Who are narcissists underneath when they aren’t mirroring a victim?

[Rainbow03]

I was just wondering about narcissism and how they mirror their victims so that they are attractive to them.

How does this not affect them being somebody else. Who are they when they are not mirroring someone? Doesn’t this make them feel very uncomfortable being someone else. Like when the person leaves them to they continue being the person they were mirroring?

They never think they are the problem. They don't know why they are the way they are. They are incredibly selfish, even if they try not to be. I find this screenshot from a book helpful.....

I’ve read that narcissists see others as objects rather than people. Hence the easy discard.
Not to sound catty but I swear my XH looked around, saw someone around the same age who was single and vulnerable and said ‘Next! Yep she’ll do!‘

@NeurodivergentBurnout yes mine to picked a new supply 14 years younger and got her pregnant within months. She is very attractive and very kind (I know as we share a child). It’s a good thing because she looks after our daughter most of the time…but I know she is probably going to suffer once he realises she’s not perfect.

What you also have to realise is that there is also a group of people that support the narc, either because they have fallen for their BS, they are also narcs and see nothing wrong with how they treat people or because they are scared that they will become the object of focus for the narc.

@FrippEnos Ive realised that if you look to the narc for validation by hoping to see them doing it again you will fail. They only surround themselves with people who support their narrative. You never seem to find someone who doesn’t really like them, those people are demolished or removed. From the outside their lives are absolutely amazing and fault free. Which is ridiculous because life is not like that and we all have faults. I’ve fallen for that trap hoping that he will do it and I will be validated. His life looks bloody amazing!

I really don't think there is anything there.

My DM was a narcissistic and the only personality trait of her own was every single minute of the day was her thinking of what she could get from someone, any interaction, any occasion. She would knit horrible things for neighbors babies to get praise and attention but then bitch about them if she thought they weren't grateful enough. She would sulk at funerals or Christmas because it wasn't about her. She would make up things for attention or to swag things the way she wanted them.

My ex was one too. He so wanted to be the big successful man but he wasn't. Everything was smoke and mirrors and then he'd rage when he was found out.

I had a line manager who mirrored me constantly and then scream at me for just being me.

With all of them nothing was genuine or true.

They were all exhausting and made me unwell.

Totally agree. I don't want to out myself too much. During a couple of years separation, before his diagnosis (what he did during separation was the eye opener to see his narcissism, not realised until after reconciliation and I thought the separation was because there was millions of things wrong with me, as told to me by him and I believed) he could not be alone, he managed to coerce 3 women (who had been abused in previous relationships, he told me at the time these women had been treated so bad and 'just wanted a good man') in to 'relationships', every time it took him 2 to 3 weeks to realise they were flawed and he didn't want them any more so either immediately ghosted or devalued very quickly, only one of them lasted longer than a few weeks but that was because she had a game plan too (he was a meal ticket to her, brought her kids to sleep at her house after meeting him 3 times and, interestingly absolutely loved anything he said he liked, which was all made up crap which he put on a dating app to make himself look interesting) and lived far away so he could confine the relationship to one week day evening a week (there was no actual dates, he'd go to hers for telly/sex or she'd come to his with her kids).

When my rose coloured glasses were off I could see the processes he did with them that he did with me, but them in hyper speed time. The first 2 weeks of the relationships I can see he thought they were amazing and they were every thing to him, then they were nothing, an annoyance.

Interestingly no woman who had any sense of self wanted to go near him, he might get one date out of them but they would always say the same thing 'no connection' or they didn't feel anything.

He was OBSCESSED by dating, he was on every dating app, speed dating, he paid for swipes, I looked at his history once and the first thing he'd do when he woke up was go on the apps, all day long and the last thing he did before he went to sleep.

Talking about mirroring, when we were apart his personality and likes became everything I liked or wanted to do. He actually stalked me, although I didn't realise at the time. I went running, he started running, I went to the gym, so did he, I went for walks, so did he (and he'd hear/read places I'd want to go and he'd go there), he took women to pubs I frequented, I went dancing, so did he. You get the picture, the image he used on apps was mostly stolen from me with a sprinkling he stole from men he knew.

@MarmaladeOrangey when I left our bank account was still joint for a bit and he also signed up to many dating websites. He couldn’t be alone, he was an absolute mess, spiralled into depression and madness really. Whereas me I wanted nothing to do with dating.

I have wondered if I have narcissist tendencies. When younger I certainly needed validation from others, and on occasion sought that validation in horrible ways - affair before ending an unhappy marriage. My self esteem was terrible and I craved reassurance from others and felt very ashamed if I got something wrong. My affair was with someone who seemed to have no shame about what we did and I, being weak, went along with it all, introducing kids far to soon, showing up with AP at school thinks my ex wife was at. I look back at our behaviour now and still feel shame but have worked hard in therapy to no longer avoid that which I am ashamed of, but to try to put it right or pay it forward.

I can be very selfish if I'm not careful. I was an only child who lived in my own world a lot of the time (severe at times alcoholism in the household) so perhaps have to make just a bit more effort to think about others or hold them in mind. Once I do, I find empathy for others and I think it is genuine. That selfishness can play out in liking things my own way but again, if I stop and reflect I can spot it. It tends to be more at home and some of it is my dyspraxia - I am neat and tidy and everything in its place because I can't find things rather than enjoying exerting power over someone to do it my way - although perhaps to the observer it looks the same?

I can over compartmentalise (shame defence) but have got a lot better at it.

I have my own interests but some have come from friends which I had thought was mirroring but the interests remain even if the friends have drifted so I assume not really and I don't take up all my friends' interests just because they have them. I have sacrificed interests in my current marriage to keep the peace. i am happy in my own company. I'd like to spend la lot more time in it.

So I think I can exhibit narcissistic behaviours for sure but am probably not a full-on narcissist. The end of my first marriage and beginning of marriage to AP was a terrible time for those behaviours to be at their worst. AP did not trust me at all (reasonable) and we fought a lot. I put my hands on her throat once as she would not let me leave and had grabbed my wrists to push me back from the door I wanted to get out of after I'd been accused of something and shouted at for a while. I moved her from that doorway with hands on her neck and left. My act was abusive but I'm not sure it was narcissistic?

Which doesn't answer the question about what a narcissist is like on their own. If I am one then I'm OK on my own, have a sense of self that feels now pretty solid and is present in all situations. That said, for my first wife living with me was no picnic and I can see why people who knew me then might call me a narcissist. My marriage to AP is more dysfunctional and her mum is, without doubt, grandiose and as false as fuck with her good deeds and trumpet blowing. Uses money to control the family, moves people in and out of favour and wills if she feels slighted. God knows what she is like internally, it's really hard to even guess but I image just a sense that she is better than everyone else and rage when anyone challenges that.