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Original poster

in love with my Indian best friend

69 replies

GrayStar23 · 15/03/2024 17:10

Over the past year I’ve grown closer and closer to this man I’ve known for over 10years. I speak to him all day every day we send each other memes constantly and have 3 convos on different apps going at once , he lives a few hours away so I’ve only seen him a handful of times the past few months. Last time I seen him we kissed. When he’s drunk he tells me he loves me and he wants sex but the next day when he is sober he tells me about the dating websites he’s on and is on a new date every couple of weeks but these have never developed.

he’s always made it clear he wants an Indian wife and family so why does he keep me hanging there?

OP posts:
PoochiesPinkEars · 15/03/2024 18:22

Just be warned, with the strength of your feelings the 'dial it down' approach is certain likely to fail.

You'll just drag out the inevitable.

The hard truth is you can't have a friendship, you're in love with him and you kiss each other, but he's just torturing you - though he might not see it that way or be doing it intentionally, he's turning a blind eye to the reality, and this dangling unreciprocated love is the reality because you're in deep and he's just playing.
In his minds eye it's ok because you accept this.

Whatever you accept you can expect.
Being his surrogate girlfriend is what you are to him. You give him all the lovely feels of a real girlfriend with none of the demands or need to commit. You're a nice thing for him, delicious ego strokes daily even... and free at the point of delivery. When the real one comes on the scene it will hurt like hell.

You need to tell him that you need to break free from this dead end road to pain, and, pleasant though it is, easy though it would be to carry on, it's time to stop and you will need to go away from him to extract yourself from these feelings.

If he cares for you more than himself at all he will accept this truth and leave you in peace. If he doesn't accept it then his weak will and self interest is stronger than his affection for you.

MaxTalk · 15/03/2024 19:10

Men are men..he just wants a shag.

Differentstarts · 15/03/2024 19:23

It will never be a serious relationship. My white divorced single mum friend started dating an Indian guy and his mum soon put a stop to that he's now married to an Indian woman

lolstevelol · 15/03/2024 20:19

Unfortunately, their is a lot of pressure for Indian men to marry within their own culture, putting the needs of their parents before theirs.

I think Indian men need to put their family to one side and think of themselves of once.

Pinkbonbon · 15/03/2024 20:52

Tbh i don't buy this whole 'there lots of pressure to marry Indian women'.

I mean sure...in the occasional family that's totally failed to integrate into the UK. That staunchly resist marrying outside their own race.

But mostly I think it's bullshit. It's lie men use so they don't have to get serious with you. So they can have their fun and blame it on their culture when they want to leave.

It's 2024 ffs. Not 1980.
It's a bit laughable that people still buy this shit.
Sorry. He's just not that into you. He'll probably still be playing the field at 40.

TheEverlovingFork · 15/03/2024 21:06

When he’s drunk he tells me he loves me and he wants sex but the next day when he is sober he tells me about the dating websites he’s on

Wow, what a prince! I can see why you're head over heels! Come on, OP, where's your self-respect at - have you ever unpacked anywhere like therapy why your bar is too low? You deserve so much more than this and so does your DD

ItsallIeverwanted · 15/03/2024 21:10

All the energy and excitement you are pouring into waiting for his texts could be going into a more productive relationship with an available man. You can't allow yourself to waste your energy like this, it really will come to nothing.

Watchkeys · 15/03/2024 21:26

Work out why you care about the motives of a man to not give you what you want.

Confused118 · 15/03/2024 22:11

Try turning it on its head.

Ask him what you would need to do or what compromises you would need to make in order for you both to be in an actual LTR that leads to a marriage.

If there's anything in him thats serious about you then he'll have a think about it and tell you. If he does then consider whether you can do these things before going further.

Hoppinggreen · 16/03/2024 13:46

Pinkbonbon · 15/03/2024 20:52

Tbh i don't buy this whole 'there lots of pressure to marry Indian women'.

I mean sure...in the occasional family that's totally failed to integrate into the UK. That staunchly resist marrying outside their own race.

But mostly I think it's bullshit. It's lie men use so they don't have to get serious with you. So they can have their fun and blame it on their culture when they want to leave.

It's 2024 ffs. Not 1980.
It's a bit laughable that people still buy this shit.
Sorry. He's just not that into you. He'll probably still be playing the field at 40.

