Has anyone lost their mum? Did it ever get better?

[Justanotherusername27]

Sorry to post on this thread but people on bereavement are in a similar predicament to me and I just want someone a while down this road to give me some hope.

I lost my mum, best friend, saw her every day, me and my son lived with her for a long time, holidays, video calls advice etc a few weeks back. The dream parent, dream grandmother and perfect. She was normal until December, got told she had stage 4 cancer and died at the start of March. It’s her funeral on Monday. I’m absolutely devastated. My world has been torn apart, I feel, and somewhere I know (hope) it’s not true but I will never be happy again.

Mine and my families worlds have been blown apart, everyone is struggling significantly and everyone has undergone a personality change. My mum was everything to everyone. It was traumatic what happened, she was in early sixties, fit and healthy and did not want to die. It happened suddenly.

If I didn’t have children I’m not 100% sure I wouldn’t have joined her on the other side but I can’t put them in this position but I just want some hope.

I know and understand I’m going to be in pain for a long time, grief is love and I love her endlessly. But I want to know if I’ll ever get through this and not feel so devastated forever. I’ve seen people write things years after the fact and they’re still devastated and never got past it. I don’t want my life to be like that I just need some advice on how to get through. People tell me ‘grieve your own way, feel your feelings’ but it doesn’t help me. I need to know, if it’s possible to move on, still respecting and honouring my mum, but to be happy like she would want.. how do you deal with this level of loss?

I lost my mum suddenly and without warning while my little baby was 3 months old. She was my absolute rock and I talked to her or visited her every single day. I don't even remember the early months of losing her, I think it's from the trauma of it all. It definitely gets easier, I am now able to think about the happy memories with her without always just thinking about the fact she's gone. I still miss her, and wish I could talk to her just once more, and some days the gut wrenching grief reruns and swallows me again. I will certainly never accept she's gone, but I have started to process it more. The biggest thing that helped me is reading people's stories of near death experiences and how beautiful the other side is and how happy and amazing heaven is. It helps me picture my mum with a beautiful big smile waiting for the day we are reunited xxx

I am very sorry about your mum. 💐

You don't "move on", but you learn to carry her with you.

You still have a relationship with someone after they die - who you are is shaped by the influence they had on you and the experiences you shared when they were alive, you can still revisit conversations and advice they gave you, you can still ask yourself "what would mum say/do?" when faced with challenges. It's not the same of course, but the relationship doesn't end and you don't have to leave her behind or try and act like she was never here.

It's very very early days for you. The bereavement charities - Cruse, Marie Curie, and Sue Ryder - have lots of information and advice pages on their website. I found it helpful and comforting to be able to read them and make sense of how I was feeling.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/effects-of-grief/how-long-does-grief-last/

https://sueryder.grief.coach/

https://www.sueryder.org/grief-support/online-bereavement-support/

https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends

Ah op I'm so very sorry for your loss.
I lost my mum 2 years ago in similar sudden circumstances. I had one little one then, who loved my mum so much. Now I have another, who will never meet her. What I found the worst was the loss of it for my daughter... Or my mum not getting to see her grow. In time, the way I feel about that has changed.
I miss my mum so much. It doesn't get easier, but you get used to it. I think of her all the time. Sometimes I think it's like she never even existed. But I talk about her all the time with my children, and with those around me.
The pp who said your relationship with the person you lost continues, is right. Someone said that to me a couple of days after my mum died and I just thought oh fuck off 😂 But now I see, my mum is still here in so much I do and say, in my children.... There is nothing like losing your mother, who grew you and birthed you. It's a terrible trauma and you must be kind to yourself. Keep going.

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

My mum died of a heart attack 17 years ago at the age of 68 and although it does get easier I still say 'I want my mum' in my head a million times a day 😔

There will come a time where you don't cry anymore at the thought of her, I promise. Sending you the biggest hugs 💐

I lost my mum, who was the glue for everyone, in 2020. Early 60s, retired less than 2 years. She had stage 4 cancer at diagnosis and was gone in under a year, died when I was pregnant.

i feel that my life was completely derailed by her diagnosis and death. We were on one track, and now on such a different trajectory and direction that was seemingly impossible. Our immediate family scattered and I barely recognise some things about myself and life now. How can it be possible she isn’t here, doesn’t know my children, won’t ever pop round for a tea ever again.

BUT. I can still be happy. I still can laugh and enjoy things and look forward to life. I still talk about her all the time; wonder what she would say to some things and ask myself what she would do. It’s not the same, I’m not the same. Grief isn’t linear, it’s like an injury that flares and recovers and twinges.

i wish you well. The hardest part is trying to live without bitterness at how unfair it is your mum is gone. But it’s absolutely possible to recover. You just won’t be the same version of yourself. Sending love.

I feel like life doesn’t go on, but you adjust to a new life. In time.

