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Original poster

Partner visiting family when baby is here

58 replies

Reefraf · 17/03/2024 12:55

I’m looking for some advice on how to approach this situation once our baby is here.

DPs family live 1hr30min drive away. His dad has had a medical condition for 25 years or so, which has gotten progressively worse over the years and he is not in very good health. He is more or less house bound. His mum and sister live at home with his dad, both of which do not drive.

DP has a close relationship with his mum and sister and likes to go and visit every 3 or 4 weeks or so. Due to the distance, he stays over for at least one night.

If his dad falls ill and needs to go to hospital (which happens around 3 or 4 times a year), DP makes an impromptu visit for a few nights to support his mum and his sister and to visit his dad, using sick leave from work.

At the moment this is no issue as it’s just us and the dog. I’m pregnant and am thinking forward to when the baby is here and whilst I’m sympathetic that he wants to spend time with his family, I’m conscious that it’ll be a lot of work for me to be left on my own with the baby and the dog.

I of course won’t be unreasonable and say he can’t go visit his family but I’m hoping there will be some sort of happy medium. I mentioned this to him and it hadn’t even crossed his mind that it will be logistically harder for him to visit family.

For example, my sister lives the same distance away and I drive there and back to see her in one day. He said there is no point in doing this as he’d only be there for a few hours.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation?

OP posts:
Mazuslongtoenail · 17/03/2024 12:58

I think overnight once a month for an ill parent is perfectly reasonable if there’s just one child to look after personally. The dog can be walked with a baby in the buggy.

SlashBeef · 17/03/2024 12:59

In what way will it be a lot of work OP? If you really think about it, it's not a huge problem. I think you're worrying prematurely and maybe making it more of a big deal than it needs to be. You're capable of having the little one on your own overnight if necessary, even if it seems a little overwhelming now.

If his dad falls ill and he needs to go for a few nights just cross that bridge when you come to it.

Scaffoldingisugly · 17/03/2024 13:00

You will be more than fine with 1 ddog and 1 dc.. You aren't very sympathetic to the fact your fil hasn't got a great life. Visitors will make a big difference to his life I imagine... Presumably you knew fil was poorly before you had 1 dog and 1 dc?

MCOut · 17/03/2024 13:02

I think at absolute most you can ask him to limit the social visits to two nights, but truthfully, I think you will be fine and there is probably no reason for you to change the existing set up

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/03/2024 13:03

It’s one child and a dog. You’ll be fine.

AuContraire · 17/03/2024 13:03

For example, my sister lives the same distance away and I drive there and back to see her in one day. He said there is no point in doing this as he’d only be there for a few hours.

Well, I mean, that's clearly nonsense. Many people do that as a commute to work. He can leave at 730, be there for 9am, and cone home late evening.

But that aside - I think you'll be fine with the dog and baby. But alternatively, he could take the dog with him if he wants to stay overnight?

perfectcolourfound · 17/03/2024 13:06

I also think you're worrying over something that won't be an issue.

Many people manage as single parents, or their OH works away regularly, or they do shifts and so only one person is at home at a time.

One night / two days a month doesn't seem unreasonable for visiting family including an ill parent.

RandomMess · 17/03/2024 13:07

He may have to rethink using his "sick leave" once you return to work and you both need to juggle the baby missing childcare. I find it odd that stays over for a planned social visit. More understandable when his Dad is actually unwell and his mum needs support.

BoohooWoohoo · 17/03/2024 13:08

Won’t FIL want to see his grandbaby?

SignoraVolpe · 17/03/2024 13:11

You’ve got a good man who cares about his family.

Just get him to plan the visits ahead where possible and to be open to cancelling if you need him at home.

How are you planning on introducing the baby to your dh’s family?

LiveLaughCryalot · 17/03/2024 13:15

OP, you got pregnant fully aware of his circumstances. You would be so unbelievably unreasonable to ask him to change what he does now. You made a choice. I think he is admirable and doing a good thing for his parents. Dont be that person who makes a choice but then demands everything changes to suit them. He will resent it eventually and resentment is poison in a relationship. You will both be fine.

