Leaving a marriage when you have a long term health condition

[Richtea67]

Hi, I'm looking for people's experiences of leaving their marriage when they have a long term health condition/disability. Particularly with young children. I'm utterly miserable in my marriage....for years there has been no intimacy and we're now at the stage where we have no respect for each other. Looking back we were totally wrong for each other and should never have got married. There's no abuse, and he's kind and we sort of rub along together in the day to day, but this is not what I want my life to be like. An additional hurdle is that I have a chronic health condition and in particular fatigue and pain levels can be very high. I wouldn't go as far to say my husband is my carer, but he certainly does at least 75% of housework and childcare. I work PT and him FT but we bring in the same income as my job is better paid. We have a large 4 bed house, mortgage on it fairly manageable but I could not afford to buy him out. On a practical level I would struggle to cope on my own, even for 50% of the week. We're local to his family, but mine are 3 hour drive away. However I also think being in this marriage is impacting on my stress and mental health, and perhaps my symptoms would improve out of the situation. I feel scared and trapped. My kids are 8, 5 and 2

Bump

If you move closer to your family will they be able to help in the day to day care of your dcs? How does that impact on your job - can you WFH?

First, I would ask what it is you want from a relationship. The early passion never lasts and most relationships do become more companionable over the long term (if that's what you mean by rub along). If you're wanting to leave for a different relationship, that's something to consider.

What is making you so miserable? Are you bored? If you've got into a rut, can you shake things up to make things more interesting? Your DH sounds supportive, so what's the issue you are wanting to leave to escape?

If you consider these things and decide you really do want to leave, it's probably not going to be easy. I don't have personal experience of disability to that extent, but I have a child with a disability and I know leaving would be very hard because of that alone. I think you'd have to consider what supports you can access, the finances, parenting share, and just the practical things of how you can make it work. You can make it work but you have things to consider that others won't.

Moving three hours away when sharing care of children would be tough. OP might need to provide their transport, given that she's the one moving away. That kind of burden might not help her health condition.

Is it fair on him to stay in the relationship?

It sounds like the most realistic option would be for you to discuss how you can divide your shared assets to make sure you can have your own small place and the children have a larger place with their Dad. Then focus on making sure you have regular really good quality time with your children. Would you still need care and support if you could rest in between these times? If so you could ask for support from a specialist service to get it an apply for disability related benefits.

Maybe he takes 'in sickness and in health' seriously? Maybe he was aware of the condition on marriage and accepted what that meant? Disabled people can bring many good things to the relationship table.

Would you be ok with your husband having the kids and you seeing them a couple of days a week? And you would have to look after yourself (and the kids when they were with you) - I think this might be the likely outcome as he is the main carer.

If he is kind and you guys run along, I don’t see why you would want to split. The romance does often wax and wane in long term relationships.

Sounds like things might be worse apart …

We're still in the early stages so can't comment on long term. My XH was never a carer in any way and Ive always done 95% of the housework, kids, admin, support for our SEN kids. My XH is abusive. He moved out, we have to sell the house soon. DC are all primary age. I'm worse than I was 12 months ago before I told him. Pain, fatigue and sleep all worse. I think now he's out Im feeling more of the effects of the trauma he put us all through. He has continued the abuse, saying horrible things to our kids about me, blaming me for everything, we've had some tense snappish exchanges, mediation was horrible and DD MH got a lot worse. She's doing better now he's giving her the medication I didn't know he was withholding. Its hard and sad dropping the kids at his, but I feel a giant sense of relief knowing I'm driving home to a house that he's not in. Its worth it for me.

I think the meaning is:

Is it fair to stay in a relationship with a man you don't love just to use him as free care, with him unaware of the full extent of this reality?

Which it isn't, but I appreciate it's a difficult situation and the OP is carefully considering her options and looking for advice free from judgement.

Thank you for replies so far...a lot for me to consider. @ForestBather I'll really take your point and will think about what I want from the relationship. What's making me miserable is a lack of love and intimacy, we're like housemates with children. We're starting to snipe at each other. I know that passion dwindles in the long term but I always imagined there would be tenderness and fondness. When I try to talk to him about this he just shuts down and refuses to engage.

I don't think living away from my children would be an option...they are much closer to me (eldest in particular) and even though he shoulders the physical stuff I am much more there for them emotionally. So I think they would struggle.

@heatersneaker I know what you mean. I am considering things very practically, but I don't think the situation is fair on him, but I don't know what to do.

It sounds very difficult
you have to be realistic, is he a good companion? If you decide to leave you will certainly see your kids less and he might be main carer for them.
meeting someone new is never guaranteed and not easy at the best of times, a long term condition realistically might make that harder.
sorry if that sounds pessimistic but I left 18 months ago and whilst I don’t regret it it’s by no means an easy path

Could you have some counselling together? He sounds like a good guy, you had feelings for him once? I know that a lot of men (and women) find it difficult when chronic illness appears but he is shouldering additional responsibility. Is your condition likely to progress? You have 3 young children and it's quite possible that they may in turn become your carers if that's the case. Going it alone is no walk in the park for anyone, speaking as someone who has been there. Perhaps when you are both in a positive frame of mind you could discuss your future together, how you could make things better for each other?

