Leaving a marriage when you have a long term health condition

[Richtea67]

Hi, I'm looking for people's experiences of leaving their marriage when they have a long term health condition/disability. Particularly with young children. I'm utterly miserable in my marriage....for years there has been no intimacy and we're now at the stage where we have no respect for each other. Looking back we were totally wrong for each other and should never have got married. There's no abuse, and he's kind and we sort of rub along together in the day to day, but this is not what I want my life to be like. An additional hurdle is that I have a chronic health condition and in particular fatigue and pain levels can be very high. I wouldn't go as far to say my husband is my carer, but he certainly does at least 75% of housework and childcare. I work PT and him FT but we bring in the same income as my job is better paid. We have a large 4 bed house, mortgage on it fairly manageable but I could not afford to buy him out. On a practical level I would struggle to cope on my own, even for 50% of the week. We're local to his family, but mine are 3 hour drive away. However I also think being in this marriage is impacting on my stress and mental health, and perhaps my symptoms would improve out of the situation. I feel scared and trapped. My kids are 8, 5 and 2

I'm not understanding how there can be no intimacy in years when you have a two year old ? It's natural for intimacy to dwindle when you have 3 young kids you are both likely exhausted.

You just need to decide if selling up and buying or renting a smaller 3 bed is possible financially (it must be if you're the higher earner), if yes then start making plans. As you say if you are then happier apart then you may find you mental and physical health improves and you can be more self sufficient.

He may be desperate to end things too but feels a sense of duty to stay. Have either of you broached the subject?

Because you can have sex wo any intimacy - just the physical act iyswim

I’m in a similar position than you - bar the dcs. Mines have left home now.

A few things that I think are important

• go and see a lawyer. Separating when one partner is chronically ill/disabled is different
• investigate all the help you can get. From benefit like PIP if you’re not getting it yet to support from SS (eg if you are on your own, can you get home help?)
• in any case, you’ll need to sort out a cleaner. I think it’s also worth looking at how you could manage on your own - eg how to handle cooking or the washing.
• Do you think you’d be the RP and he is having the dcs EOW. Or it would be 50/50. Or actually you cannot look after them and he’d be the RP?
• think about wether you’d be able to carry in working if you also have to look after the dcs in your own. It might or might not be possible.

Personally i should have left when the dcs were your dcs age. I didn’t. I freaked out and thought I’d never manage. The result has been more stress that made my condition worse. So now I’m finding it even harder. I’m not working, fully disabled and fully needing someone fir day to day stuff. My plan is to slowly build up a way of living/organisation I can sustain in my own (with a cleaner). I’ve sorted out all the benefits I can get. Im also planning to ask for some help from the clinic I’m referred to to see if I can get more support from SS.

I find it really interesting that a lot of answers are about ‘the grass isn’t always greener’ or ‘tp you can work at it’.
I rarely see those answers when the poster isn’t ill or disabled. Instead it’s all about ‘you only have one life’, ‘raise your bar’ etc…..

You could wait until the youngest is 5. They become a lot less physically demanding then and are in school.

@VillageOnSmile I think that is because it's not clear that the OP is physically capable of looking after the children safely on her own (at least not without them living quite a limited existence) but she isn't prepared for their father to be the resident parent. So there isn't really a good option for the kids if they split up.

cant believe PP telling the OP to move the children 3 hours away from a father who cares for them 75% of the time, good old mumsnet 🙄

Hmm…. I’m going to assume that the OP wouldn’t put herself in a situation where the dcs are her carer instead.

What is more likely to happen is that the OP can’t do working part time and looking after the dcs. Which doesn’t mean she couldn’t look after them full time. Just that with limited energy, you need to chose where you are spending it. Just now, working has taken the priority. If she separates, it would be the dcs. It also doesn’t mean that the dcs would have a limited life - unless you expect all dcs whose parent is chronically ill/disabled to have a limited life ….

Also I’d challenge the idea her dh is doing 75% of the HW and childcare but she is doing all the emotional stuff.
Maybe this is clouded by my own experience, but there is still this feeling that if a father does some cooking or some childcare more than ‘expected’ - which is NEVER 50% of the work, then they are taking in the lion’s share of the work. Even when what they do is about 50% of the work. I’ve seen at play with myself and dh.
But the OP is in full charge of all dc 2 days a week at least. So she’ll have a good idea about how well she copes on her own.

