Has anyone lost their mum? Did it ever get better?

[Justanotherusername27]

Sorry to post on this thread but people on bereavement are in a similar predicament to me and I just want someone a while down this road to give me some hope.

I lost my mum, best friend, saw her every day, me and my son lived with her for a long time, holidays, video calls advice etc a few weeks back. The dream parent, dream grandmother and perfect. She was normal until December, got told she had stage 4 cancer and died at the start of March. It’s her funeral on Monday. I’m absolutely devastated. My world has been torn apart, I feel, and somewhere I know (hope) it’s not true but I will never be happy again.

Mine and my families worlds have been blown apart, everyone is struggling significantly and everyone has undergone a personality change. My mum was everything to everyone. It was traumatic what happened, she was in early sixties, fit and healthy and did not want to die. It happened suddenly.

If I didn’t have children I’m not 100% sure I wouldn’t have joined her on the other side but I can’t put them in this position but I just want some hope.

I know and understand I’m going to be in pain for a long time, grief is love and I love her endlessly. But I want to know if I’ll ever get through this and not feel so devastated forever. I’ve seen people write things years after the fact and they’re still devastated and never got past it. I don’t want my life to be like that I just need some advice on how to get through. People tell me ‘grieve your own way, feel your feelings’ but it doesn’t help me. I need to know, if it’s possible to move on, still respecting and honouring my mum, but to be happy like she would want.. how do you deal with this level of loss?

I'm nearly 3 years on. It feels a lot more manageable but I still miss my mum a lot. It's a whole different relationship with my dad now, and new approaches to family traditions, which has took some getting used to

My Mum died 11 years ago now. Her birthday and Mother's day are very hard. Xmas I think of her a lot too. Sometimes I can go 2 or 3 weeks when I'm really and barely think of her now. Then I have a bad day or something wonderful happens and I'm desperate to tell her. I still dream vividly of my Mum at night at least once or twice a month. I find this lovely because it's though I'm still sharing time with her. I mentioned this to my younger sister who was upset because she apparently never dreams of Mum or much else either and said she wished she could share some dream time with Mum too. I think I unintentionally upset my sister. Mother's day is worse.

My lovely mum died in 2019. Stage 4 lung cancer that had spread to her brain. I found out I was pregnant weeks before she passed away.
No, it doesn’t get easier. I’m so sorry to say. It comes in waves and I feel like part of me died the day she did. I’m suppressing my feelings all the time because I can’t face dealing with them. Everyone else in the world thinks that I’m ok because I can talk about her and joke about her etc, but I feel half dead inside. She was my
best friend. Every time I look at my daughters, I see her, so her legacy lives on through us I guess.
She was 58. She had lung cancer and had never so much as touched a cigarette in her life. She was so full of life and had so much to live for.

I absolutely have no idea why you would post this on a post where I am so desperate for my mum and others are also sharing their experiences of losing theirs. There will obviously be some people, including myself, who use the thought that we will see our mothers again as a way to cope through the absolute destruction and pain their loss has caused.

Even if we are wrong and you don’t believe it what have you actually gained from this? You must be a very strange and insecure person outside of this forum.

I adored mine and it felt like the bottom fell out of the world. First year was just survival. Everything was empty. It felt easier after the first year and all the firsts has been done.
It's dependant on mindset too. I am a very positive thinker and good at blocking bad thoughts out. I'll never stop missing her though 🖤

You absolute fucking bellend.

My mum died 13 years ago, when my children were very small. She had passed the 5 year mark of having cancer and then it came back and she died after a short illness in hospital.

The first few months were unbelievably hard, then exactly 6 months later, I drove to my dad's house and I realised it was the first time I hadn't re-lived the journey to the hospital all the way there. My youngest child was ill on the way home and then both of them got norovirus and I had this realisation that I was dealing with it and coping without the reassurance of calling mum. For me that was a turning point.

That's not to say I haven't missed her or cried at lots of opportunities since. There are obvious ones like birthdays or Mothers day but others can take you by surprise.
one day, probably 8 years after mum died I saw my neighbour and her mum (who had come to visit) having a chat as they walked back from the school run. I immediately felt tearful and had to quickly go indoors to avoid speaking to them as I knew I would cry.

