Leaving a marriage when you have a long term health condition

[Richtea67]

Hi, I'm looking for people's experiences of leaving their marriage when they have a long term health condition/disability. Particularly with young children. I'm utterly miserable in my marriage....for years there has been no intimacy and we're now at the stage where we have no respect for each other. Looking back we were totally wrong for each other and should never have got married. There's no abuse, and he's kind and we sort of rub along together in the day to day, but this is not what I want my life to be like. An additional hurdle is that I have a chronic health condition and in particular fatigue and pain levels can be very high. I wouldn't go as far to say my husband is my carer, but he certainly does at least 75% of housework and childcare. I work PT and him FT but we bring in the same income as my job is better paid. We have a large 4 bed house, mortgage on it fairly manageable but I could not afford to buy him out. On a practical level I would struggle to cope on my own, even for 50% of the week. We're local to his family, but mine are 3 hour drive away. However I also think being in this marriage is impacting on my stress and mental health, and perhaps my symptoms would improve out of the situation. I feel scared and trapped. My kids are 8, 5 and 2

@Richtea67 i find that the main reason people don’t engage is fear. Fear of letting the cat out of the bag and then what will happen??

In OP’s case, it might well be that both of them are struggling, both are thinking they’d be better separated but also both are frightened of how it could work.
I don’t think that would be surprising really. The OP is struggling to see how it could work. I suspect he is worried he’d become the RP.

Fwiw I suspect her dh is angry and resentful at carrying that load. In part because, even if it’s subconscious, his expectation was that he would do less than the OP re HW and childcare rather than more. Like a lot of men, he’ll feel like he is doing it all and that it’s awfully unfair. (And usually studies show that women always underestimate how much they actually do).

So the status quo will feel safer.

@Richtea67 another thought even though it’s directly about your marriage and possible divorce.

When I was working, I used to push myself like hell to be able to carry on working. As a result, I had no energy left for anything else. Weekends and evenings were just used to recover, staring in the empty space. I was constantly in survival mode, didn’t enjoy anything I did with the dcs and family because all my focus was on physically putting one foot in front of the next.
When I did stop work, it’s because I simply couldn’t do anything at all by then. I ended up lying down 22 hours a day, unable to do more than getting up to eat.

Now, in retrospect, I wish someone had told me it’s ok to stop work. It’s ok to say that spending quality time with your dcs, family, dh is more important.
I wish I had been told how benefits work because I’m only entitled to ESA through sheer luck. I know many disabled people who have pushed through, reduced their hours only to find they are now not entitled to anything at all.

You are saying that you are only holding in with your finger tips. I suspect this also means everything else in the house, the kids are asking you for a tremendous effort.
Please, regardless of whether you separate or not, consider stopping work. Work out your benefit entitlement (the ESA isn’t mean tested as it’s linked to your contributions + you can still work up to 16 hours a week).

Sincerely, I would have had a much better life quality if I had stopped years before I did. Money wise we wouldn’t have been much worse off. And I truly believe it would have had a positive impact both on the dcs and on dh too.

(and yes the idea of organising some time with just your dh made me smile. When you are so tired, organising an evening out and then spending a couple if hours of quality time, interacting with someone etc… is simply out of reach - or only at a huge price re exhaustion and pain)

When I've tried to talk to him about this he refuses to engage...just sits there mute stating straight ahead. I can't work out what to make of that, I feel like I don't know him anymore.

First of all Village and Escape make very valid points. You can leave even if you have health conditions, provided you plan it to within an inch of its life. If you have to do everything plan how you would do the shopping (online?), cooking (perching tool, adaptive utensils, prechopped veg), laundry, getting medicine (does your pharmacy deliver?), washing/shower (grab rails, bath seat), cleaning and gardening. Any benefits vs wages.

Once you have worked it out for you, factor in how you would look after the children and if any adaptation could be done (how to get to and from school). Then you start looking at finances for housing costs.

The devil is in the detail and maybe your DH stares blankly ahead because he can't see the details. Right now he feels you are talking about something impossible so tell him exactly how you see it. Then maybe he will be able to discuss it.

Would it be possible to sell your house and buy 2 smaller ones very close together. That way the kids could come and go between homes freely eg he cooks them dinner then they come over to you for a chat and a cuddle. Possibly sleeping 60 percent with your DH and 40 percent with you. Or would it be possible if your elder child spends more time at yours as they can do more for themselves and the youngest more time with her Dad? He needs to engage to either work harder at marriage or agree to amicably separate.

This is a great idea, thank you. And yes quite possible.

So I spoke to him tonight about the idea of getting a cleaner to help us both and give us more time and he was quite against it! He says he enjoys the housework! It makes me think he's carving out this role for himself, and maybe it's a bit scary easing the housework load, as it would force a bit of a spotlight on the relationship 🤔

Because we read all her posts and you don’t. If you read her third post in the thread she said it wasn’t an option for her to live away from the kids.

I think the two small houses or flats nearby is a good idea too. It would also gradually give you time to develop your own systems for independent living without relying on him. Just one thing to explore though. If you both separated and then he found someone else relatively quickly and who moved into the small house with him nearby, would you be eventually be comfortable with that? It could feel challenging, though if the house was at least a few streets away it wouldn’t be in your face.

Because my post was about the fact the OP doesn’t HAVE TO have the dcs 50% of the time.
She can CHOSE TO have the dcs 50% or more or less depending on her energy levels, her agreement with her dh etc…..

Plus my answer was to that particular poster, and the statement it wasn’t ok to leave her dh have the responsibility of the dcs all of the time. Not a direct answer to the OP. Which was clear from the fact I answered to a particular post??