Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

[Daftasabroom]

@Bluebellforest1 Here we go!

I'd like to thank those with ASD that have contributed to the previous thread.

I've also changed the word understand to explore, as I feel that this is a journey for all of us. We think we know where we are going at the start but we seem to end up in places we weren't expecting. If there are routes out from those places, those routes are likely to different for all of us.

[SpecialMangeTout]

Thanks @Daftasabroom

Cant possibly miss this brand new thread!

[Bluebellforest1]

Thanks Daft!

[Bunnyhair]

Thank you!

[Ohdostopwafflinggeremy]

Evening all🫡 Just marking my place on the new thread. Hope everyone is doing well, or as well as can be expected 😊

[FlowerPowe23]

Hi everyone
Glad to be with you all on the new thread 😊

[Daftasabroom]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4904334-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-support-thread-9?page=40&reply=133779208

Link to old thread.

[Forgoodnesssakemeagain]

Thank you! Could I just ask how to deal with two things..
1 - often when I say something the response I get is “ok” nothing more. This includes if I am trying to sort an issue out I get the response ok and then he walks off. If I try and follow it up I am told I’m “going on”
2 often he will just act like everything is ok
so for example now I am left today without talking about things and dh is around the house like nothing has happened 🤷‍♀️

[SpecialMangeTout]

edited as I got completely confused …… wrong thread etc….

Sorry….

[SpecialMangeTout]

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain

Yes dh is similar.
And no I haven’t found a way to deal with that sort of behaviour either.

What works up to a point is to state the issue and my solution. And then leave it. With a bit of luck, he’ll come back proposing that solution.
Dh needs several days/weeks to process though do not a quick answer.
And ofc he might well decide my solution isn’t good enough.

Otherwise, he is incapable of having a discussion with me to find out a solution together. I’ve given up. I now tend to either let it go if not too urgent/important. Or I just do what I’ve decided regardless.

It feels like another of those ‘1000 cuts’ simply because it so far from what I’d want/love to see within my marriage. But I genuinely have run out of ideas on what else I could do.

[Forgoodnesssakemeagain]

It doesn’t help for feeling any sort of emotional connection to a person though does it.
also memory - the conversations we have that dh can’t remember. I don’t understand how I can say xyz and then later on he’s asking about xyz with no memory of us talking about it. He can’t understand my frustration and lack of connection with him but I think what’s the point in talking if he doesn’t remember or listen to me

[Bunnyhair]

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain re: the memory thing - I found it helpful to think of it in terms of SDAM - severely deficient autobiographical memory. Which involves impaired ability to remember facts in context.

My DH can remember facts and formulas and numbers and dates with perfect precision but draws a total blank when it comes to most events in his own life / conversations we’ve had, particularly if they involve any emotive content. Conversation + emotion = Men In Black style brain wipe. He can’t help it. But it does mean lots of the cognitive foundations for a relationship (shared memories, being able to refer back to previous conversations and build on them) are just not there.

It’s like that movie Memento - we have to start from the beginning, from first principles, every conversation. As though we’ve never talked about it before and it’s all new to him. And often he doesn’t have the receptive language processing capacity or interpersonal stamina to be able to really take it in then. So he might go off to process, but then, poof! It disappears again.

It is helpful to me to recognise this as a genuine form of amnesia, like someone might have with a head injury or dementia. It helps me let go of my expectations of the sort of connection and collaboration I’d assumed relationships were about. Because there is no ‘fixing’ it. And that feels very hard, but less hard than struggling on hoping he’ll miraculously develop cognitive capacities he doesn’t have. He can’t do thot - any more than I can overcome my dyscalculia if I just care enough.

My motto when it comes to decisions & conversations is ‘lead, follow, or get out of the way’. There can be no collaboration, because we can’t hold contextual information between us for more than about 5 mins at a time.

[SpecialMangeTout]

Conversation + emotion = Men In Black style brain wipe.

I love that!!
And yes I can see how this is working out with dh too.

It is helpful to me to recognise this as a genuine form of amnesia, like someone might have with a head injury or dementia. It helps me let go of my expectations of the sort of connection and collaboration I’d assumed relationships were about. 

Again, in some ways, this is where I am now.
My expectation is for NO collaboration or connexion. I’m not blaming anymore iyswim. I’m not expecting/hoping things will change.

However, it’s leaving me wondering what is the point FOR ME.
Because, for me, it’s not a relationship.
Because living with someone requires concessions (regardless of ND) and are those concessions worth what I get back in return?

There are a lot of questions for me there around ableism, boundaries, life expectations and so on.

[Kerryoh]

@SpecialMangeTout My expectation is for NO collaboration or connexion. I’m not blaming anymore iyswim. I’m not expecting/hoping things will change.

However, it’s leaving me wondering what is the point FOR ME.
Because, for me, it’s not a relationship.

I think your expectations are accurate, sadly, and if the 'non-relationship' is not working for you I would advise you to call it a day if you can. That is what I have done and I am much happier for it.  

I believe my ex will be more content too. He needs to live on his own because he thinks he is right about absolutely everything (not his fault, it's his wiring). He just cannot compromise or discuss or collaborate. It does not compute for him. If I tried to get him to work with me on something, he would just blank me in some way - or worse he would get verbally vicious to make me back off. I see it all clearly now and I'm glad it's in the rear view mirror.

[Realdeal1]

Following

[Bunnyhair]

I’m not sure I think that ableism applies in the context of intimate relationships - all’s fair in love and war and all that. If it ain’t working, it ain’t working. It hardly matters why.