I often exchange messages with my siblings of things that remind me of her, but they are always humorous- we're often saying we're turning into her - usually it's sonething we took the mickey out of and we find ourselves doing it too.

The LoftyQuoter pp is spamming threads and PMs with these messages and did the same under a different name previously. Reported.

This passage made sense to me when we had a few deaths in our family.

I love this thank you xxx

thank you all so much ❤️ I can’t reply to everyone but I revisit this thread often xx

To be fair there’s so much that science cannot and has not explained and got wrong. I’ve read a few books by hospice nurses who have discussed phenomena that has happened that nobody has been able to explain. It doesn’t impact me really I’m more upset about others who would read this and it would really upset them. I still say night to my mum every night and I believe she hears me☺️❤️

Yes, it does get better but it takes a very long time.

My DM died in her 50s when I was in my 20s.

I can't say how long exactly it took to reconcile myself to her loss, but it was years not months.

All I can promise you is that it will get better.

Reading these sad, sad stories breaks my heart. I’m so sorry for your loss Op, and for all those who have written with such deep, abiding love.

i adored my grandad, who lived with us and who died when I was 21. I’m 62 now and I miss him still. I think the experience of my awful grief for him prepared me for losing both my parents, my DF only last year. I learnt that I would never be the same again, I would never stop loving or missing him, or being grateful that I had him for so long. And I focused on living a good life, carrying on his spirit and love into my own family. I know he would be proud of me.

Accepting that my grandad, my mum and my dad are not coming back was the milestone in my grief for each of them. It took about a year in each case.

Now, like a PP, my heart breaks to know my DDs will feel the same when I go. I do try to prepare them, though I’m not ill I know how quickly things can change. My focus has been to try to build great strength into the sibling relationships, right from when they were born, so they are not so alone in grief as I was (I have two DBs, they were and are useless). I’m very open with my DDs about money, my health, and how incredibly deeply I love them. I’ll never leave them, like grandad, mum and dad have never left me, but I won’t always physically be here. I don’t live close to any of them, so they won’t miss my physical presence so much I hope.

Much love to you all xx

Almost 10yrs since my mum died

I still miss her so much and gutted she never met mini blondes (7)

I also lost my dh 3yrs before my mum so had double whammy 🥲

Yes still hurts and yes I miss them both but in different ways

Fwiw I think the pain does lessen a bit or you learn to cope better due to time and as no choice

I think daughters are closer to their mums but equally when my dad passes I will be distraught as will dd

My dad is my daughters only gp alive and they adore each other

I do think her arriving 2yrs after my mum died helped my dad and gave him a new lease of life

I do see friends not see /talk /appreciate their parents and say one day they sadly won't be here

My mum died 4 years ago, she was 54 and i was 28. I promise it gets better, i still miss her terribly but the weight of the grief gets easier to carry over time. You learn to live without them. The first year without her i was in a fog, i remember i would almost stop in my tracks remembering she was gone and i couldn't comprehend it. You will be ok, you will adjust to a new life without her. Big hugs OP

I would recommend bereavement therapy or somewhere you can talk about your Mum. Quite a few churches have bereavement groups that meet once a month. They are not religious groups - just groups where there are people with whom you can share a cup of tea and talk to about your loss. If in a couple of months' time you feel you are not coping, speak to your health visitor or doctor as the NHS also do counselling. I was lucky enough to benefit from this. The wait at my doctors was just three months and I only needed to go three times. I talked about my loss and the counsellor gave me coping strategies. It was very helpful. x

Not my mum but I was really close to my dad. It was the oddest thing and made me realise that I don't feel grief like other people. My youngest had just been born and he'd never had a chance to get to meet him. I was in shock for close to 6 months, I think and then I started crying every day and not understanding why. The overwhelm of having a baby just took over. When I think about him I still miss him. I've dealt with it as best I can by trying to live my life as he would want me too (he never actually saw me completely happy with myself) but it's still hard. Sometimes, I still dream about him. He's with me.