Has anyone lost their mum? Did it ever get better?

[Justanotherusername27]

Sorry to post on this thread but people on bereavement are in a similar predicament to me and I just want someone a while down this road to give me some hope.

I lost my mum, best friend, saw her every day, me and my son lived with her for a long time, holidays, video calls advice etc a few weeks back. The dream parent, dream grandmother and perfect. She was normal until December, got told she had stage 4 cancer and died at the start of March. It’s her funeral on Monday. I’m absolutely devastated. My world has been torn apart, I feel, and somewhere I know (hope) it’s not true but I will never be happy again.

Mine and my families worlds have been blown apart, everyone is struggling significantly and everyone has undergone a personality change. My mum was everything to everyone. It was traumatic what happened, she was in early sixties, fit and healthy and did not want to die. It happened suddenly.

If I didn’t have children I’m not 100% sure I wouldn’t have joined her on the other side but I can’t put them in this position but I just want some hope.

I know and understand I’m going to be in pain for a long time, grief is love and I love her endlessly. But I want to know if I’ll ever get through this and not feel so devastated forever. I’ve seen people write things years after the fact and they’re still devastated and never got past it. I don’t want my life to be like that I just need some advice on how to get through. People tell me ‘grieve your own way, feel your feelings’ but it doesn’t help me. I need to know, if it’s possible to move on, still respecting and honouring my mum, but to be happy like she would want.. how do you deal with this level of loss?

Lost my mum in 2012. My best friend, my confidante, probably one of the very few people in the world I never tired of, I never thought I'd live a normal life again..but I have..

I still miss her, I'll never stop, but the gut wrenching loss subsided.

So raw for you OP, such early days..

We all deal with it differently, grief is a very odd & hard thing to deal with, so I can't answer for you.

I had a really dark year to year & a half afterwards, then it just seemed lighter, can't really explain why, just slowly turned into a different & better more healthy view of it.

It does get easier but it takes a long, long time. I lost my DM when I was mid-20s and she was in her 50s.

My mother died from cancer 22 years ago. I was 20 at the time and she was 50. In her last stages of illness I just wanted her to die. Not so much because it would have ended her pain, but because i thought it would end mine. I thought that the day she died was going to be day 1 of healing for me… Silly me, I thought that within a couple of years my life would be back to normal.

Anyway, she died, and for the first year or so I felt ok. Not much pain, except for the dreams - I would dream that she got better, that she didn’t die, only to wake up and realise she was indeed dead. I dreamed this so often, God, such torture. And then, after a year or so of denial, the pain hit… Unfortunately, my family never spoke about my mother after she died and I never had any grief counselling. It took me well over 15 years to process her death. I would sometimes think I was ok, but I wasn’t. I watched a movie called ‘’A monster calls’’ a few years ago. Dear God, I cried throughout the movie and the whole night after I watched it. My sister did the same (watched it at different time). The pain was surreal…

Im sorry OP, I know you wanted to know when/if it would get better. It does… I haven’t felt that sad for the last 5 years. I don’t get triggered by movies or memories in the same way I used to. I am still sad. I have accepted that my life has changed when she died and it would never be the same. I am not angry anymore. I found one of her photos in a drawer the other day and I didn’t cry. I don’t remember her voice anymore. I accepted that some people have mothers and some don’t…It gets better. I’m sad writing this but I’m not crying. So I guess it gets better.

i’ve always wanted to have a daughter so I could give her her name. But I never had children.
Her name was Olimpia.

15 years on and yes, time heals. I still miss her, of course (and my dad) but the pain subsides. I remember the happy times we had and think about how fortunate I was.

I was in a daze for the first six months after my Mum died in my 20’s. I went to work, but I couldn’t face socializing except with old, close friends who’d known her. Be kind to yourself, OP, you’ve lost someone extremely important to you and you need to grieve.

