Why do ex wives reach old 15 years post divorce

[Yoe]

Just want to understand this . Husband divorced 1st wife 15 yrs ago we , no kids she filed for divorce no infidelity .

we have been married for 11 years together 14 years we met while he was separated.

Out of the blue she messaged him on FB messenger ( they’re not friends on FB) a simple message asking how he was . He didn’t reply

what do you think her reason for messaging was I told my husband I think she wants to apologise as she was really mean to him during their separation basically he wasn’t good enough , didn’t earn enough, educated enough … he wasn’t enough ….. well in the 15 years he became his best self and achieved all he has his own way and in his own time . Anyone any thoughts what do you think made her reach out

I have tried contacting my zillions of years ago ex husband twice over the last few years. Once because I found his mechanic qualifications in a move and knew they could be hard to replace and I felt morally obliged to return them. Secondly because my wife and I are applying to adopt and they have to do safeguarding checks on all significant ex partners. I can barely remember a thing about the man. We were together for a few years when very young.

I once considered getting in touch with an ex to tell him our dog had died. Changed my mind though as I didn't want him thinking it was an in to reconnecting with him. Do you think he may have looked her up, then she's seen him on people you may know and decided he may be open to a message?

Wants a shag?

Divorcee here. My ex and I have a long history together, from age 20 to 40. We have each moved on, and i (more than him) have been very strict about creating boundaries. Occasionally some news comes my way that frankly it would be unkind to not share - eg a relative unwell, a neighbour passes away, changes in circumstances amongst mutual friends. It doesn’t mean anything about ‘us’ but it acknowledges our long history. If it makes a difference, we Co-parent, so there are overlaps that are relevant to us both. A random ‘how are you?’ might be a segue into a piece of information, so further news might be forthcoming. Or not.

Christ that’s a long wait for a bit of action

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience tbh I think she reached out as so much time has passed it may have been or felt right to say sorry … that’s just my take on it . I don’t think she wanted to rekindle if she did she’d have contacted him much sooner and not waited so long

Found something they bought together in a seaside junk shop in the attic, discovered it is unexpectedly worth hundreds of thousands and is doing the right thing and offering him his fair share…. But hey, you advise him as you see fit…

She's lonely and fancies a shag.

Perhaps he could ask her? Why would anyone not reply?

Why don’t you ask “Why do you want to know after all this time?”

I wouldn't think it was an apology because normally after such a long time I think a person would carefully compose an apology, along with an "I hope this doesn't upset you to hear from me, no need to respond if you don't want to, I just had to get this off my chest" kind of thing. They wouldn't just say Hey, how are you.

But then maybe she's just not very good at apologies.

Maybe she just finished the Saturday of Landmark Forum, where they make you ring up people to say sorry for things that you then have to report back on Sunday morning. Or something along those lines.

If it was a fairly generic "hi how are you" it might not be her. It might be a spambot.

I read this and couldn't figure out why she was reaching online dating after so long and why she was messaging him what online dating had to do with it.

Why have you said wives, like all/most/many ex-wives reach the 15 year mark and then make contact?

Also, I'm 18 years split from my ex. I didn't reach out at 15 years post divorce. I don't know anyone who has reached out after so long with no contact. I haven't had any contact with him since my youngest was 14 or 15. We have no need to be in contact.

Where's your evidence that ex-wives reach out after 15 years? I'm interested as it's really not my experience.

Agree.
I messaged an ex on facebook when i was on social media...i was none of those things. He was a nice guy but wanted commitment too soon.
He was now married with few kids. I genuinely wanted to see how he was and how his family was doing.
Messaged few times, nothing untoward then said take care and just seeing how you all are.

Most of my ex boyfriends have sent a random message years later. I’ve always assumed they were having a nostalgic moment. I have never thought much beyond that. I think it is fairly common for men and women to do this and that you are over thinking it? I don’t think it is specifically ex wives after 15yrs though.

I think your post sounds like a generalisation. I’m not convinced all ex wives reach out. Some are pleased to never have contact I’m sure. My thought would be she has had therapy, or lost a parent that he knew. If he doesn’t ask he won’t know.

What makes you say that. I don’t see why enjoying a bit of speculation about a message from an ex makes you insecure. That’s such a weird MN position 🤣

I've been divorced for 27 years. It sometimes pops into my head that there is a man out there who I said marital vows to, planned children with, bought a family home with who my children ( now adults of 30 and 31) and I have not seen or spoken to for years. If I saw him in the distance in the street I would have to stop for a minute and think why that face was familiar. He held my hand whilst I gave birth to our children.I don't know anything about him now. Sad how that happens .

Ex wives very definitely do not reach out to their exes. That's almost unheard of.

There's really no need to imagine weird and wonderful reasons, the obvious reason is nearly always the right one.

She's almost definitely lonely and fancies a shag.

No, I don't think it's a thing, really.

I think my ex-husband and I message maybe two or three times a year. There's absolutely nothing to it. Nothing sinister. Nobody wants anything from the other.

I reached out to a long term ex. He was my "first love" and our relationship (late teens/early twnties) was very intense. Our split was very acrimonious and I was upset for a few years but I reached out when I'd finally moved on from it and had lost the anger. I would say it's linked to nostalgia and acknowledging you were once so close to someone. We've now been sporadically in contact for decades. He's been married more than once and I've been married too. He seems happy in his current/final marriage. I would never want to rekindle anything - there's a reason it never worked out for us. But I have such a lot of affection for him and my memories of our relationship are happy. I'm glad he's happy now. I'm not sure it answers your question. But I would guess it's about putting whatever unhappy experiences they shared to rest. (Although of course there's always a chance she's looking through rose coloured glasses/ imagining a fond reunion!)

🤔. She’s an ex of 15 years, with whom he has no reason to be in contact. There’s no reason for him to answer unsolicited messages at all and that doesn’t make him a jerk - just someone who protects his time and space, or just doesn’t care about an ancient ex.

I'd be wondering too what she wanted and wait for her to be clearer before engaging.