I've never said this before, i'm usually the first one to say "LTB" but honestly, I think your relationship could be salvageable. With a lot of therapy.

And even if you don't manage to salvage it, can't you just stay together and move forward as a family unit. No intimacy means just that. There are lots of other things that make up a marrage.

The lack of intimacy could be due to the fact he is working full time, and according to you, doing 75% of the house work and home admin. He must be pretty exhausted, and so obviously something has to give. Can you afford to get a cleaner in to take some of the burden off him?

What a nasty reply reply
Please please ignore this OP

Yes this is what I meant sorry. I think as well as looking at your own needs OP you do have to consider him. I wish you the best as it sounds a very tough choice to make.

I'm utterly miserable in my marriage....for years there has been no intimacy and we're now at the stage where we have no respect for each other. Looking back we were totally wrong for each other and should never have got married.

This is the part that spoke to me most. Is it possible he's feeling the same? Does he want to end the marriage? Tricky to tell without asking.

@Richtea67

I am not susprised your husband hasn't got the emotional bandwidth headspace to have a close intimacy kind of relationship with,

He is so bloody so exhausted he proberly can not even think straight or have time to fart with all the demands put on him,

I think 🤔 you need to look into getting additional extra support such as proffessional carers come into your home to support you,
as i don't think it be fair for your children to have to step up and be your fulltime Carer's,

Also look into having a proffessional cleaner or home help to offload make this lighter too,

I think when you have chronic health problems or a disability and the other person is able bodied in a carer role it does change the dynamic and not in a good way. I can see how this affects the love and intimacy between you, when you become someone who is a dependent and without being aware of it contempt can develop. I know this from personal experience (I am the one with a disability).

The good thing is that you work and bring in a good income.

I would try and address the rest of the dynamic a bit more. Hire a cleaner as someone suggested, Hello Fresh for food, childcare / after school care, ironing service (if you iron!) and so on. Your DH might be more responsive to practical changes which free both of you up to enjoy each other’s company as partners than to a vague statement about not feeling the love any more.

It does not seem that moving out is an option financially or practically. And it does not sound like even 50:50 is doable at your end.

The grass is not greener on the other side OP...stick around be patient, sometimes we have to do without something in order to keep flowing, your youngest is only 2, it must be tough with work/family. No doubt your both tired and stuck in the rut....but bear it and stick to it, will be worth it at the end. He sounds like a good support, it couldn't be all that bad as you both have 3 kids. Concentrate on what you have rather than what you don't. Life is too short and a supportive spouse and a stable family is a blessing to have. You're one need of wanting more can ruin 4 other lives...and you won't be any better without him. Tell yourself it's a phase and this too shall pass 🙏 and things will be better in the long run ❤️ the fruit of patience is sweet so hang in there my dear.

I left.

I use a wheelchair following an accident. I also have chronic pain.

I was working part time. It had been then years since my accident. We bought in quite a lot of help - cleaners etc.

I left because he hurt our daughter quite badly and when I spoke to him about it I thought he was going to hurt me. I called the police to protect us.

We moved out to hotel then airbnb. A friend let us stay in their house while they were overseas with family for six months.

It was very very hard. The hardest time of my life. If I didn't do it nobody did. One time we were out of food and I was tired but we needed food so I went to the shop and literally collapsed on the pavement outside it with exhaustion.

He was very upset we left. He developed a story in his head that we were doing it just to spite him and he had never hurt anyone.

To protect my daughter who had panic attacks and nightmares at the thought of of him (and was also on diazepam and anti anxiety drugs from the psychiatrist she had to see afterwards) I wouldn't let him see or talk to her but the price for that was letting him rant at me.

I developed anxiety myself. He put trackers on our cars and threatened to come round whenever he felt like it.

I had to keep working because otherwise we had no money for rent or food. I started having stomach aches and headaches. It developed to having panic attacks at work.

We got divorced and that was a story in itself. I bought a new house for cash. Moving when you are disabled is tricky. I was pushing myself physically way beyond what I should have done.

In the end I had a breakdown. My disability is now much worse and I have severe mental health problems (anxiety, panic attacks, dissociation and functional neurological disorder) as well now.

I can't work at all now.

Tbh though, your situation is different to the OPs. You left to protect yourself and your daughter from abuse. Op’s dh isn’t at all abusive, and the reason she has come on here for advice is that he hasn’t done anything bad, just that they’ve grown apart emotionally. This can be worked on with the right approach and help. Your situation couldn’t be worked on, and your only option was to leave.