As PP’s have said, it will get better. It’s been over 20 years now and I remember her with love more than sadness. I sometimes talk about her with my children and I can see some of her traits in them, even though she never met them. You may also find it comforting to talk to your children about your Mum-she’s a part of them. 💐

My experience is exactly like the shipwreck analogy above. Every now and then I cry and 'storm' like it's just happened. But after 8 years I know that it will pass, and in an hour or so I will be smiling at happy memories, and trying to channel the things I learnt from her into my life again. I find it's when I've 'lost my way' a bit and reconnecting mentally to her re-centres me, but I find it just as painful as ever. I am finding it not a terrible experience anymore but also not one I would ever choose. I learn and grow from it. I have to learnt and grow from it or else it is pointless pain. At the start it was pointless pain, and time has made me able to get a pattern of dealing with it, channeling it, I suppose.

When someone first told me it gets better I wanted to smack them, I couldn't see how I would ever feel better. When my mum died my heart physically hurt I felt as though I had been broken into millions of pieces and I had no idea how to begin to pick them up. The analogy of waves is a good one, in the beginning it was like a tsunami I'd wake up crying, I cried everyday for a year or more but slowly things did get better.

I quite like this analogy too.

www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/

Everyone grieves differently, me personally I found it less painful to lean into my grief instead of trying to avoid it. When I cried, I'd let myself cry until I couldn't anymore, I wasn't afraid to feel like shit because I knew that one day I wouldn't feel the same way because nothing stays the same forever.

It's such early days, being kind to yourself and allowing yourself to grieve is in itself healing.

Wishing you strength for the coming days 💐

OP I'm so sorry for your loss.
Both my parents had cancer and it is awful to watch someone die like this.
My DM is still here. Df died when it went to his brain.
Tbh I read lots about people saying the grief lasts for yrs so I worried about losing him and thought the initial grief would feel the same years on.
It doesnt.Perhaps this is because he was in his 70s.
Also my df always wanted me to be happy so that is how I proceeded.
What would Dad want.
Workwise I just taken a new job so I threw myself into it wholeheartedly.
I would suggest two things.
First contact Macmillan cancer who can help you come to terms with the sudden progression and anger of cancer .
Next I would remind yourself you have your mum's resilience and when days are tough think what would mum do.
Knowing her spirit is within you will definitely help.

🤗

Thank you all so so much. Just reread these to prepare me. Funeral is tomorrow, hundreds expected. I felt brave before and have written a speech but I honestly want to hide under the covers!

again thank you so much for sharing your stories xx

I just cannot believe it’s happening x

You'll get through tomorrow, just as you've gotten through every day up till now. And then you'll get through the day after that, and the day after that.

And one day you'll be able to think of her without getting that horrible stabbing pain, and then one day you'll realise you've not thought of her at all that day.

Every one of these little milestones will make you feel guilty as hell, but they're part of the grieving process, and everyone goes through them.

I don't think it ever stops hurting, but the hurt dulls, like an old injury.

I really hope everything went ok as can be hoped for on 25th OP.

Sending much love xx

Thank you💕 was a very tearful service but we all managed to get through our speeches and there was 173 people crammed into the church (more that couldn’t make it!). It was nice to be surrounded by people who adore my mum as we do. Just still can’t believe it’s real. I talk to her all the time xx

It's so so soon, try and take some comfort from all the people around you who loved your mum so much, it's very hard and I honestly think you have to give in to the feelings and don't try and fight them ❤️ xxx

I'm sure she was so proud of you looking down on you today from her heavely home.. I always had a fear from a very young age about losing my Mum. Life has definitely changed forever but you learn to live with it .. I find songs can really upset me especially songs that reminds me of happier days growing up with Mam .. I sometimes feel a bit jealous of friends who still have their Mums .You'll be glad you had such a close bond with her and that you spend so much time with her , as I know a friend who lost her Mum and felt awful guilt after she died as she hadn't spent as much time as she could have had with her , so in time you'll appreciate that .. Just remember that she would want you to be happy and to live your best life .. Life is not always fair .. Be kind to yourself xxx

I know the pain too well. I lost my mum last month unexpectedly bro a sudden brain bleed. She was 57 and I’ve been finding it so hard to process, knowing that actually she was so very young

I lost my mum when I was in my 20's. You never really get over it but you learn to live with it. I'm sad mainly that she never got to meet my son who would have loved his Nan. It's complicated as we had issues with my dad (alcoholism) and I have hundreds of questions that only she could answer. But I miss her all the time and 20+ years later I still wish I could call her. It's really hard but you do survive xx

I lost my mum 3 years ago, just as we were really beginning to come out of Covid. I feel (similarly to a PP) that my life is split into two parts - before and after her death; the Covid thing is also mixed up in that somehow for me and even the mention of lockdown is a real flashpoint of grief even now.

