Partner visiting family when baby is here

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I’m looking for some advice on how to approach this situation once our baby is here.

DPs family live 1hr30min drive away. His dad has had a medical condition for 25 years or so, which has gotten progressively worse over the years and he is not in very good health. He is more or less house bound. His mum and sister live at home with his dad, both of which do not drive.

DP has a close relationship with his mum and sister and likes to go and visit every 3 or 4 weeks or so. Due to the distance, he stays over for at least one night.

If his dad falls ill and needs to go to hospital (which happens around 3 or 4 times a year), DP makes an impromptu visit for a few nights to support his mum and his sister and to visit his dad, using sick leave from work.

At the moment this is no issue as it’s just us and the dog. I’m pregnant and am thinking forward to when the baby is here and whilst I’m sympathetic that he wants to spend time with his family, I’m conscious that it’ll be a lot of work for me to be left on my own with the baby and the dog.

I of course won’t be unreasonable and say he can’t go visit his family but I’m hoping there will be some sort of happy medium. I mentioned this to him and it hadn’t even crossed his mind that it will be logistically harder for him to visit family.

For example, my sister lives the same distance away and I drive there and back to see her in one day. He said there is no point in doing this as he’d only be there for a few hours.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation?

my sister lives the same distance away and I drive there and back to see her in one day. He said there is no point in doing this as he’d only be there for a few hours

Yeah this wouldn't wash with me at all OP. Especially not with a baby.

I had to re-read this as I thought his parents lived a long way away, hence the overnight stay. But 1.5 hours is nothing! He could set off early, come home in the evening.

My DD is at uni nearly 3 hours away, and whilst we do like to turn it into a weekend visit, we have gone there and back in a day several times.

I’m really surprised at a few of the posts as her DH isn’t going off on jollies with his family, he’s supporting his ill Dad with these visits. I agree that he needs to try and stay with the OP when the baby is newborn, but in general, his support for his Dad is heartening, as it shows what a caring person he is.

I have teenagers now, but through the years I’ve left DH in charge when my Dad’s needed help (he has lifelong MH problems and now physical health problems). Not to mention DH’s work travel, which was fairly frequently when our DC’s were babies. Unless the OP is unwell or really not coping, she’ll be fine overnight with say a two-month-old.

I’m surprised that some posters can’t see this.

Yes but the point being is dad is extremely unwell so he probably wants to spend time with him whilst he's still around???

He's supporting an ill parent and I suspect allowing the dad to day carers some much needed respite. I think yabu. It's not a jolly. Perhaps it's the overnight care they need help with.

Could you go as well? Take the dog with you?

Agreed. All I read on the OP is me, me, me! It's one baby and a dog FFS - women all over the world manage this plus much more all the time. How do you think women whose husbands work away / work shifts / are single mums manage?! Your DP clearly needs to be around to help out with his dad and probably wants to spend time with him whilst he's still here which is completely understandable! I'm sure you'll manage the odd day / night on your own.

Can you alternate? One month you and DP both go and take baby, do there and back in a day so GP’s can see the baby. The following month DP goes alone for an overnight? One night away every 8 weeks is more than reasonable if his dad is unwell and he wants to make the most of time spent with him / possibly help mum with a few jobs round the house or have a proper catch up to make sure she’s ok too?

I’d be worried about him losing his job, taking sick leave for a few days 3 or 4 times a year.

I think this level of staying away could become a problem, especially if / when you go back to work.

What is the plan for when (sadly) his Dad gets iller and iller?

Have the family looked at whether he is entitled to Attendance Allowance, which could be used for taxis and other help?

Personally I wouldn’t see the problem with driving 1.5 hours each way on a day trip, that’s normal!

What would you advise your child if it was in this scenario?

His Dad has a long term, chronic illness, which your dp does what he can to offer some support to his carers once every 3 or 4 weeks.
Which shows he is a nice bloke in my book.

YWBVU to expect him to reduce that.

If his sister posted on here about her brother leaving all the care to her, and only popping in once every 3 or 4 weeks to help, and that he was thinking of reducing even that, the answers on here would be quite blunt.