So basically the options are not good for the woman so just use the poor guy who is working hard to make sure everyone is taken care of. Who is caring for him helping him. Let's be honest she needs to speak with him first the poor guy is probably knackered and needs some help. If you are so miserable you should end it and try split the kids 50/50 why should he be punished as it seems he is a good man trying his best

Because op has admitted she relies on him heavily to help with the dcs and the housework. Her dh isnt going to be able presumably to look after the docs full time if they separate, nor should he have to, so op will need to have her dcs some of the time, plus look after her own needs, which doesn't sound viable. In fact, her dh will probably benefit most from the split as he will have more time to himself, and when he does have the dcs, he can just focus on them and not everything else he has had to do.

@Jb197806 can we please leave this man out of the discussion?

If he has an issue with ‘no one helping him’ or with doing 75% of the HW and childcare (despite the OP looking after at least one dc on her own 2 days a week….), I am sure he can raise the issue himself.

The issue here is about the OP.p, not her dh.

Why couldn’t he look after the dcs full time? A lot of single women do that all the time and no one has an issue with it. I’ve actually never heard anyone say that a mother couldn’t possibly look after her dcs on her own and that the father has to support her by having the dcs - what 50% of the time if you think he’ll have more time fir himself?

Why the different standards??

@VillageOnSmile

Why couldn’t he look after the dcs full time?

Are you suggesting the OP just abandon her dc? When me. Do this they do indeed get blasted. So you think OP should just walk away and have no involvement with her dc.

Maybe he is just trying to support her the best he can and doesn't want to upset her. In that case why doesn't the op bring the subject up with her husband first and then maybe she can either work on her marriage or then leave him as the answer he gives will surely help if he is honest.

As someone who is disabled and has lots if issues with energy etc… I’m also challenging the idea that she couldn’t cope.

I’m challenging HER idea she might not be able to cope.

Why?
Well let’s assume that this man is ding 75% of the HW. That will mean the whole HW is organised around HIS ways. There is some reason around that but I suspect this doesn’t fit with the best way of doing things for the OP

eg (my) dh cooks our meals. He is doing the normal way. Let’s take all the ingredients out and let’s start cooking. I cannot do that.
What works for me is small and often. I cook in blocks. Preparing vegs then stop. Roast them in the oven then stop. I then have a pile if vegs ready to use fur the week. When I cook the meal, I’m assembling things rather than cooking.
im using the slow cooker and the airfrier a lot (less faf and effort). Dh doesn’t.
But because dh doesn’t nearly all the cooking, it still fine his way. That I can’t do…

This is true for many other things. Plus ofc, a cleaner would be a must.

She is also totally right that the stress of living like this might well make her health worse too. It did to me….

Yep.

But no sane person would put themselves in a situation where you might have to get on with a divorce wo knowing if it’s manageable or how it could like first.
(same with finances etc… btw. Which most people do, even if it’s a cursory glance at how much they earn etc….)

She needs to see how it can work (or not), which was her initial question.

In a happy marriage sure but 'I don't want to leave as he cares for me and does housework only' is not fair

So op doesn’t see her dc’s? She should have them with her at least every other weekend, as would the father if it was the other way round, and hopefully a night during the week. He works full time, OP part time. Did you read that bit? Quite often, the done thing these days is 50/50. No double standards at all, but op cannot absolve herself from caring, at least part time, for her dcs.

Thank you that is really sensible advice. I hope you can get some more support and things improve for you. I'm envisaging 50:50 split with the kids. I just can't get my head around how I'll cope, as at the moment I'm hanging on by my fingernails some days.

When I've tried to talk to him about this he refuses to engage...just sits there mute stating straight ahead. I can't work out what to make of that, I feel like I don't know him anymore.

I think the last time we had sex was around the time my 2 year old was conceived, so it must be coming on for 3 years now.

It's not going to help that he won't discuss it but this does sound like it could be salvageable. Maybe you both need to invest in some regular babysitting in the weekends and get out and have some fun together? See if you can rebuild that bond? It's easy to get lost in the care of three young children, especially when you have other limitations.

Sounds like he's struggling too.
You've both got a lot on your plate with 3 young children and health problems.
When you talk to him are you saying 'why aren't we more intimate?' which could sound to his ears like 'i want you to make more effort because I don't feel loved'.
Or do you say something like 'life is a lot right now isn't it, there isn't room for much fun and I think we're both finding it hard in different ways, I know things will get easier as the kids get older but until then I wonder if there's anything that would help you feel there was some space or support for you or us. I don't think you feel able to talk to me for support, so you think a counsellor would be helpful to give you someone to talk to?'

If he's staring into space when you try to talk then the conversation isn't one he feels he can open up in, for whatever reason. You can't put intimacy back in a relationship without addressing why it left in the first place.
Babies yes, often get in the way for a while, but if it's not coming back something isn't ok.

That must be very frustrating for you. I think you need to be thoroughly blunt with him. It drives me mad my wife won't be with me when I ask her to be honest about things at times.