama, intrigue and emotion created by this type of personality and they’re exhausting.

Please leave - this is abusive behaviour that WILL get worse. Don’t try to understand it - safeguard yourself and end this relationship.

Thank you everyone for the support and advice. I'll be looking up some of the links posted here tonight.

Why are you even engaging with her? Asking her to withdraw her comments? Just end it.

Stoping wasting your time trying to "figure out" abusive people. The only thing you need to figure out is why you stayed with her for so long. Block her and move on with your life.

Would you say to a lion that's chewing on your leg: "you're chewing on my leg! Stop!".

Probably not right?
Because it knows its chewing on your leg. It wants to chew on your leg. That's what lions do.
Telling them to stop isn't going to stop them either.

People who love you do not abuse you. They don't call you horrible names.

She doesn't love you.
She is an abuser.
She is not your partner, she is your abuser.
Run. Fast and far.

Don’t try to understand someone abusive because you’ll drive your self mad making excuses for them. You’ll never understand because you’re not made the same way.

Just accept she’s not a nice person and walk away with your head held high.

End the relationship. Do you think she is actually hoping you will do this ? She clearly doesn't respect you

Sounds like borderline personality disorder, if you want a name for it. The only solution is for her to get therapy. But first she'd have to realise that she is the problem. It doesn't sound like she is there yet.
You might find she starts begging and pleading in the next few days. At which point, as a minimum, you hang firm until she has entered into therapy and not before.
If she doesn't start begging, she's not seeing herself as the issue and is unlikely to do anything about it. Basically a lost cause until she realises.

Don’t think it’s BPD. We tend to blame ourselves for everything. More opposite on the spectrum which is NPD

Agreed.

Smacks of npd in my opinion.

Why are you focusing on what she is doing rather than on what you are doing which is tolerating it?
This will not change and if you don't work on the root cause of why you are there in the first place, the next GF you choose will be the same.

What is NPD then?

Sounds like cluster b personality disorder. Narc or BPD.

Be careful though as these people are dangerous when rejected.

Know your worth OP. My ex had been in a relationship where they were constantly bickering. They did not make each other happy. When he met me he thought I was somehow out of the ordinary simply because i spoke nicely to him. They washed unhappy years together. Don't make this mistake

Please leave the relationship as soon as you can. It won’t improve and I’m sorry to say that you will probably never get an answer as to why she behaves like that. Narcs will never ever be wrong.

I bet she doesn’t behave like that at work… 🤷🏼‍♀️??