Needmorelego · 17/03/2024 13:19

Do you never go with him?
They might enjoy seeing the baby (and you and the dog).

stayathomer · 17/03/2024 13:19

Could you and the baby not go too? The one thing we learnt with babies is that if you plan a rigid routine in terms of visiting etc everything gets more stressful times a hundred! Dog goes to kennel, baby goes into baby seat, a few million bags go in the boot of the car and off you go!!

OneMoreTime23 · 17/03/2024 13:19

My DH worked away 5.5 days a week for DD’s first 18 months. Had no family within 5000 miles. Yes, it was hard work, but you cope because you have to.

You’re talking about much less time, plus you could actually go with him and let your baby spend time with their grandparents.

Original poster
Reefraf · 17/03/2024 13:22

Thank you for your helpful responses, it helps to put things in to perspective.

He isn’t able to take the dog as the dog doesn’t settle at his parents due to their dog. There also isn’t an option for us all to go and stay over more than twice a year to be honest as they live in a remote but touristy area where accommodation is at least £120 per night so we couldn’t afford to do this all too often.

I’m glad to hear that the thought of being on my own with the baby overnight by myself once every few weeks is worse than the reality

OP posts:
Original poster
Reefraf · 17/03/2024 13:24

Just to add, I have no issue spending time with DPs family. We get on very well and of course they’d like to see their grandchild. But there is no affordable accommodation and no space for us in the family home (DP sleeps on couch when he visits). I usually visit twice per year for 2 nights at a time as that’s all we can afford in terms of accommodation.

Id have no issue going there and back in one day, but DP says it’s pointless for a few hours of visiting

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 17/03/2024 13:29

I also think you are worrying prematurely.
First baby is an unknown and you don’t know how it all will be. So - it’s natural to worry.

And - as others said - you will be fine with a baby and a dog for a night or two once you get over the birth and early weeks of adjustment to life with baby.

Your partner seems like a nice and caring man. He also has no idea what it means to take care of a baby.
Once you crossed that bridge - i am sure you will figure out what works and what needs to happen.

He does not sound like a guy who will leave you on your own if you are not well enough to be able care for your baby without him.

CatOnTheLap · 17/03/2024 14:09

OP I agree with you that if the PILs are only an hour and a half away, you can go there and back the same day. I travel that for work every day. Does your DH get anxious about driving or does he not like driving at night? If that’s the issue, could you offer to share the driving so he drives there and you drive back the same day?

Original poster
Reefraf · 17/03/2024 14:30

Thanks @CatOnTheLap, he’s not an anxious driver. I think he just wants to maximise the amount of time spent with them to be honest. He will leave about 8am, stay over and then return around 8pm the following day

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 17/03/2024 14:34

You learn to manage one night a month in your own.

Or you and baby go with him and bust with his family.

BruFord · 17/03/2024 14:37

As PP’s have said, you’ll be fine. I can understand that you’re anxious as a new Mum, but once you’ve recovered from the birth and into a routine with your little one, you’ll be fine.

My DH traveled a fair amount for work when my two were little so I know what it’s like coping on your own-it’s honestly fine. Congratulations on your baby! 💐

Mischance · 17/03/2024 14:40

"Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

I think you are jumping the gun here. His visits do not sound unreasonable, and you are in agreement with that - and it marks him out as a decent man. You do not know how things will be when the baby is born - it may all go swimmingly. Lots of single parents manage a baby and a dog all the time. Hang on and wait and see how things are when the baby is actually here.

JollyHostess101 · 17/03/2024 15:04

Go visit a sling library/consultant and get a decent baby carrier for dog walks and you’ll be away for the dog walks!!

MalbecandToast · 18/03/2024 14:14

sorry to agree with everyone else OP but one baby and a dog will be a doddle. Walk the dog with the baby in a pram/sling, its good for the dog and for you both to get fresh air too. My other half goes away for 6 months at a time, we have three children and a dog and I work full time - you just find a way that works and you manage, its fine😊He sounds like a great guy.

Kindofcrunchy · 18/03/2024 14:20

Presumably he'll be agreeing to you doing the same thing if you want to? Personally I would not be happy with an overnight stay especially in the newborn days. Plus if you're unlucky and baby has colic symptoms it will be very very hard.

Just because single parents have to do it on their own, doesn't mean you have to.

Also his sister needs to learn to drive and not rely on him for hospital trips.

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