Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

@Flittingaboutagain exactly this!! A simple social rule is all he can manage unfortunately. The concept of taking a real interest in someone and their day, their story, whatever, is lost on him really. I can literally (almost literally!) see the cogs in his brain as I am talking, receiving the words and immediately scanning his own narrative for the first opportunity to butt in and relate it back to him. It’s like he’s receiving my words without really listening. If you asked him what degree I did, what A levels I got, what my job is, etc., he would struggle to tell you. He’s never taken any interest.

I think for someone who genuinely wants to relate to other people but lacks the inherent skills due to ND, then what you say about social stories could really help. Because it isn’t just asking how someone is that shows we care, it’s our body language and our facial expression and our responses - so many of the small things which say “I am interested”. Exactly as you say.

Unfortunately my DF isn’t interested! When I told him off for not bothering to ask how I was ever, instead of thinking “oh dear, I can see how that might make the other person think I don’t care about them, how can I show them I DO care???” He instead took it literally. I’ve said “you haven’t even asked me how I am!” So he has taken the literal response of remembering (tick box exercise) to always ask how I am. The message behind me saying that is lost on him. He can’t understand that actually listening to my answer and responding with follow up questions, not just butting over me and immediately relating it back to him is not demonstrating interest or care at all. He can’t relate to people emotionally but that doesn’t seem to bother him at all. Other people have been put on this earth to care for him, listen to him, do things for him, entertain him. He can’t really see past that. As for being interested in them…? Only if they provide him with a good anecdote which he can tell someone else, or provide him with photo opportunities he can post on SM to show the world what a great grandpa he is.

@Flittingaboutagain I struggle with feeling invisible with my partner. Although we are both ND he seems to struggle much more than I do in empathy. He never asks how I am. If I say I’ve had a bad day so has he, if I’m tired so is he, if I had a headache oh his day was so hard so has he. I’m lucky in that he doesn’t expect people to pander around him, he is very self sufficient. It’s just hard when you aren’t feeling too good and he can’t relate because he pretty much has one state of being. I on the other hand will be emotional and be he will be like oh not this again. He’ll have no idea how to make me feel better.

@Rainbow03 and @Daftasabroom the hoarding!! Yes. I relate to this. DP often comes home with stuff he’s found on a wall. Random stuff. Some of it is actually alright! He found a really good quality saucepan once!! But often it’s crap. And he cannot walk past a skip without diving in….. he also buys anything in the supermarket which has a yellow discount label! But it needs consuming straight away and he forgets and we have all this stuff that’s gone off in our fridge and the freezer is crammed with yellow level stuff so that we can barely shut the door!

@BustyLaRoux ahhhhh don’t talk about skip diving and free s**t outside people’s houses….he brings it all home lol. I try and filter it out the door to the bin!

Ahhh the hoarding.... I wish I'd put my boundaries down and found a compromise on this sooner. DH is currently clearing dear late FIL's house, who was also a hoarder, so we now have loads of stuff from his parents house, as well as all our (mostly his) stuff, in an already overfull house. A lot of it is sentimental though so can kind of understand that. We do now have an extra set of crockery and many, many, many glasses sat on then kitchen counter and windowsill since way before Easter.

DH also seems to need a back up of everything (like an extra packet of medication or an extra shampoo), which I think I once saw on 'Autistic Callum' (Instagram-er) as being part of an autistic thing. Some sort of anxiety about running out of a favorite thing and not being able to easily replace it.

On the topic of autistic DFs, my dad seems to have learnt to ask the socially correct things at the beginning of a phone call and always asks how I am but then doesn't quite know what to say if i am honest about having a bad day (so I now mostly say I am OK, regardless), but will then launch into a monologue about trains, cars or one of his other favorite topics. I think DH is a bit like this too, although he always say I walk too much, when in face he is very good at holding long monologues himself!

I hope you don't mind me jumping in here... I'm certain my bf of 5 years is autistic. Tbh I think I've reached the point of ending things because I've been left feeling so sad / angry.

We don't live together or have children together, yet for some reason it feels hard to end it.

