Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating guy for couple of months red flag

65 replies

jinx1986 · 16/03/2024 17:26

Been dating a guy seeing him for a couple of months. Lovely guy but then if we have a drink he will push me. Last night he stood over me and I playful pulled my tongue out. And he clapped his hands across my face. So each hand his my ears. He did it that hard it felt like a flash in my eyes. A few weeks ago we went out with friends and he pushed me jokingly I didn't fall. But then later on I went to give him a kiss and he pushed me to the ground.

I've spoke to him about it and he shrugged it off like it's nothing and he was drunk.

I'm going to end it with him. I really liked him but I feel it's more when I told him he laughed it off. Made it out like i was being overly sensitive,

I don't think I'm asking for advice I think I just needed to tell someone. I've been in an abusive relationship just trying to spot things early on. 😞

OP posts:
AnneKipankitoo · 16/03/2024 17:27

Ditch

embarrassedimaprat · 16/03/2024 17:28

You're doing the right thing

ShrubRose · 16/03/2024 17:29

Well-spotted. Skates on.

Cuckoochanel80 · 16/03/2024 17:30

Time to end it. This after 2 months? How much more red flag do you need?

BigPussyEnergy · 16/03/2024 17:32

Ugh! This is exactly how things started with an ex. A slightly too hard hand-hold, pushing me “as a joke” when I closed my eyes to kiss him. If you want to know how it progressed, there was a fist shaped hole in my wall and bruises around my neck and wrists, along with a bite mark on my face. Please heed the signs. This IS how it starts. Stay safe.

Original poster
jinx1986 · 16/03/2024 17:32

Cuckoochanel80 · 16/03/2024 17:30

Time to end it. This after 2 months? How much more red flag do you need?

I know your definitely right, but if a push over trying to notice stuff early

OP posts:
DaBlackCatsAreDaBestCats · 16/03/2024 17:32

Jeez. He’s an abusing bully. Bin x

Fortitudinal · 16/03/2024 17:34

Christ, that’s awful. I’m so glad you’re going to end it. He’s violent.

leafybrew · 16/03/2024 17:37

Don’t put yourself down for not noticing earlier- you’ve seen now. 💯 per cent red flag.

Elephantsareace · 16/03/2024 17:39

He's violent and testing out how easily you accept that.

Well done on escaping a previous abusive relationship - time to escape this one too.

Original poster
jinx1986 · 16/03/2024 17:45

Yes I think what I find weird is he is overly nice and very agreeable but then does nasty shit like that after a drink doesn't add up does it x

OP posts:
Keyryder · 16/03/2024 17:48

Had one like that. Smacked me really hard accross the arse one night out of the blue and I thought ah...that's him testing to see if I'll accept violence. Had made a comment about a woman on TV looking like she'd take a punch and give as good as she got back to the guy a few days before that and it didn't sit right with me. So when he smacked me it clicked.

If I'd stayed it would have ramped up. I'd have been told I was oversensitive if I'd called him on it. He would have got more and more violent.
Could see it all plain as day.

Even though he was always so lovely and considerate. Thoughtful and sweet, even.
My gut just knew.

No excuse for men who hurt women.
You're right to run.

Original poster
jinx1986 · 16/03/2024 17:53

Keyryder · 16/03/2024 17:48

Had one like that. Smacked me really hard accross the arse one night out of the blue and I thought ah...that's him testing to see if I'll accept violence. Had made a comment about a woman on TV looking like she'd take a punch and give as good as she got back to the guy a few days before that and it didn't sit right with me. So when he smacked me it clicked.

If I'd stayed it would have ramped up. I'd have been told I was oversensitive if I'd called him on it. He would have got more and more violent.
Could see it all plain as day.

Even though he was always so lovely and considerate. Thoughtful and sweet, even.
My gut just knew.

No excuse for men who hurt women.
You're right to run.

Edited

Argh just reading that he's done that too not even drunk smacked me on the bum and I said ow that hurt my back. And he said coz ur old. I'm 37 and he was 30 I cringe. I didn't even register that until I read your comment, I'm defo ending it.

OP posts:
Original poster
jinx1986 · 16/03/2024 17:57

BigPussyEnergy · 16/03/2024 17:32

Ugh! This is exactly how things started with an ex. A slightly too hard hand-hold, pushing me “as a joke” when I closed my eyes to kiss him. If you want to know how it progressed, there was a fist shaped hole in my wall and bruises around my neck and wrists, along with a bite mark on my face. Please heed the signs. This IS how it starts. Stay safe.

Oh that's awful I'm so sorry you went through that. 😞

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 16/03/2024 17:59

And you don't have to go through that because you are binning your abuser.

What a weirdo he sounds, op. Well done for being alert like that.

WhiteRose222 · 16/03/2024 18:09

Yes end it. Those are big red flags!

Illpickthatup · 16/03/2024 18:11

This is him testing the waters and his behaviour will only escalate if you continue the relationship.

Gollumm · 16/03/2024 18:12

I'm glad you're ending it. But please do it in a safe way, not face to face preferably. A guy like that sounds like he could turn nasty when you tell him you're not going to accept his behaviour. Can you do it over the phone or message? Or in public somewhere?

SomersetTart · 16/03/2024 18:13

jinx1986 · 16/03/2024 17:45

Yes I think what I find weird is he is overly nice and very agreeable but then does nasty shit like that after a drink doesn't add up does it x

It adds up completely. This is a pattern.

He knows he's an abusive, violent dirt box and so he invests time in going over the top pleasant to lull you into accepting the crap he deals out when he's drunk/in the mood to hit you or put you down.

You know he's being 'overly' nice - it feels false to you. That's because it is false. Trust your instinct.

It's a pattern abusers adopt too manipulate people.

He sounds like a shit. Get out.

Keyryder · 16/03/2024 18:13

Fuck these assholes.

They make you feel like it's somehow 'weak' to react. Fact is if I saw a man do that to another women I'd tell her to get the fuck away from the psycho because its not ok under any circumstances.

Men have it drummed into them never to raise a hand to a woman from a young age. So if he's ignoring that social norm, he's bloody well aware of it. And is fucking scary.

He's also training you to blame alcohol for his assaults btw. So that you stay thinking, 'its not really him, its the booze'. It absolutely is not. And even if it was, it would neither excuse it or, be reason to stay.

RadRad · 16/03/2024 18:14

Definitely ditch, and I would also explore the pattern of abusive relationships xx

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 16/03/2024 18:17

I've just realised that the one relationship I was in that turned violent, he'd hurt me while "play fighting" too.

Causewerethespecialtwo · 16/03/2024 18:18

Well done for seeing the red flags and getting away fast. Block and don’t ever see him again. If he is ok to push the boundaries after a couple of months, I dread to think what he is capable in a long term relationship.

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 16/03/2024 18:21

Oh jesus he sounds awful OP, please end it for your own good.

As a previous poster said he is testing you to see what you will put up with, and then he puts on the overly nice mask to confuse you. What an arsehole!

opentoadvice88 · 16/03/2024 18:25

This is an abusive relationship. Run for the hills.