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Original poster

Partner visiting family when baby is here

58 replies

Reefraf · 17/03/2024 12:55

I’m looking for some advice on how to approach this situation once our baby is here.

DPs family live 1hr30min drive away. His dad has had a medical condition for 25 years or so, which has gotten progressively worse over the years and he is not in very good health. He is more or less house bound. His mum and sister live at home with his dad, both of which do not drive.

DP has a close relationship with his mum and sister and likes to go and visit every 3 or 4 weeks or so. Due to the distance, he stays over for at least one night.

If his dad falls ill and needs to go to hospital (which happens around 3 or 4 times a year), DP makes an impromptu visit for a few nights to support his mum and his sister and to visit his dad, using sick leave from work.

At the moment this is no issue as it’s just us and the dog. I’m pregnant and am thinking forward to when the baby is here and whilst I’m sympathetic that he wants to spend time with his family, I’m conscious that it’ll be a lot of work for me to be left on my own with the baby and the dog.

I of course won’t be unreasonable and say he can’t go visit his family but I’m hoping there will be some sort of happy medium. I mentioned this to him and it hadn’t even crossed his mind that it will be logistically harder for him to visit family.

For example, my sister lives the same distance away and I drive there and back to see her in one day. He said there is no point in doing this as he’d only be there for a few hours.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation?

OP posts:

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 19/03/2024 00:32

and no need for him to stay the night !
what is he doing ? sitting at his father's bedside during the night, all night - no he's sleeping on the sofa.

So he can leave at 10pm and be home before midnight, if he leaves at 8am to go there he will have a good 12 hours there that is not a few hours.

Ivyy · 19/03/2024 00:58

I wonder if his dm / sis guilt trip him op? It sounds like it's either that or he's just incredibly close to them and wants / needs to spend this time with them, seeing as you mention his relationship with his df isn't good?

I don't think there's any point worrying prematurely, when your baby is here things may change, he might see things completely differently then. Can you just be honest with him and tell him what's on your mind?

My dd is a teen now but if I imagine myself in this situation 14 years ago I'd personally be feeling very anxious, surely that's normal with a first baby and all the unknowns?! I agree 1.5 hours drive is nothing, people drive more than that to work and back every day. It's not about the time spent driving to your dh though, if he's using that as a reason to stay over? It's because he wants to stay over. But as I say that might change completely when your baby arrives. Do you have any support from your own family nearby?

Codlingmoths · 19/03/2024 01:23

LiveLaughCryalot · 17/03/2024 13:15

OP, you got pregnant fully aware of his circumstances. You would be so unbelievably unreasonable to ask him to change what he does now. You made a choice. I think he is admirable and doing a good thing for his parents. Dont be that person who makes a choice but then demands everything changes to suit them. He will resent it eventually and resentment is poison in a relationship. You will both be fine.

Edited

They made a choice. Both of them. Is there a later post where the op says actually I was the only one who wanted a baby? People’s lives change with a baby, everyone knows that. he is knowingly entering into that change and choosing it. If the op is sick, exhausted, baby is sick, lots of reasons it might not suit him to disappear for the night.

op, this bit bothered me: i mentioned this to him and it hadn’t even crossed his mind that it will be logistically harder for him to visit family. I’d sit him down and say I need to talk about this. It sounds like it hasn’t occurred to you your life will change with having a baby. It’s our baby, not mine. I’ll look after it during the day while I’m on leave but we are both parents. Not I’m a parent 24/7 and you when it suits you. When you go out for drinks, you’re leaving me parenting solo, when you go away for the night, you’re leaving me parenting solo. Maybe baby will be easy and that will be fine but maybe baby and dog on my own will seem extremely hard. Can you please remember that you’re asking this of me every time you’re out? We will need to support each other. I just needed to raise this as it sounded like it hadn’t crossed your mind you’d be a parent too when baby arrives.

Muddywalks34 · 19/03/2024 13:09

You will be fine, my DH is often away during the week, I had a baby, a dog and a horse to look after. 11 months after first DD our 2nd child was born, 6 weeks later we got a puppy. So I had a 1 year old a newborn, a dog, a puppy and a horse to look after without any any assistance, life was busy but it was very doable

Nanny0gg · 19/03/2024 13:41

Reefraf · 17/03/2024 13:24

Just to add, I have no issue spending time with DPs family. We get on very well and of course they’d like to see their grandchild. But there is no affordable accommodation and no space for us in the family home (DP sleeps on couch when he visits). I usually visit twice per year for 2 nights at a time as that’s all we can afford in terms of accommodation.

Id have no issue going there and back in one day, but DP says it’s pointless for a few hours of visiting

And that would be harder with the baby because of length of time in the carseat.

Gcsunnyside23 · 19/03/2024 13:56

Nanny0gg · 19/03/2024 13:41

And that would be harder with the baby because of length of time in the carseat.

Show quote history

It's only a 90 minute journey, it's not that far.

Gcsunnyside23 · 19/03/2024 13:59

I don't get the issue. You could all go visit for the day, go early and home late but sounds like you doesn't want to and your husband doesn't want to change going home for the night. I get your husband s position more as he feels guilty not being able to provide hands on support, it's not like he's going in the piss. He's entitled to visit but compromise from both sides would be best here, maybe get could stay over every second month and maybe do a day visit in between. Plus with the baby would you not want to go visit his family who can't travel a bit more so they can bond? If you go 60 mins to your sister then 90 to his isnt a push. But on your actual question, you'll be fine

saraclara · 19/03/2024 14:06

It's bizarre that he won't go up for the day. My mum's care home is further away than that, and I set off at 8am on a Saturday. If he did that, he could be there at 9:30 and stay until 8, very easily. That's 10.5 hours and probably at much as his dad can manage.
I even did a five hour return journey in a day to visit my late MIL. And it was well worth it for both of us.

Having said that, you'll be fine.

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