And yet quite a few of us know men and women in this position. I am not Indian but DH works in a field which seems to attract a lot of people from the Indian sub continent so has a lot of friends from those cultures.
Yes, some don't get pressure from their family to marry withing their culture, some get it but dont care and a lot do as expected. We have been introduced to plenty of white girlfriends but in only 1 case I can think of did anyone make it to wife (assuming they wanted to). In many cases the man genuinely felt he could marry outside his culture at first but eventually gave in

Poppyzo · 16/03/2024 14:03

He wants you but knows he can’t have you. His cultural beliefs won’t allow it. You are letting him leave you hanging. Either have the conversation or back away. If he was your best friend he would be honest with you and you with him.

therealcookiemonster · 16/03/2024 14:19

@GrayStar23 OP I am both south asian and have been in the same position as you (with someone kurdish, very similar in terms of being closed off to other cultures)

ultimately if someone wants to be with you, they will be with you. they can come up with all sorts of reasons, including family pressure but the reality is they don't feel committed enough to you.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 16/03/2024 14:23

I’ve known 2 English born Indian men marry white women. One was an Australian woman and moved to Australia when the kids were young. The other couple are still together.

thecatneuterer · 16/03/2024 14:32

GrayStar23 · 15/03/2024 17:14

Is it usual to have extra on the side in this culture ?

I had a gay male acquaintance who had a succession of married South Asian lovers. Some of these affairs were even conducted with the wives' knowledge. He claimed it was a very common thing.

MaxTalk · 16/03/2024 22:24

Not sure mixed marriages work in the long run unless you have very similar mindsets.

All this opposites attract crap is a road to ruin.

ProfessorLayton1 · 17/03/2024 11:44

I am aware of lot of happily married mixed race couples( am an Indian) but in your case, if he is the way you are describing this has got nothing to do with the culture but it's to do with him.

Wouldyouguess · 17/03/2024 13:27

I had a friend at uni who was like that- he planned to marry an Indian girl his parents chose all along, but was very flirty, love bombing etc- hoping he will get to have some fun with a white girl before he goes back for his wedding. For some men it's a fetish or a thing on a bucket list, but they dont intend to form proper relationships outside their social circle. Dont walk, run.

lunar1 · 17/03/2024 13:33

I'm married to an Indian man, for 17 years now.

This is common, he probably wouldn't even stop your fling after marriage, don't set yourself up to be a side relationship for the rest of your life.

churrios · 17/03/2024 13:52

agree he is stringing you along and likes the attention, waiting a bit longer to reply to his texts isn’t going to help you. You need to cut him off and move on with your life. Some Indian men will always go with family in the end and some won’t, they will risk the family disapproval and marry a non Indian. Some Indian families won’t accept the non Indian and some will. I do think you having a child already is prob an issue for an Indian family too if he doesn’t have kids. You could ask him straight out his intentions with you and if it’s not what you want walk away or accept these crumbs. best advice is to walk away so there is space in your life for a mutually committed relationship.

Original poster
GrayStar23 · 04/05/2024 14:34

So update, he’s been on a few dates with an Indian girl. He has told me he really likes her . We’re booked a night away in July, he said he hopes that the girl is his girlfriend by then so we will just be going as friends on a big sesh. I know I should cancel , if I do I doubt I will see him again? I’m devastated. What should I do.

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 04/05/2024 14:39

You tell him your (non) relationship is over, you wish him all the best. Then cut all contact. Cold turkey is the only way - rip off the plaster.

ovals · 04/05/2024 14:42

You’re wondering why he’s treating you like but not asking yourself why you’re letting him. Stop contact and start looking out for yourself.

SunflowerandHoney · 04/05/2024 14:43

lunar1 · 17/03/2024 13:33

I'm married to an Indian man, for 17 years now.

This is common, he probably wouldn't even stop your fling after marriage, don't set yourself up to be a side relationship for the rest of your life.

I’ve never posted about this before - but OP please heed this advice.

I was you 9 years ago. I am still you today. He did get married, to an approved woman his mother introduced him to. A financially appropriate woman. An educated to their standards woman. A woman who would raise their kids with “Indian values”.

We’re still together. I wish I hadn’t wasted the last 9 years of my life.

Original poster
GrayStar23 · 04/05/2024 14:45

SunflowerandHoney · 04/05/2024 14:43

I’ve never posted about this before - but OP please heed this advice.

I was you 9 years ago. I am still you today. He did get married, to an approved woman his mother introduced him to. A financially appropriate woman. An educated to their standards woman. A woman who would raise their kids with “Indian values”.

We’re still together. I wish I hadn’t wasted the last 9 years of my life.

Show quote history

Wow, nine years is a long time, did you just carry on as normal?

he just wants to be friends with me now apparently , nothing else. How can I be friends with someone I love

OP posts:
JoanMacIntosh · 04/05/2024 14:45

Because you let him, and he’ll keep you there until he finds a woman who fits his criteria and then they’ll be married within the year. Please don’t waste your time waiting for someone to choose you.