My mum was diagnosed with cancer in late March last year. And she died on 1st June

I’m still often caught out by thinking, “I’ll phone Mum” and then remembering,

@eyebagsfordays i definitely believe I will see her again. Some nights I weigh up whether I’d rather be here or with my mum which is awful and dark and I wouldn’t do it to my children. I’ve already booked in with mediums! My sister saw one the other day.

will defo look into bereavement support after the funeral. I’m dreading it. I was looking forward to the family gathering aspect of it until this morning but I can’t cope with everyone crying and seeing the coffin etc. I wouldn’t put it past myself to have a breakdown and try get in there with her! I just hope I can hold it together x

I'm sorry for your loss. I wish I had some comforting words to say, but unfortunately, I don't. However, everyone's journey with grief is unique and different. So what I'm going to say is just what's happened to me.

It's 19 years since I lost my mum. It still hurts like hell, and my heart is just as broken as it was when she passed.

I have had some happy life events since her death, so I can't say I've not been happy. However, those happy moments are tinged with sadness because of her absence.

What I do is talk about her A LOT to my dc. It's kept her memory alive. I can still hear her voice, and once in a while, I have dreams of her.

The difference between now and when it first happened is that, now, my tears don't physically run down my face at every thought of her. Instead, it's just an ache in my chest.

On the plus side, it's helped me talk openly about death to my dc. How to cope and how life becomes different. And to understand that the pain I feel is because of the love we shared and what a great mum she was. So I celebrate that.

My advice would be to encourage your siblings (if you have any) and surviving parent (if applicable) to talk about her amongst yourselves. In our case, the boys completely shut down while the girls wanted to talk but ended up not talking to spare the boys' feelings.

19 years down the line, we have slowly become fragmented from the family unit we once were, which has unfortunately added to the grief.

We are lucky to know such grief because it means we were lucky to be blessed by such wonderful mums. (I'll take my silver linings anywhere I can find them). I wish you and your family the best 😍.

I'm a year and 3 months on...

It is easier. My mam also died very suddenly, she hadn't even been ill. It was horrific, the shock especially!

But I'm doing ok. You are still in the early days. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Justanotherusername27 .Im sorry you are feeling so sad.Its a terrible loss .Cruse are a good place for counselling when /if you need to talk in real life . The poem "Death is nothing "by Henry Scott Holland is very poignant. When my Mum died I felt numb ,it does get easier ,but its a long process .You and your Sis can take comfort with each other and remember all the good times you shared .Much love and hugs to you.Thinking of you on Monday

That sounds so hard, with your closeness and how suddenly she went as well. It won't magic the pain and loss away, but have you thought about talking to a grief therapist or joined a group in 'real life' that might be going through the same experience?

I'm not sure if people 'deal' with grief like that as if it's a solid, tangible thing, with a clear beginning & end. People 'deal' with it when they're not noticing. Like maybe on month 1 you cry a certain amount of times per day or per week, and by month 6, this might have lessened, but it may not be that noticeable to you. Then maybe you have a hard month and return to where you were previously in your healing.

Im so very sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum 6 years ago from cancer. I was utterly heart broken for a long while and I too thought I would live with that heartbreak forever but the grief does change over time. I no longer feel heartbroken. I feel sad and i feel life is unfair as she should be here. I miss her. But life does go on. I smile, i laugh, i have good/fun days, i genuinely enjoy life. I think about her every single day and I do get a really heavy feeling in my heart sometimes. You will be ok. You will get through this. As time goes on its easier to remember all the good times and your no longer focused on the end devastating part. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself and be very patient with yourself. Sending you lots of love x

It has got easier for me 6 years on. I have times when I still cry as hard as the day she died but those days are infrequent now. But when I miss her i miss her just as much.

Ps sorry for your loss and sending love. I made masses of Photobooks they really helped me focus on happy memories.

I'm so sorry for your loss .. I lost my own Mum 2.5 yrs ago and had also just discovered that my husband was having an affair, I just couldn't believe that God took my Mum when I needed her most and I'd lost two of the most precious people in my life . It does get easier but I do live with a sadness and I wish I had my husband to lean on after my Mum's passing but I was so disappointed in him with his betrayal that I just felt so alone ..I'm now going ahead with divorce and God how I wish I could have my Mum to talk to , even though I've lots of good friends it's just not the same as having your Mum for Support ..

Sorry for your loss, it's a horrible time

But... you'll be fine. You re easy for me to say that but it's true. My mum died in 2019. We used to speak every single day , multiple times and were very close. I was lucky enough to be with her when she died and I was holding her hand and crying and I think I said something like 'what am I going to do?' and she said ' well you're going to stop all this nonsense for a start!' so that was me told!

I knew my mum so well that I can predict how she'd react to something now and that helps. An example of this was when I was in Waitrose the other day and some lovely pastel roses caught my eye and I thought 'ooh mum would love those , I should get them' ... I looked at the price - £15 - and then thought 'hmm, bit pricey' and walked off

A little internal voice said to me 'err sorry?! I'm your mother! I deserve those roses!' so the upshot of it was .. I bought the roses

So this sort of thing comforts me. I know how she wants me to carry on and I know how proud she was of her grandchildren etc and how she wouldn't want them to be always upset

So that old cliche 'time' is what you need and you won't get that yet but it'll come

My mum died in October 2022. I had the worst few months of my life but it does get 'easier' I still miss her every day but I am not in floods of tears every time I think of her like I was in those first few months.