At present, there’s enough keeping me in my relationship - not least financial considerations and the fact we’re a good parenting team. But once our DC grows up and needs us less (assuming that happens 😬) I think things will feel pretty desolate and empty. That seems to be a common theme on these threads.

[working4ever]

Following

[ANiceLittleHouseByTheSea]

Following

[Forgoodnesssakemeagain]

So had the memory issue again today and realise sometimes it’s not memory it’s more down to him remembering incorrect lot based on what he thinks or maybe in his own mind thinks I have said.
very trivial but can someone help me unpack this..
I said yesterday for him to pick me up from the train station at 6pm.
today he said can you remind me of timings today as I know you said I needed to collect you at 7pm.
I’m asked where he had got the 7pm from and he got all moody and had a go at me as I’m “always having a go at him for not remembering “ but then explained that he thought if I’m getting the 6pm train then it would be in at 7pm.
he is so angry at me for trying to understand what may be happening for him to get the communication wrong and I feel so upset as I’m finding these things difficult.
surely this one is not a he didn’t remember if I didn’t actually say that in the first place?

as a footnote I feel her often almost finishes off my thought with what he is thinking and switches off and gets the wrong conclusion so for this for example he may have heard me say 6pm switched off and filled in the blanks..

[Bunnyhair]

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain this is so frustrating - I get this as well. DH will swear something’s on Tuesday when it’s in 4 different types of calendar as a Thursday etc.

The way I approach it is just not to argue about what he ought to know, or what I know we agreed, or what is in the calendar, just stick to making sure the plans are as clear as possible now.

The memory issue won’t change. And in the case of my DH he doesn’t understand the scale of the problem, because he is convinced he remembers things perfectly well. So to be corrected about things he doesn’t realise he doesn’t remember is invariably experienced by him as criticism or gaslighting.

I try not to focus on the issues in communication & memory because that just leads nowhere. It won’t change, he just feels attacked, we haven’t been able to find a way to collaborate on practices that might help him remember.

I just very neutrally say, oh, it’s 6, not 7. I’ll send you a reminder text an hour before. <big smile>

And then just hope his phone is charged / he can find his phone.

It is so frustrating, and I can’t count on him. But treating this as something we could get to the bottom of, and work towards improving as a couple just led to endless conflict and misery. Now I just organise my own life in the understanding that I can’t count on him, and that his involvement with things is more likely to be an obstruction than a help.

It doesn’t feel great, but life works more smoothly, and I’m not so much of a hostage to his chaos. We get along better day to day when I’m not constantly banging my head against the brick wall of things that won’t change. I arrange things to make sure he is not in a position to let DC down my forgetting things, as that is the top priority really.

[DancesWithDucks]

@Bunnyhair I was about to say thank you so much for your post yesterday about memory.

Then I read your latest post Now I just organise my own life in the understanding that I can’t count on him, and that his involvement with things is more likely to be an obstruction than a help. and thought ... how incredibly sad, and how much your situation asks of you. And sad for him too.

You have a lot of insight, don't you.

I'm still grateful for your post yesterday mind you!

[Forgoodnesssakemeagain]

Thank you. I need to work on myself I think. I am probably not to terms with the fact I can’t rely on him and that this isn’t the marriage I wanted. I could accept these things easier I think if I didn’t get the angry responses I get. If he said oh gosh I’m sorry I assumed 7pm but I don’t get that. He is so angry that I am baffled and struggling with these things and I feel alone. I am managing things like his pa or his mum and I don’t want that. My cousin has been poorly with cancer the last few years and when she had a major operation he didn’t ask me about how it went until I mentioned it and he said i had to remind him. I’m like ffs I had said she was going in and why do I have to ask someone to ask how I am?

I also think it’s hard as dh is not diagnosed hence me asking questions as I’m worrying this is all me as he always tells me I’m over the top, nagging and going on.

[Bunnyhair]

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain the thing is, you don’t need to work on yourself if you aren’t OK with this relationship as it is. It is not a quick or easy thing to let go of the expectation that you can be thought about and taken into account and remembered in your central relationship.

And it’s absolutely fine not to want to let go of this expectation, and to want out of a marriage where everything is always on you, and there is also no recognition of the work that goes into this, or the mental contortions you have to go through so as not to provoke rage from your partner when his version of reality feels challenged.

@DancesWithDucks thank you for your kind words. And I think on one level it is sad, but I’ve got to a point where I consider myself post-sad. Just businesslike and getting on with it. And that does help me to take pleasure in the good times when they happen, while I know I’m not in a position to end the relationship.

[SpecialMangeTout]

@Bunnyhair thats totally my experience (but there is no way I’d be able to write about it so clearly!)

To have things work smoothly, there is no other choice but to treat all of those as inconsequential.
And if I’m honest, they would be if they were a one off. What makes then hard to swallow is that they happen again and again.

[DrawersOnTheDoors]

Yeah I think I've reached the same position, Bunnyhair. I don't really have expectations in the way I once had. For me this was triggered by DH poor mental health / burnout / breakdown. And the realisation that we want really different things from a relationship. (At the same time I realised that I'm coming from an enmeshed family, with my own baggage, and that what I wanted was that enmeshed thing).

My DH does have RSD I think but goes into himself into rumination, so he loses the ability to work on the problem together. But he doesn't get angry with me, or at least doesn't show it. In fact he's completely conflict avoidant. I'd find if so, so hard to be shouted at. My DH would have apologised if he'd got the time wrong. That makes a huge difference I think.