Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

Yes. If DH isn't working or sleeping then he's usually doing the accounts.

Which is great in some ways - I doubt we'll ever get into debt.

However DD1 has chosen her GCSEs entirely by future earning potential rather than what she enjoys (and I'm guessing will again for A levels). Sensible yes but it seems sad in some ways. She might never earn enough to impress him and miss out on having fun in the meantime 🙁.

I've been trying to balance out DH's financial focus by reminding our DC about the more fun parts of life. I've told them that once you can cover your bills then friends, family, nice colleagues and enjoying life are more important than what you earn.

Yes I know exactly what you mean. It’s comparable to my SDS only wanting to play the GN because of what he might win and failing to actually enjoy the race and the build up and the excitement. It’s all about the money. It’s such a shame as for all the other DC they’re happy to just pick a horse with a silly name and cheer it on. Sad really….

But basing subjects on what would earn the most is a bit of a sad approach to life. Hopefully she will try for a better balance in her A Levels.

@BustyLaRoux DH is definitely very money focused, he keeps spreadsheets and tracks every pound. At the same time he can also be very impulsive with spending and if he has a new hobby will think nothing of spending a fair bit on it. Some of it stems from him having a DF (my late FIL) who must have been financially illiterate and spent as he pleased, resulting in debt and financial difficulties. So in a way i understand DH's need to control the money.

@LittleSwede you just described my DW to a tee.

Hello, new to these threads - well I have been lurking for a couple of months and read all of this and most of the previous thread. A lot of what many of you discuss resonates really strongly with me. I am fairly sure DH has ASD and ADHD. He hasn't been diagnosed, but it's fairly obvious to me and his sister is a specialist community nurse for people with ASD (in another country) and she has said she thinks so too. For myself, I think I also have a lot of ASD traits, and am convinced that others in my family are ND, but I am not as clear cut as him and not sure if I would be diagnosed or not. We've been together more than 20 years and have a teenage son who is currently in the process of diagnosis through CAHMS. As someone else upthread said so well, its the fact that DH sees himself as a separate entity from me and his son (never mind my two other DS from a previous relationship who are grown up and have left home). I have learned over the years what I can expect (and not) from him, but he does not do teamwork, which means that I have to do most things by myself. What's really worrying me is that I am due to have major surgery imminently and I will have to rely on him. I really hesitated when filling in the forms at the hospital, but eventually ticked 'yes, I have support' from my husband...😕. Has anyone else been through this? I'm not confident he'll be able to support me in the way I am going to need.

@NDornotND I think you are right to be concerned about support following a hospital stay but if you can perhaps lower your expectations of what you expect from your husband it will be manageable.
I have been having cancer treatment for the last year and have had to find work rounds for a lot of things.
I have found if you can speak to him about exactly what you need him to do each day, make me breakfast, lunch, dinner, drinks etc and remind him frequently without putting him under any pressure for any sort of emotional or empathetic response then you can get your basic needs met. But you will need to rely on friends and other family members for the emotional support and to release any anxiety you may have before and after surgery as he may well feel very worried about what is happening but could be unable to express his feelings and deals with them by supressing them.
I also spoke to my surgeon and briefly explained the possible problems about going home and was surprised by how supportive they were, even giving me an extra night in hospital to ensure I could cope better when I went home.
The support on here is also very good so use this place to offload if needed.
Good luck and make sure you look after yourself before others.

@NDornotND Yes we were there a few years ago. The more prep you can do regarding expectations the better. DW was still DW but it was a lot easier as it was clear well in advance what would be required. (Compared to the time I broke my leg over the school holidays and she went to bed till the kids went back!)

Thanks @classicslove @Daftasabroom for your responses. I have been trying to prepare DH and DS (who is 15), but it is hard work. I am pretty sure DH has a PDA profile - I remember the first time I saw an article about it online thinking 'Yes! That's it!' - so he cannot bear being told what to do. He is also the most disorganised person, in some ways, but surprisingly organised in others. I once asked why he never put the cheese grater back where it goes and got the response 'Who says it goes there?' FGS - As I told him, I am not trying to control him by deciding where things go, I just want them to have a place, and if he wants to pick a different one, that's fine by me. So, that's a very roundabout way of saying I'm not sure giving him lists of things to do will go down very well... I keep trying to discuss what will happen when I get out of hospital with him. He just tells me 'it'll be fine'. I'm not convinced.

@NDornotND if you really have doubts that he will be able to fulfil even the most basic needs by making sure you are fed and watered then I would definately speak to your doctors and make them aware of the situation. You may well feel that you are saving face by stating that you have support (or probably as I did feel that you are saving him embarrassment) but you really need to make them aware of the reality of your home life. You have to come first in this situation.
It's definitely not easy but really important.

Yes, be honest with the hospital before you are discharged.

I stayed in hospital as long as possible after each of my c sections because I knew that I'd be fending for myself once I got home. Every day, the midwife would ask if I was well enough to go home yet, and I eeeked it out as long as possible every time!

He is perfectly capable, in theory. He's a very intelligent man, an excellent cook, and much more practical than me in many ways. BUT - he does not seem to be able to consider the needs of others - even his own son. And his eating habits are very unusual: he rarely eats before 2 pm, and left to his own devices, will have his main evening meal very late in the evening- sometimes almost the next day (ie. 11pm/midnight ish). I, on the other hand, like to have my meals at standard meal times and DS is usually starving when he gets home from school. I'm hoping to convince him that it would not be unreasonable to ask him to make sure I have food at mealtimes... I have been batch cooking stuff for the freezer. I am thinking I need to approach it as though I will be alone - sometimes I think it would be easier if I was - I could organise things for myself and wouldn't have to work around him...