Does it get better? No. Does it get different? Yes. There are a couple of quotes/memes that have helped me. One is the idea that your loss is a hole in your heart/body that the rest of you heals around - not over, and not filling, but around, and your life adapts to that hole always being there. The other is a Winnie the Pooh - odd, as I've never been a big fan! It's something along the lines of don't look back to the person you were yesterday because that person is gone and you're a different person now. It sounds really negative but it's really helped me move forward.

I hope you can find some peace

I lost my mother in my teens. I feel sad for myself now as my kids get older and I realise how much they need me and how on my own I was.

But yes it gets better, time is a great healer. I dealt with most of my sadness when I had my first child. I think that it really depends on the relationship. My aunt also lost her mother in her teens and wakes up every morning with that memory but in time my pain has dimmed.

Mind yourself. The death of your mother is one of the greatest sadness's we will have in our lives.

I’m so sorry. My DM died in early March over 30 years ago- she was in her forties. Yes, it gets easier, but I can hear a piece of music or smell a perfume and I’m back there. It was hard when I had my babies.

I kept going(was a student) because I knew that’s what she wanted. I also had her mum, my Gran, to keep an eye on, and I had her for a few more years which was wonderful. She was a great lady - but it must have been hard for her seeing me graduate and get married when my mum wasn’t there.
💐

Two years next month.

It gets easier. The waves of grief still come but they’re shorter. I still have things that will instantly make me cry. My birthday is the day after she died (she wouldn’t have died on my birthday because then it would always be about her and she wouldn’t have wanted that!). This year it’s a significant birthday. Was speaking to dad recently and he mentioned that he’d found a couple of birthday cards mum must have bought and out in the desk. He hasn’t found them before now, so of course I’m getting a card from my mum on my big birthday 😍 She also had an orchid that we both loved and could never get to flower. Hasn't flowered for at least 10 years. Dad showed me it this week and it’s in full flower and looks incredible. Of course!

I have a metaphorical box I keep the pain in and only open it when I can deal with it. We had lots of shared interests so it’s difficult to avoid some things. She was a music teacher and my childhood was full of music and she could name/play anything someone hummed. I still can’t listen to classical music because it’s just too painful and I know she would hate that.

She will always be with you. You will start to notice little things that happen that are her reaching out at just the right moment. A feather randomly floating in front of you, a ray of sunshine in a dark sky, finding something in a place you’ve already checked. Mine is butterflies 😊

Mum’s never leave. They just do it from further away xxx

Sorry for your loss @Justanotherusername27. To all those who've lost their Mum.

I lost my Mum 4 years ago. Yes, it does get easier, but its a hard road.

Time doesnt heal as such, but time does accommodate. Its only been in the past 6 months or so that the world has felt 'normal' without my Mum in it. I'll always miss her, but I guess I'm established now and happy in this new era of my life.

Go gently, take care 😊

Another member of the shitty lost my mum too young club, I’d just turned 40 , she was 67. Just before Covid. A pp said it feels like life is in two sections, with mum and now life without her. It’s been 4 years. I’m mostly ok. Had a huge blip around the anniversary a couple of months ago, major. One day when I thought I couldn’t bear it anymore and I just couldn’t stop crying I went outside and there was a rainbow and I know it was her calming me down. It helped.
No one else is in your shoes however there are so many of us who know how bad it was for us. One day at a time, do what you have to do to get through then cry but also laugh and talk about her all the time. We talk about mum in everything we do, wonder what she’d think of this or that.
my dad has met someone new so that’s the latest challenge but I’m happy that he’s happy again after 4 long lonely years.
Big love xx