My wonderful mum died 26 years ago this year. Same experience as all the sad stories on here, you really do learn to live with it though. I don't mean this in a heartless way, more to give you hope really, but some days I forget to think about her at all (then feel guilty and sad obviously) it just all seems so so long ago. I was on anti depressants and had therapy for a year afterwards so I really do understand the utter devastation you feel at the time. I'd say it took me 2 good years to begin to surface .

Hugs and love to you all xxx ❤️

I'm so sorry sorry for your lost.

I dread losing my mum. She is everything to me. Best friends. She tells me all the time " don't you dare let it ruin your life. You can be sad and mourn me but you move on. Il be pissed if you don't" 🤣 which is what her mum told her.

Her mum died when my mum was 23 and had a 7 week old baby at home. She had chest pain the day before, went to gp who told her it was heartburn and to eat something menthol. She died of a heart attack at work the next day. She was 47. My mum said if it wasn't for my brother she's certain she wouldn't have carried on.

For my mum who has been through many traumas in her life I can tell you it does get easier and the pain does dull but it will flare up now and then. I never met my nan but allowing my mum to speak about her and ask questions does help.

I wish you nothing but happiness and a little quote that helped me was "live a life worth telling them about when you see them again".

I lost my Mum in May 2014 from cancer. She was gone 6 weeks after being ill, and cancer was only confirmed 24 hours before she passed. She was only 62 and had just retired. Such a shock.

not only did me and my brother have to deal with our own grief, we had to support my dad who was blindsided by it. Plus deal with our own children who ranged from 9 to 5 mths.

I had several courses of bereavement counselling and recommended Cruse. I saw a private counsellor/psychologist who said I had PTSD from it.

the first year was the worst. Time does help. I still do get upset at times even nearly 10 years on, but not as heartbreaking as the first year.

now I just wish that my mum was here to see the children grow up and so that I could talk to her about where I am in life. My dad was a shell of himself so we did in effect lose both parents and the children their grandparents. My dad is more like his old self now, who remarried last year. But that opens up a whole bunch of other emotions and issues.

do look at counselling as it did really help. Thinking of you x

Yes I agree with this. While you are reeling initially, you have to try to focus on how lucky you were to have them, to have had a parent like them. I catch myself saying or doing a certain hand movement or something and I think “that was them, their influence in me”. They live on in you. In your heart, your head and your memories. And while you will always remember miss them and wish they were there, and some days you’ll still cry years down the line, you’ll also smile at some memories too.

So sorry for your loss.

Mu Mum died 3 yrs ago. Suddenly. 1st year shock. 2nd year was harder as you had come out of shock and numbness. She really wasn't coming back.
In all honesty my children kept me going. And making sure my Dad was as ok as could be.

You just have to keep going.

Sometimes I get angry and then I think about why. And it comes down to the fact my Mum is dead. I didn't think thst would be my life for a long time.

Please get help if you can x

Oh gosh, losing your mum is incredibly hard. I'm so sorry for your loss. I was very much like you, my mum was my best friend and I couldn't imagine life without her.
When she died almost 10 years ago it was the most painful thing I've ever had to deal with. I would find myself talking to her and asking her to come and take me with her. I didn't have children at the time so she never got to meet her grandkids.
I won't say it gets easier because it doesn't, you just learn how to carry on and remember all the good times. It still gets to me even now but I know she'd be devastated if I was upset all the time. I still get kind of jealous of friends who still have their mum which is ridiculous but I can't help it. And I often feel guilty that she didnt get to live out her life in the way she would've wanted but I'm now able to talk about her and how great she was.
Right now you'll feel like there's no way forward and no way out of this massive black hole but eventually you will learn to live in this new reality where your mum is in your memories.

I'm a mum of adult daughters, and 70 is looming.

Do you know what's on my mind the most? Not what my death means for me, but the distress and stress that it will mean for my daughters.

The last thing your mum would have wanted is for her death to blight your life. That doesn't mean that you should bury your grief and not acknowledge it. But I hope that my girls will be able to seek bereavement counselling (and that I'll have left them enough money for them to afford it), that they'll be able to still enjoy life, and that the grief 'journey' will be uncomplicated for them.

My own mum has just died. Unlike your mum, she was not a good mum. My childhood was awful and my relationship with her as an adult was duty only. Neither I nor my brother are feeling grief. It's disconcerting. But there is nothing about her that we'll miss, and our lives will be easier without her. That's really sad.

So I've been thinking about this a lot. Which would I prefer? For my children to not feel any pain at my passing because they don't love me, or for them to be devastated because they did?
I don't know the answer, but I hope that it's better to have a happy lfe and be loved (though it leads to deep grief) than to be unloved and be spared grief.

I don't know if this helps. But if you can be glad of what you had, and get some help to work through your grief so that it can become manageable, maybe you can come through this better than you expect. And that's what your mum would want.

I'm so, so sorry that you lost her. She sounds wonderful.