So many things I've read on here resonate with me. He can have a great conversation if it's something he is interested in, though he loves to talk at me. He used to phone me all the time but it was talking at me. He will message me "how are you" but it's like he's learned this is an expected question - whatever I reply, he will never follow up with any comment or question, he shows no interest in my response. Likewise when we are together, if I say anything about my life he simply doesn't respond. If I ask why he doesn't say anything, he will repeat back what I've said to show he's heard it. Sometimes he might reply with something like "that's nice" even when that's clearly not at all and appropriate response. He's just saying it because I just pause and wait for him to say something.

When we met he was so enthusiastic but now he has a hobby he loves, and he is either working his full-time job, doing private work, doing up a house or doing this hobby. The tike left over for me is so small.

The final straw is that he booked a course abroad with a few days either side and apparently it did not cross his mind at all that this coincided with my holidays (I work in education) so he's been away the last 2 weeks. And I realised he has never used a single day's holiday to do something with me.

When I expressed upset, he told me rather indignantly that he now has more days holiday, he will go for more days out / holiday and get is really trying and wants to make things good between us. And then asked if I expect him to give up the hobby for me to be happy.

But we've had similar conversations before, and in reality he just plans out his life and then sees where I might fit in. The other week I said something about the future, and he suggested I could share a house with my sibling to save money and I realised I am simply not a proper part of his life/thoughts/consideration. I just fulfill a role of girlfriend and he is so in love with his hobby he doesn't need much from me. He is very well off and I think if I was starving he'd just have practical suggestions about food banks. He would help me practically but financially he's quite mean. Hell give me a birthday gift (another version of identical gifts I always get) that probably costs about £30 and straight away talk about something he's just bought for himself that costs £1000 like a camera he'll probably use once.

Ah yes, the ‘I don’t know what to do with that information’ thing. I say something. DF scans it for words which he can link to himself. Finds nothing. Looks blank. Then says “well there you go then” and immediately changes the subject to one of his preferred subjects (driving routes, his ailments, what food he has/will be cooking).

You might even say something which is quite serious or interesting or important and he will do the scan, then just respond with the “well there you go then” and the subject change. He doesn’t seem to be able to ask “oh really? How did that come about then?” or any question which denotes interest. He can’t relate it to him = it is therefore of zero interest. It is wearing.

Hey @CatsLikeBoxes and welcome.

It sounds clear you think there's no future in the relationship and frankly, better to call time now in that case.

There's no blame in acknowledging you're incompatible, and there can be a lot of sadness in acknowledging that things could have been better, but as it is, they aren't. From your post I get the impression you fundamentally like him, but that the difficulties between you mean that in the long term it just won't work.

It's a sad realisation to come to, but honestly it's better to call time before things get really bad either with arguing or with shutting considerable parts of your own needs down.

@LittleSwede
DH also seems to need a back up of everything (like an extra packet of medication or an extra shampoo), which I think I once saw on 'Autistic Callum' (Instagram-er) as being part of an autistic thing. Some sort of anxiety about running out of a favorite thing and not being able to easily replace it.

Yes! The multiple purchases of the same thing. We probably have five bottles of his favourite (supermarket) shower gel. And he will continue buying more.

Also if we go on holiday he needs to pack EVERYTHING!!! Every eventuality needs to be gone through and planned for. Every medication. Every cream. Different types of this and that. I think it gives him comfort. He packs utensils, herbs, salt, oils…. Most of which comes back with us untouched.

Hello @CatsLikeBoxes! I’m sorry that you feel like this. It’s unlikely to improve really. As you say he isn’t invested in the relationship in the way you would like him to be. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, but it’s not enough for you. You don’t have kids and you don’t live together so it’s relatively simple to end the relationship from a practical point of view. @DancesWithDucks is right. Better to call time now. It’s sad but probably for the best. You deserve to be happy.

@BustyLaRoux DW would pack a kitchen sink and a spare kitchen sink if she could.

@CatsLikeBoxes the only thing I can say is that, if you were to decide to stay together, this will not change.
dh has all his days written on a calendar, some one year ahead!!, and they are not changeable. I once asked him to change one of these hobby days to a different weekend as it was right in dc’s birthday but apparently he couldn’t reorganise something one YEAR ahead 😢😢
He ofc never ask if that’s ok with me either.

He doesn’t take it well if I do that and he was exige ring me to be available though.

exige ring?

Expecting?