So, he would probably feed me at 2 pm and 10 pm and expect me to be happy with that, because that's what suits him, and anyone who does things any other way is a bit odd, as far as he's concerned. I wouldn't starve I suppose. Maybe I just need to go with the flow a bit, but I really like my breakfast! 😂

Although not quite the same as a real breakfast, could you get a stash of nice breakfast bars/flapjacks etc plus some mini cartons of juice and maybe even ready to drink cans of coffee and stash them near the bed? I can't function without breakfast so completely see the need for that.

DH can be quite good at looking me and DD (subject to him being not overwhelmed or dysregated) but my own DF, although well meaning and kind, seems unable to do this so I see where you are coming from.

When DD and I got stuck (due to the most awful flu, we were too poorly to fly back to the UK as planned) whilst staying at my DMs a few years ago we had to phone my DF (they are divorced) to ask him to come with some supplies as both DM and were too poorly to even drag ourselves to the shop across the road. He came two days later, because he only shops certain days, with sliced ham, cherry tomatoes, paracetamol, nose spray and juice (maybe some other bits too). No milk, bread, butter or anything 'staple'. So after 4 days of fending for ourselves, we had a meagre salad to eat 🤣

Do others feel like they minimise their own feelings a lot and resentment sometimes builds up? I know that my partner isn’t doing it on purpose but sometimes it would be nice to receive some validation. My partner will literally pat me on the head.

@Rainbow03 I definitely feel that all the little things stack up over the years and things I would have brushed off now hurt more. I'm definitely more sensitised.

Thank you @LittleSwede ,that's certainly an option. Among the things I consider possible ASD traits in myself is a love of routine- I (nearly) always have the same breakfast- unfortunately this isn't part of DH's spectrum. Also, I have lost a lot of weight (over 9 stone) over the past couple of years by being very careful about what I eat, so I am very concerned about regaining it all by losing my routine. He did not support me in the weight loss, but didn't hinder me either. It did mean I had to take control of family food, which means he rarely cooks now.

Absolutely! I go along fine for much of the time, because what are the options? But now and then the resentment builds up and I have a rant. Doesn't tend to get me anywhere, sadly.

Resentment is my number 1 problem. I find it a drain on my own energy but am not enlightened enough to transcend the small stuff. I think I'm in peri-menopausal irritable phase. Finding this all a bit hard to manage, though DH has definitely become more reflective, mature and really developed his capacity. I seem to be regressing towards toddler-hood on the other hand.

Yeah. I went through a phase of trying to articulate my feelings. Probably around the time we had counselling. The counsellor said to frame things in terms of how we felt. So I would try and gently say “I’m a bit upset about x” and he would just say in an almost admonishing tone that he was MORE upset. If I get angry about something he can’t handle it. It makes him MORE angry than I am. He will shout at me and go on about how unreasonable I’m being. This is when my feelings relate to him or something he’s done. He can’t handle it and immediately says he’s being blamed and I’m obsessed with fault and gets angry. It’s like his default setting. So I feel like I’m not really allowed to have feelings about something he’s said or done as it’s just seen as criticism. So yeah I put them to one side and yes that does build resentment. I come here and rant at people who really understand. I talk to my SIL and vent at her. I have started therapy. It all helps.

If my feelings are in relation to someone else then it depends. He has a tendency to focus and dwell on negatives. I tend to deal with things quickly. I rant. I move on. I don’t dwell or harbour things. DP will relish any negative feelings and start psychoanalysing. It’s often way off the mark. But he does try to listen I suppose. He’s quite engaged, albeit in a ‘ooh let me psychoanalyse that’ (special interest) kind of way! And he’ll bring it up again and again long after I’ve moved on from any negative feelings.

My DF wouldn’t even really understand what I was talking about if I talked about my feelings!!!! He would just look blank and say “well there you go then” and quickly turn the conversation back to himself.

@NDornotND well done on losing so much weight. That’s a phenomenal amount! I completely understand what you mean about sticking to those little routines we have made for ourselves and especially how important food choices are. What do you have for breakfast if you don’t mind me asking? Is there anything that could be adapted or prepared in advance to make it closer to what you want?

@BustyLaRoux it is so difficult isn’t it! If I talk to him about my feelings it’s like he has no idea what feelings are. I asked him last week what feelings he has and he just shrugged his shoulders and said none I just am the same all the time. He says it’s a women thing to have feelings lol. He’ll then carry on talking about his life long obsession. I do love him, it must be nice to not have up and down feelings. I’ve just turned 41 with a 2 year old and I’m pretty sure I’m going through peri menopause so he his getting it!

@Rainbow03 that must be hard. A different situation to me. My DP’s feelings always have to trump mine. Talking about my feelings is only seen as criticism to him. I’m trying to imagine what it must be like to be with someone who has no feelings. Right now it seems very attractive lol!!! But of course I know it must make you feel very lonely in practice. Do you have other people you can talk to?

@Rainbow03 it sounds like your dh has alexithymia and simply can’t name his feelings or express them.
Pretty common for people on the spectrum. Dh is like this,