in love with my Indian best friend

[GrayStar23]

Over the past year I’ve grown closer and closer to this man I’ve known for over 10years. I speak to him all day every day we send each other memes constantly and have 3 convos on different apps going at once , he lives a few hours away so I’ve only seen him a handful of times the past few months. Last time I seen him we kissed. When he’s drunk he tells me he loves me and he wants sex but the next day when he is sober he tells me about the dating websites he’s on and is on a new date every couple of weeks but these have never developed.

he’s always made it clear he wants an Indian wife and family so why does he keep me hanging there?

He wants the extra on the side.

Run - and I say this as a south Asian woman before people come at me!

Probably an ego thing.

But also IME culture wins out regardless of whether he likes you or not.

I'd save yourself the heartache here and not entertain it.

My friend (Iranian) ended up being a bit on the side to an Indian man who married culturally. She broke away after some years but was heartbreaking for her.

Yep - my male Indian friend dated white women but was never going to settle down with one.

Is it usual to have extra on the side in this culture ?

Not necessarily. But many men from India are under pressure to marry culturally. So even if he wanted to marry someone else, it would probably be so much hassle he wouldn't be worth it.

Usually the men will do what the culture dictates and possibly sleep with other cultures of women on the side.

It's common in a lot of cultures. Not sure why it isn't frowned upon in the same way as it is when it's a white culture that does this, but it is quite prevalent amongst people I know.

The culture and family pressure is quite emeshing.

If you've been friends for a while can you not have the conversation?

Ask him why he only suggests that when he's drunk, say that you would be interested in a relationship but not in something casual, ask if he would marry outside his culture?

Different people are different, and choose different things in a spouse - no one other than him can answer those questions....

Why does he keep uou hanging on?
Because you let him.

Drop the rope. He's not going to turn round and make it serious with you. He's told you what will happen. If you want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you properly then stop messaging him.

You aren't a long term prospect for him but he enjoys the attention, likes you (but had no intention of giving you any commitment) and enjoys the dalliance.
If he knows your feelings are deep and true then he isn't doing the right thing by you fanning your flame, so he's being selfish about it. Because it is convenient for him until he finds what he's actually looking for.

It'll feel like death, but in the long run it would be kinder to cut yourself off or you'll never have a chance of a mutual relationship.

Run.. he would have committed by now, if he is really interested in you.

Speaking as an Indian woman.

Yeah you’re right. I’m holding on to something that’s never going to happen. It’s so hard I love so much when he messages me, he’s always first to make sure I’m ok and check in, helps me through anything but at the end of the day I know it’s never going to be more than that.
his younger brother has just got engaged and I know he’s feeling pressure from his family to find someone so maybe it’s best I cut ties now.

This.

Respectfully, OP, what is it that is puzzling you? He’s been quite explicit about how his life is going to unfold, and that doesn’t involve you, unless you’re happy with being his grubby like secret.

We call every day and facetime a couple of times a week, I’ve told him how much I like him. I have a daughter (5) and I don’t know if this is the reason why. Maybe I’m just thinking of excuses

I thought he may change his mind, that he’d love me enough to be with me

You deserve someone who can love you equally and fully.

His cultural expectations and pressures are too powerful to compete with. Love, alas, does not actually conquer all. Move on.

"The culture and family pressure is quite emeshing"

100% this. But even in only slightly different or largely similar cultures, relationships buckle under different families' backgrounds, expectations and pressure. Everything depends on the two people in the relationship being more committed to each others' happiness than to wanting to replicate the way they grew up or wanting to please their families over their partner.

It sounds like love bombing...all the constant chatter I mean.

Common trait of narcissists and similar to want your constant attention. As is bringing up other women infront of you to make you feel insecure.

And op, this isn't love, its infatuation. Because you know he's a shit. And no one actually loves a shit. You're addicted to the highs and low perhaps. The buzz of his reply in the cellphone. The hungry look he has at you when he's drinking.

But for every high high, there will be low lows. Until there are no highs left. Only coldness and cruelty.

He's not a remotely nice person.
Cut.all.contact.

But it's easy for him isn't it? A dopamine hit, at the end of a phone. No commitment. He can ask how you are but he doesn't have to do anything about it. He can stay 200 miles away. No effort.

Maybe he does love you too but knows it would be a lot of hassle with his family. I had two kids with a guy of Indian heritage (British born) and yes his family weren’t impressed at first, but they came round. But for many years they didn’t let the kids visit (due to the community) and one day it just changed. We aren’t together anymore but his mum still adores me. Funny now because she didn’t think that at first (but that was before she met me). Some families will never accept it though

If he only wants an Indian wife then I do hope he is only on Indian dating apps.

I suspect not though, he'd probably just playing the field and having some fun before mummy picks him out a nice girl.

Many non-Indian woman have been there and done that before you, and got the T shirt. Waited patiently for the love of their life to stand up to the cultural system and say 'do you know what? To hell with it, I pick you and if they don't like it, tough.'

The lucky ones get their man, the rest just waste five years only to be discarded when the golden boy gets told it's time to settle down.

true, when he’s on a date or with friends I hear nothing from him then the next day I don’t go 20mins without a message. although he does make effort to see me. He’s bought us tickets for a weekend away by me and sent me a present for my birthday.

Oh dear, he hasn't and won't. Hes actually being quite cruel to you and I don't think he is behaving like a friend.
Stop seeing him in any capacity at all and either be alone or find a man who does actually love you. You and your daughter deserve better than either being a side piece or a "friend" who he uses to boost his ego

When he finds the woman he's looking for, you'll be history and it will hurt soooo badly.
So yourself a favour and do it now so you can go through the pain and recover without having to be worried with thoughts of their courtship and happiness.
Take the wheel and stop letting him dictate the way this story unfolds, but his way through is the greatest level of pain from this point.
If you make the change, it'll still hurt, but be far less humiliating.
And, you could be recovered by the end of the year. He'll become a nice fond memory, if you wait to pushed it by someone he wants a future with, it'll just be a painful scar.

Thanks I needed to hear the truth. I will try to lessen the communication and not reply so quickly if at all.