Thank you for the welcome - I've had several times of deciding it's enough but then we'll have a nice time. And he's fundamentally a sweet, gentle person I care about, but I know he doesn't meet my needs.
Oh and he too buys in bulk to get a good deal / never runs out.
@BustyLaRoux your dad's response... Well there you go then - that's just like my bf. It just kills me a bit inside though.

@BustyLaRoux DH too has to pack everything when going on holiday! @Daftasabroom yes to taking the sink too!
@CatsLikeBoxes It's so hard to feel like you are not priority and has to sort of 'fit in'. Sometimes there is a sort of hyperfocus from the ND partner at the beginning of the relationship and once that phase has passed and they find another special interest/hobby the other partner (NT or ND) can feel lonely and pushed aside.

I must admit that on a few occasions DH's need to replicate the medical cabinet we home has come in handy when we stay with my mum in Sweden. There was that Christmas day when I came out in a rash (reaction to antibiotics) and the nurse I spoke to on the equivalent of the 111 no suggested try an antihistamine. Well thanks to DH's horde of medicines he had one handy for me and it saved me trip to the city to find an out of hours chemist or worse, walk in clinic!

😂😂😂

Funnily enough I do carry packs of antihistamines in my own wash bag just in case!!! LOL. Yes those little things remembered can be so useful. And we have gone away when he hadn’t packed the kitchen sink (though not lately!) and the air bnb has had no oil or salt and I guess he’s learnt from that and now brings everything!!!!! It’s just it takes him so long to pack. It’s chaos. Stuff everywhere and it takes ages to pack the car and then ages to unpack it all…. I’m not criticising. Not really. It can be useful but the downside is it’s such an enormous faff. Everything has to be executed in meticulous detail and to try and dissuade him or get him to hurry it along or just wing it is met with quite a stern response (rigid behaviours etc). I am definitely a wing it person (antihistamines notwithstanding!!!) 😂

your dad's response... Well there you go then - that's just like my bf. It just kills me a bit inside though. @CatsLikeBoxes i completely understand! It used to make me rather sad too. I’d think “why aren’t you interested in me??? I am your daughter. Why are you only interested in yourself!!!” And it is really hard. FWIW I think in my DF’s case this comes from a genuine inability to prioritise anyone else’s experiences or feelings above his own. He might be vaguely interested, but his own story will ALWAYS trump that. For example I had an abnormal smear about 20 years ago. I had to go back for a biopsy and more tests. I know this isn’t the most terrible thing ever and is fairly routine but I was quite young and it worried me a bit. It was the same week my DB got made redundant. I made the cardinal mistake (never do I do this now) of telling my dad about the smear results. He phoned me up a week later to tell me all about how depressed he was because of the news about MY smear and my DB’s redundancy. Not once did he ask if I was OK or how I felt. Not once did he express concern for my DB. The entire conversation was all about him and his depression at having to cope with this news. I had to try and cheer HIM up!! I was gutted. I don’t bother now. If he asks and my leg had fallen off I wouldn’t tell him.

I wonder though that your bf does care but doesn’t have the skills to show it. Doesn’t know what to do with the information just does a “there you go then” as he doesn’t know what to say and quickly moves on to a subject he is comfortable with. I know that still isn’t what you want from a bf. Lots of ASD people really do care but lack the social skills to show it. My DF isn’t one of them unfortunately. He just really isn’t that arsed.

@DancesWithDucks yes it was supposed to be expected …. 🫣🫣

Yep I fully agree there.
I have health issues. But if one day I say yo dh ‘im not feeling well’, then I get …. Silence. Just complete silence and he then gets busy with something else.
It’s rude, hurtful but also so disheartening.
its not that if I have a headache, so has he.
Its that whatever I’m feeling doesn’t exist, can’t possibly be right because he hasn’t experienced it himself.

As you can imagine, it has caused no end of issues since I got worse and needing him to take on the HW, cooking etc….

I suspect my df is asd too.
I used to live with him and in my 20’s had a car accident at midnight. Rang him from hospital to tell him then finally got home at 5.30 am.
woke the next day to find out he had gone away for the weekend as he was due to visit family.
Not even a car accident could change his plans, I have never felt more alone.

That’s exactly the things that dh has done.
Leaving me for a week on my own when I didn’t have enough energy/strength to cook anything for myself. I lost quite a bit of weight that week….

That’s so sad and would be so hurtful. It’s just the complete opposite of what you need from a partner! ☹️