Once past the first 3 or 4 weeks, it really is unlikely to be an issue for you to look after your own baby on your own for 36 hours. It really is very normal for all those Mums in a relationship with anyone who works any sort of shift work to cope overnight, let alone those whose partners work away.
It's one of those things that you might worry about now, but will wonder why you worried after you've done it the first time.

You'll be absolutely fine on your own for a night or two every month.

That said, 1.5 hours isn't far to drive. Dh does that for work once a week in a day to oversee his employees at a site back near where we used to live. Leaves at 7-8am and back by 5-6pm on the same day.

So while I think it's definitely easier to do when you don't have to do the drive up and back in one day, I think there's a difference between staying overnight to provide respite care or avoid being tired while driving, and doing it to get out of family responsibilities and just having a break. As long as it's more the former than the latter, all sounds fine, as long as he can be reasonable and flexible - he may need to rearrange if you/baby/the dog are ill, or if you have an appointment, or work trip or whatever.

Op I do understand your concern and actually i think a grown man who is married with a baby on the way, doesn't need to stay over night at his mums house. I'm sorry that's ridiculous. My mum lived 30 mins away but in traffic on the way home can take well over an hourand half to get home.. that's life! I don't doubt he needs to see his family you fil is unwell, I understand but he can do his duty and come home after! I would understand the odd occasion in a genuine serious situation but not the norm. You don't need to justify being able to cope or not cope with a baby and the dog, he's married to you and needs to consider your feelings too, you want him home at night and he should respect that. 💓

I think that would be fine, but make sure you get a night away/evening out every month too x

@gotmychristmasmiracle I agree that the OP should have breaks too, but helping his ill Dad isn’t exactly a holiday for her DH.

What if one of the OP’s parents became ill and she needed to help out once a month. Should her DH then have weekends away to compensate?

I have a feeling that some posters have never needed to support an ill parent, it’s not a holiday!

Sure they have careers for DH father if this has been going on for years. Sure his mum and sister wait on him whilst he visits also too. Maybe we don't really know enough about the situation. He could also take his child to visit his parents too, sure they would love to see their grandchild.

Agree @BruFord .

What an odd thing for gotmy to say. the dp isn't going out with his mates / doing a hobby here, he is trying to support his family in what much be difficult circumstances.

Some time in the future, OP might need to support someone in her family. Who knows. At that time her dp will hopefully support her in her supporting them. You don't count tit for tat in these circumstances, you respond to life at the time.

Honestly 🙄, he's not in end of life care.... that I totally would understand...

Sorry wife and baby should take priority, they are DH immediate family and care. End of life is totally different to this ongoing situation. BTW I am not saying that he should go.

We’ll agree to disagree @gotmychristmasmiracle . Different families handle situations in different ways. To the OP’s point, I think she’ll be fine once they’re past the immediate newborn stage unless there are unexpected illnesses/problems.

Honestly, donthibk of this as a situation. It really is not a big deal. You will be grand.

The world doesn't stop when a baby is born

Thanks for your responses, it’s been helpful to see it from different points of view. Again I’m glad to hear from those of you who found it easy caring for a newborn on their own.

FIL has carers come in 4 times per day and goes to respite care for one week, every 6 weeks. DP isn’t going to assist with care, he also doesn’t have the best relationship with his dad but that’s not relevant to the post. He goes more to spend time with his mum and sister and will only visit on the weekends they’re off work (every 3 or 4 weekends).

I understand it is hard for him living away from family, especially now that his dad may only have years to live and he feels guilty that his mum and sister live this day in day out. I did offer to move closer to his family last year but he declined

Make sure that his mum and sister have alternative help lined up for the last few weeks of your pregnancy and first few weeks of babies life as you need him to be 100% there for you.

America: where 200 years is considered old

Great Britain: Where driving 200 miles is considered a long way

As OP has already pointed out 90 minutes each way isn't that far and everyone has to compromise more with kids involved. Husband needs to get used to the fact that they're might not be so many overnights.

Does he not realise / know that people drive that daily just to get to work ?